mu's world

Checking in again...it's been a while

2005-12-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

Well...how the heck has time gone by so fast? Maybe I've been busy, maybe lazy, maybe...I don't know. I actually kind of forgot that I had a blog. I was going through my "favorites" on my homepage and realized that I hadn't checked in on my old blogs in a while. Then I realized that I hadn't written on my own in quite a while.

So, here I am.

I've got to say that I really don't have much to say. I've been busy with life. Life has been flying. I can't believe that we're in the midst of the holidays. How did this happen so fast? In ways, I'm very happy. I'm so glad to be so far way from a year and a half ago. But other ways, I'm a little sad. A year and a half ago, I thought maybe things would be different by now. Other than being forced out of our old apartment, things aren't too different. I do have a new job. That's a very good thing. It's going pretty well, actually. Sometimes it's stressful, but other times it's almost rewarding.

Funny that I remember this blog today. Last night, me and Star were at the grocery store and for some crazy reason, I was looking at cookies. Right next to the cookies was baby food. At that exact moment I felt very sad. I was very aware that I wasn't having to even think about the possibility of buying baby food.

I never forget. Though...sometimes I don't feel as much. But...I never forget. In the last week it's crossed my mind that me and Star could have possibly been celebrating our first Christmas with our first baby. Not this year...though.

Hopefully next year at this time we'll be expecting and not stressing too much about it.

I didn't know...

2005-10-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

Yes. It's been a very long time since I've "showed" my face around these parts. I realize this is lame, but I just really don't feel like I've got too much to say these days. Especially when it comes to the topic for why I started this blog in the first place.
I didn't know that today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I had no idea until I started to tool around on various blogs I haven't looked at in a while. I have to admit that I think I'm glad I didn't know until now. It's kind of been a strange night already and if I'd known what today was, it'd probably make it stranger.
I have not forgotten about our lost ones. I will never forget. Some days are harder than others. But I do have to admit that I haven't had a really hard day in a while. I suppose I can blame business and exhaustion for that. I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself lately.
I've had some more friends/friends of friends announce their pregnancies recently. It's hard. I do swallow the bitter down. I wish we could have had our chance without having to plan too much, to know that there will be difficulty ahead of us. It's not fair and it's so very hard to understand why we've got this burden. I so very much hope that our day will come.

To our lost ones we never knew...

2005-08-20T09:22:00.000-04:00

Hello again.
I know, it's been a while. A long while. The way that time works...I will always be amazed and puzzled a the same time. It'd be very easy to say that not much is going on...but I'd kind of be lying. A lot is going on. I'll start with the good stuff first.
- I GOT THE JOB! I've know about this now for a good month or so...which just re-enforces the fact that I seem to only find my way to my blog when things aren't going that well. I forget about being here when things are good. But anyway...yes...I got it. All has been stressful and exciting and now I am the "Assistant Manager". Yay for me.
- Our best friends just had their baby the other night...actually very early yesterday morning. It's amazing and beautiful, but sad because they are in Montana. We are very sad that we can't be right there to be apart of things and to help. S had a midwife and she sounds as though she was truly traumatized. The first thing she said was that she wasn't so good and that she would definitely suggest drugs. She would have the baby in her home again...but differently. I really hope that as time goes on that she forgets the real shitty parts. So...I think that today I will brave the baby section at my local Target store. I think I may be ready.
Now some not so great stuff...
- I think that today may be the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. I know that it was the 17th that I realized I was pregnant, but then it was a few short days after that that I actually had the miscarriage. It's strange how time and "anniversaries" work out. The coincidence...
I haven't had time really to think about it. I've been very busy with work and other stuff. But thinking about my friends so far away with a new baby...I'm reminded of what we are missing out on. And I am also curious as to if we will ever have the chance to be there. Everyone tells me that I will...but there's that part of me that still is afraid that I won't. And then after that, there's the jealously that pregnancy will not be easy and hapless for me (for us). It's going to be the scariest thing for a while. I found out last night that another friend from college is pregnant. I'm excited for her, but yes...kind of jealous. I don't keep in touch with her, so I don't know if it was an easy conception, etc. But the first thing I think is that it all seems so easy for every body else. Why can't it be for me? Why can't it be natural for me? These questions I have a hard time with.

Well...this is all for now...if anyone is still reading.

Ignore this...I'm just talking out loud to myself.

2005-06-22T21:09:00.000-04:00

Not too much going on.
Why do I feel like I ALWAYS say that?
I suppose because I do.

Actually...some stuff did go on today. I had an interview for a possible promotion at my workplace.
I'm NOT feeling very confident about it. Not feeling very confident about it at all, in fact. I really do want the job. I feel like I need it. I need something else. I need to do something different. I need something that will make me do more.

Ack.
I need to stop thinking about it.

Another awkward anniversary

2005-06-14T07:35:00.000-04:00

It's been a year now, I think. I remember that when we went to the ER it was a very late Monday night that turned into a very early Tuesday morning. I think we went in on June 14th, but my hospital bracelet may say June 15th. I still have that around somewhere. For some reason I kept it.
I hadn't been thinking about this coming date until Sunday when I drove by the hospital twice. Maybe it was the way the air smelled or the humidity but suddenly the date struck me and I realized that it's been a year.
This is the fastest year I've ever experienced. A year ago I couldn't wait for the time to pass. That's all I wanted. I thought things would hurt less if the time went by faster. And for the most part, it's actually worked. Things do hurt a little less. Of course a year ago tonight, I had absolutely no idea that I'd be going through the same thing (only worse) two months later.
So...I will have another awkward anniversary coming up in about two months.
I wish I could forget.

Today may be a little tough at work. My boss who I like won't be around and things are feeling a little strange there right now. I'm waiting for word about a job I applied for (in my department). I'm not feeling very positive about it right now. If I don't get it I kind of feel like maybe I should start looking for another job. I really like to work there but I don't feel like I can do it for much longer with the money I make. I need to do/make more. I hope I find some stuff out soon.

I got a sticker on my ass!

2005-06-10T21:52:00.000-04:00

Yes. I have a sticker on my ass. This is my new form of birth control. I've only had it on now for about 25 hours (yes, I'm counting). I'm wondering when it will un-stick. I really don't want it unstick...but, I just have wonder when it will. I mean, it looks like a band-aid. A big one. And I know it's only been a day, but I haven't noticed any side effects yet. When I used to be on the pill I would get the headaches on the first day of my pill cycle.
Anyone been on the patch before? Please give me some advice or comments.

This will be short...

2005-06-06T07:52:00.000-04:00

Today I see my Doc. I am hoping to leave the office with a prescription for the pill. Or rather "the patch". I feel a little nervous. I don't like going to the Doctor's (though this one I do really like) and talking about my birth control issues. Ugh. Anyway...I feel like this is kind of a big deal for me as I decided to swear of the pill two years ago. But...you know...it's kind of amazing how having to miscarriages change just about everything in your life. Of course it changes your birth control ideas. Anyway...I'm hoping my Doc will be able to clear up some more questions and I hope I can get some questions ready too. For the last two days I kind of forgot I was going to the Doc's...so I feel like I've forgotten some things. We'll see.

Ode to Joy

2005-05-25T22:17:00.000-04:00

I'M DONE!!!
Hallelujah!
I've just finished my exam. I just e-mailed it and I should be done. As sad as I am about the class being over...I am not sad about the writing being over. As much as I would like to fancy myself a writer someday...I just have to admit that it's wicked hard sometimes.
Yay. I'm done.
Feels good.
Though now I'm a little concerned because I e-mailed a copy to myself and it hasn't come back to me yet. So...what does that mean? It's taking a while.
Oh well...if I don't think she gets it by the morning, I'll resend it.
I'm exhausted.
Now to the laundry. A women's work is never done.

Just thinking out loud

2005-05-24T20:18:00.000-04:00

Ah...yeah...I'm procrastinating a little bit again. I'm "studying" for my on-line exam which I'll be working on tomorrow night. UGH. I've had the exam questions (no...no cheating...our professor gave them to us) for two weeks now and I just feel like I haven't done enough to study. But I also feel like I know the stuff. I just need to know the questions so that I can finally write it and get it over with. So hopefully soon I'll be done with this.
I've been thinking. Besides being less stressful about having sex, there is another good thing about going back on the pill. My face will clear up!!! Hallelujah. I've, for the most part, had good skin in my life. That was until after my last miscarriage. My skin is a mess. And it's not just the skin on my face. My chest and neck are continuously breaking out also. I really want to clear up for the Summer so that I have one less thing to be self-conscious about (besides my stomach and upper arms).
Have I talked about work lately? I won't really get into it. I mean, there's not too much to get into. I am hoping for a promotion. I've actually applied for it. I gave in my resume and cover letter last Tuesday. Everyone (most everyone) thinks I will get it. I (most days) think I will get it. I'm trying not to plan on it, but I am. My husband seems to be. I want the job more and more everyday and when I think that I might not be able to get it...I feel that maybe I would have to change jobs because I also NEED to make more money. We aren't cutting it too well right now. Anyway...it's always on my mind and I hope that I know what the situation is soon.

Taking a break...

2005-05-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

Or in another word...procrastinating (a little).
CONGRATULATIONS to Crista and Kris!!! And little Bella and Aiden. What an excitement. I don't know really what to say because I feel like anything would not sound quite right. But I am extremely happy for them. They SO deserve some happiness after the crap they've been through. I can't help but hope that I will be getting some that blessing some day too. I know, I know everyone tells me that it will all work out. And of course I really hope so...but some days that little bit of doubt creeps in and won't let you be content with the hope. It's that little voice.
Anyway...
You may wonder why I am home in the middle of the day on a work day. I took it off so that I could study for my final. I don't do well with studying either. I get this laissez-faire (did I spell that right?) attitude with studying sometime. I feel like I can't do anymore and I'll just have to wing it. Or I feel like either I know it or not. So I'll just have to see. Ugh. At any rate it's nice to be home though I'm not doing too much. I feel like if I'm not putting 100% in studying then I should be cleaning, unpacking, or doing something in the yard. I'm tired of my own nagging voice of what I should be doing. I am getting some studying done and I should just be happy and hopeful that that will be enough.
I had my last class last night. I'm kind of sad to be done. I did really enjoy that class. This coming Thursday will be my final and that will be on-line so that I don't have to go into Cambridge. Though, I will be doing it at home and that's a challenge within itself. That's why it was good that I took today off to get a head start. And I think I've got one.
Well...there was more I was going to say and now I don't remember and I suppose it wasn't that important anyway.
I should go.

Stupid, yet frustrating none the less...

2005-05-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

I think I've been doing laundry since I got home this afternoon. It's 10:30 and my first load of laundry is STILL drying. What the heck? Oh how I miss the days when my very own washer and dryer were in my kitchen. Ugh. This is one of the things I miss about our old apartment.
Our new place isn't all that bad. It's better than I thought it would be. But there are a few things that I really miss. I miss the washer and dryer, our big bedroom that was very far away from the kitchen (our new bedroom is right next to the kitchen), the spacious bathroom (anything is bigger than what we've got now), our little porch, and the fan over the stove. Little things like that I miss. The new place has some real good features like huge windows, no rugs, a claw-foot tub, a real yard with grass (though pretty small), nice landlords, much cheaper cable, a gas stove, and lots of sun for almost all of the day. There are a lot of good things. But right now it is a little difficult to remember because I kind of want to go to bed but I can't because my first load is still drying and I need to put the other one in before I go to sleep. And oh yeah...the reason why everything is so backed up is because our landlord's load spent over 3 HOURS in the dryer and they still aren't dry and I really should put them back in before they go to find their clothes.
In other news...
I passed in my resume today. ACK! I did it, I really did it. And now, though I'm lying through my teeth that it doesn't matter...I'll be really upset if I didn't get this job. If I don't get this job then I don't know what to do. The fact of the matter is is that I make absolute shit-for-money where I am now. Yes, I like my job (most days). But...we need to pay the rent and bills and what I'm making right now is just not enough to significantly contribute to that. So...besides that this new job would be a promotion and all that...we really need the money. REALLY NEED the money. If it doesn't work out I don't know what I'll do.
Let's see...what else...did anyone else watch that ridiculous Britney Spears show? I know, I know...I was asking for it to be something totally assinine...but it was even WORSER than I expected. Wow...
Okay...I'm going to go...I'm hoping that my clothes will be dryer in the next 20 minutes.

Another go at it...

2005-05-15T15:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah...I haven't been so good with the writing lately. And I haven't even really been so good with the blog-looking either (though I've been checking in on Crista to see if Bella's made her appearance yet). I've actually been busy. Unpacking, class, work, life. It's time for a break.
I'm possibly up for a promotion. Well...I'm not up for one...I'm going to apply for one. The assistant manager of our department is going away to grad school and so his position will be open. Since I've got experience in managing (coffee shops) and I need to do something more with my life and make some money too, I've decided to go for it. I'm really hoping that this will work. We need something to work for us. It's been a shitty year. We also need some more money. So this weekend I should be working on my resume. By Tuesday I should be done.
Another possible change is that I'm heavily considering going back on the pill. I've actually made an appointment to see my OB/Gyn to talk about the best option for me. Between a possible new job and the fear of another unplanned pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I've decided that this is possibly the smartest thing to do right now. It's a big decision for numerous reasons.
About two years ago I stopped taking the pill after being on it for three years (not really a long time compared to most women). For the most part, my experience with it wasn't so bad after I figured out which one was best for me. My first try was with something called Alesse. It was supposed to be something with the least amount of hormones. After about two months on it, I realized that it made me really depressed. I'd cry at the drop of a hat. After that I was put on something called Triorva (the generic brand, I think). That seemed to treat me well for a while until my periods started getting a little weird. They would last for a long time. Usually they last for about 4 or 5 days a the longest. But when my body started getting funny with the pill my period would last for a week and a half at times. I went to see my doctor about this after a while. At the time I didn't have an OB/Gyn. She decided to switch me to a new pill. For about two months I was fine, but then on the third month my cycle lasted too long. That was two years ago when me and Star decided that I would just go off it and we'd use condoms, etc. I liked on being off the pill because I felt like I had more of a sex drive again and I thought I'd lose weight. I didn't lose the weight, in fact I've put more on since then (though not to the fault of the pill most likely). I also felt mentally better too. All of this was good until my two miscarriages in three months.
Now I'm not so mentally good anymore and I'm too scared to have sex sometimes. As much as I want a baby I'm petrified of getting pregnant again before I'm able to take the progesterone supplements and be ready for a healthy pregnancy. As much as I don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body again, the idea of a pregnancy right now just scares the shit out of me. I don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I know some women go through many, but I just don't see myself surviving another. I can't do it.
So on June 6th, I'm going to see my doctor to talk and possibly get a prescription for a new pill. Yes, I've thought about other forms of birth control, but none seem to be what I think would be best for me right now. One of the reasons I waited to go on something was because I suppose I was hoping that we would be able to intentionally try again soon. But there's just no way that we could attempt pregnancy with all of the debt and other shit we have going on right now. It would not be wise for us to attempt pregnancy right now.
I'm thinking about the patch-thing that has the same hormonal stuff as the pill. That seems like something decent. We'll see. I hope my doctor will give me some advice that I will like.

I'm back...

2005-05-07T08:40:00.000-04:00

Nothing much, yet so much as happened in the last two plus weeks since I've posted.
We've moved! Ack! Yes, we are officially moved in and the place is a mess. I am hoping that today I will be able to make some progress in the unpacking. The place is beginning to look like a home, but we've just realized how much stuff we have...namely books. And we don't quite have some of the storage space that we used to have. We now have a more useable closet for our clothes and such...we didn't have that before. But before we did have a huge closet that we could just throw our crap that we didn't want to see in...we don't have that any more. So now I've got to be creative.
I am liking the new place. But I still miss the old place. The old place was really our home. We moved in there about a month before we were married.
This weekend is a little wierd because Star is down in NJ spending Mother's Day weekend with his parents. So...I'm in the place by myself. I had a little trouble falling asleep last night.
Over all things are good. I wasn't really able to take time for myself back on the 22nd when I wanted some time to think about things. That week was the due date for my miscarriage. It was also our moving week. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't have much time to think.
Maybe more later.
I've got tons to do.

One guess what I'm doing right now...

2005-04-19T20:38:00.000-04:00

Yep...PROCRASTINATING!
Damn, I'm bad.
Tonight was supposed to be my big night for writing and (hopefully) completing my paper. I don't think that will be happening unless something crazy happens right now. UGH...I get so mad at myself for this stuff.
I've written only a page and a half. Though...I've only really been in front of the computer for about an hour and a half. I think I'm just testing myself...Subconsciously.
Oy!
This weekend was good (though unproductive in so many ways). Our friends living in Montana visited and we had a good time. Last night we went for dinner and had a sort of bonfire afterwards. It was real good and what I needed. Though it would be so much better if they hadn't left for that unforsaken state today. Hopefully they will be moving out to Eastern Standard Time soon. They are looking to "cash in" on some family land and possibly build a house on it. They still wouldn't be close, but they would be closer.
Other than that...not too much happened. We did a little moving and I tried to ignore the dates of this weekend, though as hard as that is.
Today I almost started crying at work. I saw the most precious baby sleeping in her stroller. She was adorable and for a moment I realized what we were missing out on. It hurt real bad and for a brief moment I almost felt as though I couldn't breathe. It really sucks sometimes.
I ended up telling my friend about our second miscarriage. I don't really like how I did it (after two gin and tonics), but I couldn't help it. It just came out. I suppose I needed to talk, to get it out. It did feel good to get it out.
Well...I need to get some more writing done. Desperately. Ugh.

Writer's block or something like that

2005-04-17T20:09:00.000-04:00

I seem to over analyze EVERYTHING. Everything seems, to me, to be strangely related in an odd way some days. It can drive me crazy.
This weekend is a little bit of a crazy weekend. Here are a few reasons...We are starting our moving process...Our best (pregnant) friends are visiting from Montana...I'm supposed to be writing a seven page paper that is due on Thursday...Tomorrow is a sad "anniversary" of sorts, it's a rough estimate of a due date for our second pregnancy that didn't work out.
It's kind of funny how all of these things seem to have to happen at the same time. Well, no, it's not funny. It's interesting.
Yes...I feel overwhelmed. I'm beyond overwhelmed...I think I'm actually a little numb right now.
I feel like I should be more emotional. But I'm not really...not too much any way. I did get a little teary-eyed when my mother asked me if I was feeling depressed "or anything". But other than that, I just still can't believe that we've dealt with two miscarriages. It's so incredibly unfair to me at times. And it's shocking how easy it seems to be for every body else to be pregnant. My friend's pregnancy has been pretty easy. She's not been too sick, at least for a while. And she's not even had an ultrasound yet (and she may not). She's going to a midwife. My other good friend's sister is also pregnant and she's about the same due date as my good friend. And her pregnancy seems to be pretty easy too.
I could have had a baby this weekend.
That is so incredibly crazy.
It does hit me...hard...every once in a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to be able to mope or cry about it. We are too busy having to move and deal with other shit.
I wish we could get a break.

Oh joy...life is so very fun

2005-04-13T20:08:00.000-04:00

Allow me some bitterness right now. Okay...really...Britney Spears and what's-his-face are having a kid. Life is kind of too unfair sometimes. That's all I'll say about that.

Anyway...yeah...things are stressful. I'm slowly running out of time on a couple of things. My paper is due in eight days. I've done absolutely nothing. We get our keys to our new place on Friday. Our current apartment is probably about a fourth packed. Maybe not even that much. Friends from Montana (pregnant friends) are coming around this weekend AND a friend from California is also making an appearance (but he'll be around for a couple of weeks, so there's not as much of a rush for a visit with him...and who knows...maybe we could use him to help us move).

As stressful as all of this is, however, I do have to take a little comfort in knowing that things could be worse. (Does that sound awful?) Really, I mean...I had to witness some co-workers go through some really shitty stuff today and as hard as things are for me and Star right now, we are fortunate in so many other things. I have to remind myself of this more often. Especially in the next couple of weeks. One of my co-workers found out that another spot has been found on her liver. In the last 6 months, she has had both breast and lung cancer removed. She just finished radiation a couple of weeks ago and hasn't yet had a chance to feel the least bit normal. Another co-worker had a policeman come to our museum today to tell her that her husband has been trying to call her. Apparently (we don't know all of the facts yet), her brother-in-law committed suicide and her husband had been trying to call her.
Those things are very terrible. Please send good vibes to those people.

So...I'm going to attempt to keep my chin up. Maybe I may need to start drinking caffeine until this paper is done with. I WILL (really, I will) feel a bit relieved once this paper is done. There are a lot of good, real good aspects of my life. My husband being 95% of what is good (great) about my life. And at the moment he is making me dinner...so I should go.

Worser...

2005-04-11T20:43:00.000-04:00

Yeah...I'm not doing so well with the whole moving thing in so many ways. I feel so behind! And to make things worse is that I have a paper due next Thursday. And to make things even worser is that this coming Sunday is an "anniversary" of sorts...one I've been dreading so very much for the last month. And to make things even worser, worser (and this one I feel kind of guilty about), our pregnant friends from Montana are coming to visit THIS weekend!!! It really could not be a WORSER time!
So...things kind of suck a little.
But wait...there's more. Of course.
Today I found out that the supposed "raise" we were to be receiving some time this month (at work), not a raise at all. It's a "bonus". And it sounds like it's going to really pittily. And to top that off the way it is going to be doled out sounds kind of sketchy.
So, yeah...this is my life right now. Not so fun at the moment.
But my Star is amazing and we got to go for a date yesterday afternoon. And for a couple of hours, I was able to not feel the stress. It was so good and so what I needed at the moment.

Checking in

2005-04-06T19:55:00.000-04:00

Golly! I have so much to say, but I don't really want to get into it right night. At least not all of it. The jist of it...we've found a new apartment. We actually saw one last Monday and on Tuesday we decided to take it. We only saw two, but the second one was so bad that we decided that we should just take the first. It's basically in the same neighborhood (which is mostly a good thing), I get a little bit of land for gardening, and it has a claw-foot tub. Unfortunately, it's maybe a bit smaller than what we have now. The landlords seem really nice. AND...we move in a week!
Ack!
So basically, this is my life right now. There's a lot of other stuff...but...I can't get into it now.
I just wanted to check-in.

Another thing to be stressed about...

2005-03-28T07:37:00.000-05:00

We're back. Our trip down to NJ wasn't as stressful and uncomfortable as I was earlier anticipating. Good thing cause I don't know if I would have been able to handle it. Thursday night when I got home, I got the news that it looks like we are going to have to move out of our building. Yup...this damned place is going condo!!! ACK! I'm so sick of condos. Maybe it's just jealousy because I know we can't get approved for a mortgage to buy one ourselves. Besides that I feel as though we are getting edged out of our home for the last four years, there's something shifty about all of this. We never knew that the place was up for sale and apparently we might only have 30 days to get out of here. It all seems a little underhanded.
I spent just about all of Thursday night and Friday morning crying about it (literally). It's just all very bad timing.
More about this later.

Blah...

2005-03-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

That's how I'm feeling these days.
I've actually started entries for this blog twice. The first one I didn't like so much so I deleted it. The other one got lost. So...I've lost my will to blog...for now.
Life has been a little hectic. Between school, worrying, having a weekend guest, stressing, work, and more worrying, I just haven't had all that much time (patience or energy) to get a whole blog down.
So...anyway...I just wanted to let you all (I think I may just have one or two readers...thank you ladies if you are still checking in on me) know that I'm still here.
We are heading off for a weekend down in New Jersey. This is a trip that neither of us are looking forward to for various reasons. But hopefully when I get back I'll be a better mood for writing.
Til then...

Procrastination is my buddy for the weekend

2005-03-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. I've been "writing" a paper all weekend. That translates into "I haven't written a single word, I've been playing on the computer looking at everyone's blogs and listening to music". I psyche myself out so much, this is a major problem. It's kind of getting old. The paper is only 5-7 pages. It's on something that I have some ideas, feelings about. But it's the organizing and all of that that's just not going well. And on top of that, I'm severely intimidated by the professor and kind of the course in general. It's a subject that I'm very interested in, but I'm taking it at a school that's very good and by a professor that seems to be very well-trained, read, etc. I'm afraid that what I'll do won't quite measure up to the expectations of the institution and professor. And I want so desperately to do so well. I need to...I'm trying to get into the program at this place. I have to take three classes and get a B- or better to get accepted to this thing.
Ugh.
I think about that later.
We did manage to have a little fun last night. My friend got us some tickets for a really good show that was put on at the MFA. Went for dinner before and drinks after. It felt good to be in the city, being out when everybody else is out. I still have the urging to move into the city. I thought that feeling would go away, but it hasn't. We live about 20 miles north of the city. I do love where we live, but it is slowly getting more and more expensive. A lot of the young, city folk are moving to our city. They are building condos like crazy around here. It's kind of sad actually. I can't say that I really like all of the change. Anyway...sometimes I kind of feel that for the cost it's getting to be around here, we might as well move down into the city and at least be around more stuff. It would be a change though. We are comfortable where we are. We both have very comfortable commutes to where we work, the ocean (my favorite thing) is near-by, and this does feel like home to me. Oh well. For now it is good to have a reason to go down there (friends and Star's gigs).
My doctor's appointment on Wednesday was interesting. It was nice that we actually got to sit down and chat. I've never had that with a doctor before (besides my Ob/gyn). This was my first real visit with my primary in a year. We talked about my miscarriages. I was really touched by how concerned she was about my physical and mental health. She really listened and really seemed to understand. We also talked about my stomach issues. I don't know if that's something I've talked about too much here. For the last year (I can remember exactly the first time it happened, Star's birthday last year), I've been having some horrible stomach issues concerning some uncomfortable issues in the bathroom (I'm sorry...too much detail). When it first happened, I thought that maybe it was just something that happened because of some drinking the day before. But...that seems to not be the case. I think it comes down to anxiety. Why it's manifesting itself in this way? I don't know. At any rate, my doc suggested that I quit drinking coffee...or rather slowly cut it out and then quit. That's a hard thing for me. While I don't drink that much, I do drink it every day. It's going to be a rough thing. She also wanted me to try Prilosic for four weeks. This I don't agree with. When I went to look it up, it only mentioned heartburn and this is a problem I don't have. I also don't want to get into the habit of taking any pills.
I think what I need to do is eat better and get some exercise. That would solve a lot of stuff for me. But it's so damn hard to get going when there's over a foot of snow outside.
I need to get some writing done...for class that is.
I may be back again.

2005-03-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. I've been quite neglectful of my blogging duties lately. It's very easy and tempting to say that not too much has been happening. But I'd kind of be lying. Life is happening and sometimes it's just too damned hard to keep up with it. And even harder to slow down to write and ponder about it.
So I'll give the short, less detailed version of it (I just realized that all of this lead up makes it sounds like a lots been going on...but really...not too much).
I've started a class on Thursday nights. It's a American Women's History course. So far, I really like it. I'm glad to be in a class again. Though along with the gladness comes some stress. I adore being a student, but it also scares the shit out of me. I enjoy the studying, reading, etc. But the classroom and some assignments stress me out more than they should at times. Up until this last week, I was feeling pretty confident about the work load and all of that. But then we got an assignment for a paper that's due next week. I'm freaking out about it already and I haven't even started it yet. And it's not even like a "real" paper...it's a 5-7 page essay. Something that an English major should be used to. Right? Anyway...when I'm not actually reading for this course, I'm thinking about how I should be. So...that's taking up some time in my life right now.
Let's see? What else has been going on? Me and Star did some crazy-condo-hunting a week and a half ago. We actually saw three that we liked and one that we really, really liked. It was almost perfect for us. We wanted to put in an offer. But we finally had the real realization that we have quite shitty credit. We owe everybody and their mother and there is no sane financial institution that would be interested in giving us a mortgage right now. So...we've got to work on our credit. It's not a surprise. I'd just wish we'd really figured this out before we saw a condo that I was picturing us really living in. It's a real bummer that I haven't let myself think about too much quite yet. The part that I'm kind of ignoring is the part where I'd feel that we were closer to starting our family when we are in a space of our very own.
Star's band and music is really moving. They had an awesome show about two weeks ago. A whole night to themselves and a good crowd. They've also been featured on different "pod-casts". And they've got about 6 more shows booked in the next two months. He rehearses about two nights a week now. I'm excited to see him making some way with his music. It makes him so happy (though their are some stressful points too). It's something he's been dreaming about forever.
Tomorrow I have a physical with my primary. I'm kind of dreading it. I'm sure I've put on some weight in the last year...I especially have been feeling it in the last two days. I don't know if it was this weekend of endless eating. I feel like there is a lot to go over with, with this doctor. I haven't seen her since my miscarriages. I don't know what all she needs to know, etc. And if there is anything she could help me with, etc. I've been feeling pretty shitty about my weight. I think I might have actually put on "winter weight" this year. My scale sucks. According to it I've only gained about 4 pounds...but it feels like a hell of a lot more. I want/need to exercise but it's so hard to get motivated when there is about two feet of snow on the ground. Especially when I don't have any good sneakers or warm enough work-out clothes. But yes, I know...these are just excuses. If I were rich, I'd have a personal trainer come and drag me out of bed every morning and make me work. I think that's what I need. Someone making me. I can't do it to myself for some reason. There are always excuses.

Oh well.
This is enough for now.

Sharing sadness

2005-02-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Gosh. I really don't know where to start. I already know that I don't have the energy, patience, or time to write what I really want to write. So please bear with me through this entry. It will probably be a little scattered-brain. But...that's how I kind of feel...so it will be genuine.

This week has been the longest. Last Tuesday morning at about 7:15, just after Star left for work, the phone rang. It was my father-in-law calling to tell us that Star's aunt had just died. Star's aunt had been very ill for a very long time, at least 15 years. Since I've known Star (almost six years now), every holiday, birthday, family-gathering could possibly be his aunt's last. So to put it bluntly, we've always (especially Star) been waiting for the call. And it came early on Tuesday morning.
The thing is though, is that his aunt was a pretty amazing woman. She was determined, she was extremely intelligent, she was young (she'd just be turning 50 this coming Sunday), she was a sister, a mother, and a great aunt to Star. She also went through a lot of shit in her life. She endured a rough childhood with difficult parents, she married and divorced a man that didn't treat her well...he was horrible, and she dealt with something that probably anyone reading this entry has either dealt with or knows someone who has...infertility. In the early 80s after desperately trying to conceive, she realized that she wasn't able to have children "naturally". She attempted IVF. She attempted it when it was still in a sort of an experimental stage. She dealt with all of the bouts of drugs that went along with it. Unfortunately, these things didn't work for her. Nothing worked. She had various problems to contend with. While going through measures to get pregnant, she and her husband (they were married at this time) adopted a little boy, Star's cousin. After the adoption and giving up on getting pregnant, Star's aunt wrote a book about her situation. Unfortunately, the book didn't do so well. It did get a lot of attention when it first came out, but it seems that it came out during a time when people didn't really know what IVF, etc was.
Shortly after all of her treatments, her immune system started to fail her. She ended up going through various surgeries, including some that needed blood transfusions that didn't go well. She actually received a bad batch of blood that contained Hepatitis C. She had also developed a brain tumor.
This is kind of the short story of Aunt J. There's so much more I could say and will say when I have more time and patience for typing and thinking. This last week was hard in so, so many ways. Seeing my mother-in-law lose her only sister, and the last of her childhood family was hard. Watching my husband's cousins (Aunt J had also later adopted a Korean girl) look at their mother one last time, was heart-breaking. Not to mention my husband's loss. He adored his Aunt J. She was like an older sister he never had. All of this was so saddening.
Then there was the strange part. February 1st (the day that Aunt J passed) was the prospective "due date" of my first miscarriage. I very sadly regret that I never got to sit down with J and share conversation about a similar disappointment. I'm pretty sure she knew about it, though I never actually told her. At the wake, my mother-in-law was talking with a co-worker about another co-worker that wasn't able to come because she was watching a grand-baby. My mother-in-law made a comment about how the baby could have come, a baby would help soothe the situation. I couldn't help but think about our own little baby that never made it this far. How strange it could have been that our baby could have been born on the same day that Aunt J died.

I'm going to stop for now. There's still so much more in my mind. But like I said earlier...I don't have patience and I don't really have time. So later, I will come back and hopefully piece all of this together a little better.

Sad day

2005-02-01T19:40:00.000-05:00

Today is a hard day. In more ways than how I initially thought it would be.

Post-Big News

2005-01-29T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a strange day. Whenever I would remember that B and S were having a baby, it just seemed so un-worldly or something. It just seems crazy. If I forget (and I can't) that me and Star would almost be there, twice, I just can't get over that our best friends are going to be parents. It seems outrageous. I'm 28, my husband is almost 26. We've been married for almost three and a half years. We were the first of our friends to get married. People we know have just gotten married in the last year or so, most of them are actually a couple of years younger than me. I'm guess I'm trying to figure out when people have kids. I suppose we've (and our friends) have started a little early...with the whole marriage thing. It seems that these days, the norm is to get married in your early 30s and then have children a few years after that. Having children is something that makes you feel/seem "grown-up". I should re-phrase that...having children seems to make someone look more "grown-up". I can't quite put it in words, but though we've come close ourselves to starting a family...I just can't get over that we know personal friends starting families. Wow.
Then there's the whole other aspect to all of this. There are so many aspects of this...actually. Maybe all of this will hit me later or I'll start feeling bitter in a bit, but at the moment I seem to feel extremely excited about their pregnancy. And the only real sadness or jealousy I feel is that B and S are in freakin' Montana. I'm so extremely bummed out that me and Star can't drive the five minute ride, across the bridge to their apartment to hang out anymore. I know that S is not all that happy as to their situation right now. She hasn't been able to find a job (and now she really probably won't be able to), B is gone for at least 12 hours every day, they live in an basement-apartment under her sister...and they (S and her sister) aren't getting along all that well. I know that before they moved, she wasn't all that excited about it. There were little bits she was looking forward to, but overall, she wanted to stay here in Massachusetts. The thing that was making the move better was that there was hope of trying to save money. B was to get a good job building houses, etc. They were going to be able to put money away. S told me the other night that they are doing the same out there as they were doing here, with the whole making money and saving money thing. Montana (they are in Bozeman) is not as cheap as they had hoped/planned. And even worse, is that they are getting a little bit of a deal on their apartment since it's her sister's house. I feel so badly because beside the fact that S is severely lonely, it doesn't seem that what they/she had hoped would happen out of this move is happening. They seem to be in the same financial state and without the company they once had here.
Anyway...me and Star are hoping/planning to see them this summer. We were kind of thinking of it before all of this news...but now with the news...there's a type of urgency for the visit now...at least that's how I feel. I sent S an e-mail today telling her this, I hope it doesn't freak or stress her out. I hope that she would want that. I think she would.
The thing about all of this though...is that S doesn't know about our second miscarriage. I think I've written about this before. The second one happened about 2 and a half weeks before there wedding. I just didn't feel as though it was appropriate to say anything. I knew she would have probably wanted me to, but maybe I didn't feel up to it. Anyway...after their wedding, they were moving two weeks later. And between feeling emotional about my own stuff and then being severely upset about them moving, I didn't confide again. After they moved, I decided I would write S a letter. I never did. And actually, we've been really bad about communicating. I'll wait a bit...but I think maybe I should get that letter out of my system. Maybe in a couple of weeks. How do you go about something like this? Especially so long after the fact? Very few people know about our second miscarriage. It was a more painful one in many respects. We knew for a very short time (three days) that we were pregnant before I lost it. We only told our immediate family. And then, people at my work knew about it because I was out of work for a while. It was kind of hard to hide the fact that something major was going on.
At any rate...I suppose that none of this has really sunk in. I have a feeling that if they were close by, maybe I would have a much harder time dealing with their news. Seeing them often would have a different effect on the situation. I'm going to try not to analyze that aspect of it though. I'm going to be excited for now. I'm sure that I'm going to have ups and downs with all of this.
I'm going to have to get used to it.