mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hello again.
I know, it's been a while. A long while. The way that time works...I will always be amazed and puzzled a the same time. It'd be very easy to say that not much is going on...but I'd kind of be lying. A lot is going on. I'll start with the good stuff first.
- I GOT THE JOB! I've know about this now for a good month or so...which just re-enforces the fact that I seem to only find my way to my blog when things aren't going that well. I forget about being here when things are good. But anyway...yes...I got it. All has been stressful and exciting and now I am the "Assistant Manager". Yay for me.
- Our best friends just had their baby the other night...actually very early yesterday morning. It's amazing and beautiful, but sad because they are in Montana. We are very sad that we can't be right there to be apart of things and to help. S had a midwife and she sounds as though she was truly traumatized. The first thing she said was that she wasn't so good and that she would definitely suggest drugs. She would have the baby in her home again...but differently. I really hope that as time goes on that she forgets the real shitty parts. So...I think that today I will brave the baby section at my local Target store. I think I may be ready.
Now some not so great stuff...
- I think that today may be the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. I know that it was the 17th that I realized I was pregnant, but then it was a few short days after that that I actually had the miscarriage. It's strange how time and "anniversaries" work out. The coincidence...
I haven't had time really to think about it. I've been very busy with work and other stuff. But thinking about my friends so far away with a new baby...I'm reminded of what we are missing out on. And I am also curious as to if we will ever have the chance to be there. Everyone tells me that I will...but there's that part of me that still is afraid that I won't. And then after that, there's the jealously that pregnancy will not be easy and hapless for me (for us). It's going to be the scariest thing for a while. I found out last night that another friend from college is pregnant. I'm excited for her, but yes...kind of jealous. I don't keep in touch with her, so I don't know if it was an easy conception, etc. But the first thing I think is that it all seems so easy for every body else. Why can't it be for me? Why can't it be natural for me? These questions I have a hard time with.

Well...this is all for now...if anyone is still reading.