mu's world

nothingness

Friday, May 20, 2005

Taking a break...

Or in another word...procrastinating (a little).
CONGRATULATIONS to Crista and Kris!!! And little Bella and Aiden. What an excitement. I don't know really what to say because I feel like anything would not sound quite right. But I am extremely happy for them. They SO deserve some happiness after the crap they've been through. I can't help but hope that I will be getting some that blessing some day too. I know, I know everyone tells me that it will all work out. And of course I really hope so...but some days that little bit of doubt creeps in and won't let you be content with the hope. It's that little voice.
Anyway...
You may wonder why I am home in the middle of the day on a work day. I took it off so that I could study for my final. I don't do well with studying either. I get this laissez-faire (did I spell that right?) attitude with studying sometime. I feel like I can't do anymore and I'll just have to wing it. Or I feel like either I know it or not. So I'll just have to see. Ugh. At any rate it's nice to be home though I'm not doing too much. I feel like if I'm not putting 100% in studying then I should be cleaning, unpacking, or doing something in the yard. I'm tired of my own nagging voice of what I should be doing. I am getting some studying done and I should just be happy and hopeful that that will be enough.
I had my last class last night. I'm kind of sad to be done. I did really enjoy that class. This coming Thursday will be my final and that will be on-line so that I don't have to go into Cambridge. Though, I will be doing it at home and that's a challenge within itself. That's why it was good that I took today off to get a head start. And I think I've got one.
Well...there was more I was going to say and now I don't remember and I suppose it wasn't that important anyway.
I should go.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Stupid, yet frustrating none the less...

I think I've been doing laundry since I got home this afternoon. It's 10:30 and my first load of laundry is STILL drying. What the heck? Oh how I miss the days when my very own washer and dryer were in my kitchen. Ugh. This is one of the things I miss about our old apartment.
Our new place isn't all that bad. It's better than I thought it would be. But there are a few things that I really miss. I miss the washer and dryer, our big bedroom that was very far away from the kitchen (our new bedroom is right next to the kitchen), the spacious bathroom (anything is bigger than what we've got now), our little porch, and the fan over the stove. Little things like that I miss. The new place has some real good features like huge windows, no rugs, a claw-foot tub, a real yard with grass (though pretty small), nice landlords, much cheaper cable, a gas stove, and lots of sun for almost all of the day. There are a lot of good things. But right now it is a little difficult to remember because I kind of want to go to bed but I can't because my first load is still drying and I need to put the other one in before I go to sleep. And oh yeah...the reason why everything is so backed up is because our landlord's load spent over 3 HOURS in the dryer and they still aren't dry and I really should put them back in before they go to find their clothes.
In other news...
I passed in my resume today. ACK! I did it, I really did it. And now, though I'm lying through my teeth that it doesn't matter...I'll be really upset if I didn't get this job. If I don't get this job then I don't know what to do. The fact of the matter is is that I make absolute shit-for-money where I am now. Yes, I like my job (most days). But...we need to pay the rent and bills and what I'm making right now is just not enough to significantly contribute to that. So...besides that this new job would be a promotion and all that...we really need the money. REALLY NEED the money. If it doesn't work out I don't know what I'll do.
Let's see...what else...did anyone else watch that ridiculous Britney Spears show? I know, I know...I was asking for it to be something totally assinine...but it was even WORSER than I expected. Wow...
Okay...I'm going to go...I'm hoping that my clothes will be dryer in the next 20 minutes.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Another go at it...

Yeah...I haven't been so good with the writing lately. And I haven't even really been so good with the blog-looking either (though I've been checking in on Crista to see if Bella's made her appearance yet). I've actually been busy. Unpacking, class, work, life. It's time for a break.
I'm possibly up for a promotion. Well...I'm not up for one...I'm going to apply for one. The assistant manager of our department is going away to grad school and so his position will be open. Since I've got experience in managing (coffee shops) and I need to do something more with my life and make some money too, I've decided to go for it. I'm really hoping that this will work. We need something to work for us. It's been a shitty year. We also need some more money. So this weekend I should be working on my resume. By Tuesday I should be done.
Another possible change is that I'm heavily considering going back on the pill. I've actually made an appointment to see my OB/Gyn to talk about the best option for me. Between a possible new job and the fear of another unplanned pregnancy ending in miscarriage, I've decided that this is possibly the smartest thing to do right now. It's a big decision for numerous reasons.
About two years ago I stopped taking the pill after being on it for three years (not really a long time compared to most women). For the most part, my experience with it wasn't so bad after I figured out which one was best for me. My first try was with something called Alesse. It was supposed to be something with the least amount of hormones. After about two months on it, I realized that it made me really depressed. I'd cry at the drop of a hat. After that I was put on something called Triorva (the generic brand, I think). That seemed to treat me well for a while until my periods started getting a little weird. They would last for a long time. Usually they last for about 4 or 5 days a the longest. But when my body started getting funny with the pill my period would last for a week and a half at times. I went to see my doctor about this after a while. At the time I didn't have an OB/Gyn. She decided to switch me to a new pill. For about two months I was fine, but then on the third month my cycle lasted too long. That was two years ago when me and Star decided that I would just go off it and we'd use condoms, etc. I liked on being off the pill because I felt like I had more of a sex drive again and I thought I'd lose weight. I didn't lose the weight, in fact I've put more on since then (though not to the fault of the pill most likely). I also felt mentally better too. All of this was good until my two miscarriages in three months.
Now I'm not so mentally good anymore and I'm too scared to have sex sometimes. As much as I want a baby I'm petrified of getting pregnant again before I'm able to take the progesterone supplements and be ready for a healthy pregnancy. As much as I don't like the idea of putting chemicals in my body again, the idea of a pregnancy right now just scares the shit out of me. I don't think I could handle another miscarriage. I know some women go through many, but I just don't see myself surviving another. I can't do it.
So on June 6th, I'm going to see my doctor to talk and possibly get a prescription for a new pill. Yes, I've thought about other forms of birth control, but none seem to be what I think would be best for me right now. One of the reasons I waited to go on something was because I suppose I was hoping that we would be able to intentionally try again soon. But there's just no way that we could attempt pregnancy with all of the debt and other shit we have going on right now. It would not be wise for us to attempt pregnancy right now.
I'm thinking about the patch-thing that has the same hormonal stuff as the pill. That seems like something decent. We'll see. I hope my doctor will give me some advice that I will like.