mu's world


Tuesday, April 19, 2005

One guess what I'm doing right now...

Damn, I'm bad.
Tonight was supposed to be my big night for writing and (hopefully) completing my paper. I don't think that will be happening unless something crazy happens right now. UGH...I get so mad at myself for this stuff.
I've written only a page and a half. Though...I've only really been in front of the computer for about an hour and a half. I think I'm just testing myself...Subconsciously.
This weekend was good (though unproductive in so many ways). Our friends living in Montana visited and we had a good time. Last night we went for dinner and had a sort of bonfire afterwards. It was real good and what I needed. Though it would be so much better if they hadn't left for that unforsaken state today. Hopefully they will be moving out to Eastern Standard Time soon. They are looking to "cash in" on some family land and possibly build a house on it. They still wouldn't be close, but they would be closer.
Other than that...not too much happened. We did a little moving and I tried to ignore the dates of this weekend, though as hard as that is.
Today I almost started crying at work. I saw the most precious baby sleeping in her stroller. She was adorable and for a moment I realized what we were missing out on. It hurt real bad and for a brief moment I almost felt as though I couldn't breathe. It really sucks sometimes.
I ended up telling my friend about our second miscarriage. I don't really like how I did it (after two gin and tonics), but I couldn't help it. It just came out. I suppose I needed to talk, to get it out. It did feel good to get it out.
Well...I need to get some more writing done. Desperately. Ugh.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Writer's block or something like that

I seem to over analyze EVERYTHING. Everything seems, to me, to be strangely related in an odd way some days. It can drive me crazy.
This weekend is a little bit of a crazy weekend. Here are a few reasons...We are starting our moving process...Our best (pregnant) friends are visiting from Montana...I'm supposed to be writing a seven page paper that is due on Thursday...Tomorrow is a sad "anniversary" of sorts, it's a rough estimate of a due date for our second pregnancy that didn't work out.
It's kind of funny how all of these things seem to have to happen at the same time. Well, no, it's not funny. It's interesting.
Yes...I feel overwhelmed. I'm beyond overwhelmed...I think I'm actually a little numb right now.
I feel like I should be more emotional. But I'm not really...not too much any way. I did get a little teary-eyed when my mother asked me if I was feeling depressed "or anything". But other than that, I just still can't believe that we've dealt with two miscarriages. It's so incredibly unfair to me at times. And it's shocking how easy it seems to be for every body else to be pregnant. My friend's pregnancy has been pretty easy. She's not been too sick, at least for a while. And she's not even had an ultrasound yet (and she may not). She's going to a midwife. My other good friend's sister is also pregnant and she's about the same due date as my good friend. And her pregnancy seems to be pretty easy too.
I could have had a baby this weekend.
That is so incredibly crazy.
It does hit me...hard...every once in a while. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to be able to mope or cry about it. We are too busy having to move and deal with other shit.
I wish we could get a break.