mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Post-Big News

Yesterday was a strange day. Whenever I would remember that B and S were having a baby, it just seemed so un-worldly or something. It just seems crazy. If I forget (and I can't) that me and Star would almost be there, twice, I just can't get over that our best friends are going to be parents. It seems outrageous. I'm 28, my husband is almost 26. We've been married for almost three and a half years. We were the first of our friends to get married. People we know have just gotten married in the last year or so, most of them are actually a couple of years younger than me. I'm guess I'm trying to figure out when people have kids. I suppose we've (and our friends) have started a little early...with the whole marriage thing. It seems that these days, the norm is to get married in your early 30s and then have children a few years after that. Having children is something that makes you feel/seem "grown-up". I should re-phrase that...having children seems to make someone look more "grown-up". I can't quite put it in words, but though we've come close ourselves to starting a family...I just can't get over that we know personal friends starting families. Wow.
Then there's the whole other aspect to all of this. There are so many aspects of this...actually. Maybe all of this will hit me later or I'll start feeling bitter in a bit, but at the moment I seem to feel extremely excited about their pregnancy. And the only real sadness or jealousy I feel is that B and S are in freakin' Montana. I'm so extremely bummed out that me and Star can't drive the five minute ride, across the bridge to their apartment to hang out anymore. I know that S is not all that happy as to their situation right now. She hasn't been able to find a job (and now she really probably won't be able to), B is gone for at least 12 hours every day, they live in an basement-apartment under her sister...and they (S and her sister) aren't getting along all that well. I know that before they moved, she wasn't all that excited about it. There were little bits she was looking forward to, but overall, she wanted to stay here in Massachusetts. The thing that was making the move better was that there was hope of trying to save money. B was to get a good job building houses, etc. They were going to be able to put money away. S told me the other night that they are doing the same out there as they were doing here, with the whole making money and saving money thing. Montana (they are in Bozeman) is not as cheap as they had hoped/planned. And even worse, is that they are getting a little bit of a deal on their apartment since it's her sister's house. I feel so badly because beside the fact that S is severely lonely, it doesn't seem that what they/she had hoped would happen out of this move is happening. They seem to be in the same financial state and without the company they once had here.

Anyway...me and Star are hoping/planning to see them this summer. We were kind of thinking of it before all of this news...but now with the news...there's a type of urgency for the visit now...at least that's how I feel. I sent S an e-mail today telling her this, I hope it doesn't freak or stress her out. I hope that she would want that. I think she would.
The thing about all of this though...is that S doesn't know about our second miscarriage. I think I've written about this before. The second one happened about 2 and a half weeks before there wedding. I just didn't feel as though it was appropriate to say anything. I knew she would have probably wanted me to, but maybe I didn't feel up to it. Anyway...after their wedding, they were moving two weeks later. And between feeling emotional about my own stuff and then being severely upset about them moving, I didn't confide again. After they moved, I decided I would write S a letter. I never did. And actually, we've been really bad about communicating. I'll wait a bit...but I think maybe I should get that letter out of my system. Maybe in a couple of weeks. How do you go about something like this? Especially so long after the fact? Very few people know about our second miscarriage. It was a more painful one in many respects. We knew for a very short time (three days) that we were pregnant before I lost it. We only told our immediate family. And then, people at my work knew about it because I was out of work for a while. It was kind of hard to hide the fact that something major was going on.
At any rate...I suppose that none of this has really sunk in. I have a feeling that if they were close by, maybe I would have a much harder time dealing with their news. Seeing them often would have a different effect on the situation. I'm going to try not to analyze that aspect of it though. I'm going to be excited for now. I'm sure that I'm going to have ups and downs with all of this.
I'm going to have to get used to it.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

It's happened...

We just got word today that our best friends (the ones that just got married in September and moved to Montana in October) are expecting a baby.
Oh boy.
Needless to say, I'm feeling a whole range of emotions. Yes, jealousy is one of things, but not quite like how I thought I would feel it. The jealousy plays more in the way that I really wish we could be near them while they are going through this amazing thing. I am so sad that they live three days away. I want to be there to take S shopping for the baby. I want to watch her belly grow. I want to see B (husband) transform into the proud papa. I mostly (right now anyway) feel sad that we aren't near.
Of course, all of this has pretty strange timing...as these sorts of things would. If my first pregnancy had lasted, February 1st would be my due date. I can't help but imagine how cool it would be for me to be on my last week of pregnancy, listening to B and S news.
There's so much to say right now. But I won't get into it at the moment.
Life is so strange. Timing in life is even stranger.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Up to my eyeballs (actually, just my hips) in snow!

Damn! There's a lot of snow around this place. It's fun actually. I'm enjoying being snowed in. At least, so far I am. I hoping for a snow day at the museum tomorrow. We'll see if that happens. And I'm sure that Star will get the day off tomorrow, being a teacher and all. The city of Boston has already cancelled school for Monday and Tuesday. I have a sneaking suspicion that the suburbs will do a similar thing.
So...for the most part, my cold is done. I still have a little pluggage in my ears, and I've still got more snot and a cough than I would like. But, I can breathe and not feel like I'm going to die. This cold was pretty nasty. I don't really know what it was. It was whatever was "going around". Even my doctor didn't give a diagnosis, she had the same thing herself. Oh joy!
So other than getting over being sick and the blizzard...there's not too much to report.