mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, January 15, 2005

It's official...

I'm sick. Really sick.
Snot and mucus everywhere. And just in time for the weekend too. That's how it always seems to happen. Sick in time for my days off.
Oh well.
Hopefully I'll be better for Monday. As it's a holiday, it will be busy at the museum. And I'm the supervisor that day.
I'll be fine
So...I've spent the day watching movies, or bits of movies. Oh yeah...and I've been making a stew in my crock pot. I thought that some good stew would be something to help heal me.
Other than that...there's not too much going on.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

It's true...be careful what you wish for

Or hope for.
With Star being sick for the last week, I was wondering when I was going to get whatever it was. His sickness started around Wednesday/Thursday of last week. Over the weekend I hoped that if I got sick that it would happen after my HSG. Sure enough...yesterday morning I woke up with swollen glands and a sore throat. It seemed to have gone away over the course of the day...but today...I woke up with the feeling even more so and with a nasty sounding/tasting cough. And the feeling never went away.
Apparently...I'm sick.
Oh well.
The worst part is that I kind of feel like I can't call out. I know I can, technically. But there is something in me that doesn't want to. This is such a terrible thing I'm about to say (but hey this is my blog and it's somewhat anonymous) but, the reason why I don't want to call out is because I secretly want to show up one of my co-workers who has called out at least one day a week for the last three weeks. How terrible does that sound? I know...it's pretty terrible. Anyway...this chic likes to milk everything for all it's worth. The first day she called out, she told me the day before that she didn't think she was going to make it in the next day. But, somehow she was able to laugh, sing, and carry-on with my other obnoxious co-worker. I feel like if you were really sick...you wouldn't be up for that.
Well, anyway...I don't feel good, but I'm not really that bad off. My job right now (winter season, really slow) is extremely low-key and if I need to go run to the bathroom to cough out my brains, no one will notice or care. Well...they may care...but I won't be bothering anything.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

I'm good! I'm good!

It's done! It's over with. The HSG is a thing of the past. Hopefully I never need to have another one again.
Yesterday I ended up going into work for just under three hours in the morning before my appointment. That was a waste of my time because I was feeling stressed and irritable about my appointment. At noon, I was done and went back home to eat a light lunch and take my four Advil. Star was home (he's been fighting an upper respitatory infection for the last week) and was able to take me to my appointment (which was a very good thing in many ways). Fortunately, I was already pre-registered so I didn't have very much waiting to do. I got to experience a different part of the hospital (radiology) that I haven't previously experienced before. A very friendly tattooed (just on the back of her neck) nurse (I think) showed me to the little dressing area. It reminded me of a dressing room from a department store or something. She gave me my little johnny and "bathrobe" and I quickly changed and waited. Almost immediately a woman (I think she was an x-ray technician) opened a door to a crazy looking room with a big-ass machine. Everybody at the hospital was so friendly to me yesterday. It made a world of difference to me. Anyway, I went into the room and immediately saw my OB/gyn. She was very happy or something. She showed me all of the tools and explained what she was going to do. I was feeling a bit nervous. A pap smear is nothing to me. I don't even complain about those anymore because they are so minor. So...my Doc started the procedure, explaining everything as she did it. I started to cramp up almost right away. The longest part (though it was probably only 2 minutes) was waiting for the x-ray doctor (figures...a man) to come in to actually do the x-ray. While we were waiting for him, I was starting to get really uncomfortable. It was almost surreal. Maybe it was because I was getting kind of light-headed. I was in a lot of pain and I was on the table with a crazy machine over me. I've never, ever experienced any thing like that before. Finally the x-ray man came in and the monitor was turned on and was were I could see it too. Then...suddenly...my uterus was on the screen. Now...that was crazy. Up until this year...I have never had any health problems. I've never had a broken bone or even a cavity (until 6 months ago). So...until yesterday, I've never even seen any pictures of my insides before. I think it freaked me out a little bit. A couple of times, I had turn away from the screen because doubled with the pain of the cramps...it was almost too much for me to take at once. Anyhow...the actual x-ray part of the thing only last for a minute. My doctor was saying some things that I couldn't hear, but the x-ray-technician-woman next to me kept turning to me to say, "that's good, that's very good." So...though I was in some pain...I felt good. My Doc said that there were no blockages or openings and that my tubes looked good and thin, and clear.
So...as I felt kind of headachy and crampy as hell, I walked out of the hospital feeling good knowing that as of right now, my uterus and tubes are in good shape. It's an amazingly good feeling. It's such a relief. A month ago I didn't think we would ever know why I had the miscarriages, and I kind of didn't want to find out why. I was afraid. But...I think for now we have some sort of answer. I guess we won't really know for sure until we try again. And for now we aren't.
Thank you Crista for thinking of me yesterday. Thank you also for warning me too. Your positive vibes helped. I'm not used to having cramps, so when I actually got them yesterday, they were more than I planned. But I'd do it again to be told that everything "looks good".

Monday, January 10, 2005

Another trip to the hospital

So tomorrow is the big day. I get to endure a HSG (I don't really remember the real word...I'd call it a "something-something-o'gram"). Tomorrow I'll go into work for two hours and then leave super early in order to go to the hospital to get stuff squirted up and into me. Oh yea.
A week ago, I was feeling cool about. No big deal. Everything will be good.
Today (and yesterday...maybe that was why I was crying so much watching the movie) I feel a little less brave about the x-ray. I already know that my progesterone is low. Hopefully that is all I have to deal with. But the worrying part in me is a little stressed about this next test. What if they see something? What if they see something really bad? What if it's something that is not fixable or something that's impossible to work with?
In reassuring myself I keep reminding myself that for the most part of my womanly life, I've had normal, regular periods. When I've had ultrasounds (only twice), I've been told that everything "looks good". They only thing they've noticed is that I have a tipped uterus...but that's another supposed "common" thing.
I want to say so easily that "everything will be fine". But the truth is is that I am a little bit nervous about this and I just really want everything to be right.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Me, crying like a baby

Oh boy.
I just saw the saddest movie ever. It's called "My Life Without Me". Anyone ever see it? I'm not sure I've ever cried as much as I just did throughout the whole movie.
It's about a 23 year old mother and wife who finds out that she has a tumor that is rapidly spreading around from her ovaries to her stomach. She's told she has 2 months to live. She doesn't tell anybody (including her husband) and instead makes a list of things that she wants to do before she dies.
A very good movie (except for that she cheats on her husband which was a bit upsetting to me) but very sad.
Spending my Sunday crying.
It's been a short weekend.

Untitled...not feeling too creative at the moment

I don't know where the last week went. It flew by, as usual.
I worked all week...and the some. Somehow I got talked into working a couple of extra hours last night (Saturday). It definitely wasn't worth my time. It's not like I'll get time and a half. I'd rather be with my husband than making a couple of extra bucks. Oh well.
Star's buddy came back this weekend. And with his "girlfriend". I kind of threw a bit of a fit about that. I feel kind of guilty about that. I don't enjoy throwing tantrums. Sometimes they just happen. I knew that there was a "threat" of him coming back up...but I didn't really think it was going to happen. And then to top it off...he was bringing company. The company is what I think really got to me the most. He has a girlfriend that he's met at church. If you knew the guy you'd know how ridiculous that sounds. Apparently, he forgot about his girlfriend when we were at the pub last weekend (New Year's Eve). So...besides having extra people in my house, I felt a sort of guilt whenever I looked at this girl because I knew that her guy was unfaithful to her just a week ago with us. Also...I suppose this is really bitchy and none of my business...but I can't help but want to warn this girl to get far away from the guy. He's trouble. But...it's none of my business (really) and he is Star's best friend. And, I guess that's another part that bothers me. I'm not comfortable when Star makes excuses for his friend. I think there are some things that you can't make excuses for.
Anyway...they showed up real late on Friday night. I was already in bed. Yesterday morning I had a hair appointment so I didn't see much of them the during the day. The girl (I should come up with some names) seems nice. I feel a kind of strange unnamed pressure. I feel like since this is Star's buddy's girlfriend...I'm supposed to become best friends with her. I already did that with his buddy's ex-fiancee. That didn't work out so well. I'm not the most outgoing person so it's difficult for me to act like I am.
Well...anyway...they are gone now. They just left about 20 minutes ago. I'm excited to have our apartment to ourselves. I feel like we haven't had that in a while. Star is sick. He's been sick since Friday. I'm wondering when I'll get it. I'm hoping that if I do have to get it that it will happen after Tuesday. Tuesday, I'm going in for my HSG. I haven't really thought about it too much. I've been assuming that it will be easy and that nothing will be wrong. Though every once in a while I do get a slight wondering of will happen if they do see something wrong. I don't think I'll be prepared for that.
I just try to keep thinking the positive thoughts.