mu's world

nothingness

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Sharing sadness

Gosh. I really don't know where to start. I already know that I don't have the energy, patience, or time to write what I really want to write. So please bear with me through this entry. It will probably be a little scattered-brain. But...that's how I kind of feel...so it will be genuine.

This week has been the longest. Last Tuesday morning at about 7:15, just after Star left for work, the phone rang. It was my father-in-law calling to tell us that Star's aunt had just died. Star's aunt had been very ill for a very long time, at least 15 years. Since I've known Star (almost six years now), every holiday, birthday, family-gathering could possibly be his aunt's last. So to put it bluntly, we've always (especially Star) been waiting for the call. And it came early on Tuesday morning.
The thing is though, is that his aunt was a pretty amazing woman. She was determined, she was extremely intelligent, she was young (she'd just be turning 50 this coming Sunday), she was a sister, a mother, and a great aunt to Star. She also went through a lot of shit in her life. She endured a rough childhood with difficult parents, she married and divorced a man that didn't treat her well...he was horrible, and she dealt with something that probably anyone reading this entry has either dealt with or knows someone who has...infertility. In the early 80s after desperately trying to conceive, she realized that she wasn't able to have children "naturally". She attempted IVF. She attempted it when it was still in a sort of an experimental stage. She dealt with all of the bouts of drugs that went along with it. Unfortunately, these things didn't work for her. Nothing worked. She had various problems to contend with. While going through measures to get pregnant, she and her husband (they were married at this time) adopted a little boy, Star's cousin. After the adoption and giving up on getting pregnant, Star's aunt wrote a book about her situation. Unfortunately, the book didn't do so well. It did get a lot of attention when it first came out, but it seems that it came out during a time when people didn't really know what IVF, etc was.
Shortly after all of her treatments, her immune system started to fail her. She ended up going through various surgeries, including some that needed blood transfusions that didn't go well. She actually received a bad batch of blood that contained Hepatitis C. She had also developed a brain tumor.

This is kind of the short story of Aunt J. There's so much more I could say and will say when I have more time and patience for typing and thinking. This last week was hard in so, so many ways. Seeing my mother-in-law lose her only sister, and the last of her childhood family was hard. Watching my husband's cousins (Aunt J had also later adopted a Korean girl) look at their mother one last time, was heart-breaking. Not to mention my husband's loss. He adored his Aunt J. She was like an older sister he never had. All of this was so saddening.
Then there was the strange part. February 1st (the day that Aunt J passed) was the prospective "due date" of my first miscarriage. I very sadly regret that I never got to sit down with J and share conversation about a similar disappointment. I'm pretty sure she knew about it, though I never actually told her. At the wake, my mother-in-law was talking with a co-worker about another co-worker that wasn't able to come because she was watching a grand-baby. My mother-in-law made a comment about how the baby could have come, a baby would help soothe the situation. I couldn't help but think about our own little baby that never made it this far. How strange it could have been that our baby could have been born on the same day that Aunt J died.

I'm going to stop for now. There's still so much more in my mind. But like I said earlier...I don't have patience and I don't really have time. So later, I will come back and hopefully piece all of this together a little better.

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