mu's world

nothingness

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Baby and flying dreams

Even though I used to think of myself as a loner, I realize these days that I don't really do well sometimes by myself. Last night, Star was at band rehearsal when I got home from work. So...I had 5-9 to myself at the apartment. Usually I don't really mind some time to myself. But for some reason last night, the lonesome time allowed me to start freaking out about stuff...mostly money. I thought I'd take some time and write out a couple of checks (maybe not such a great idea a few days before Christmas) that are due this week. As I was writing out a hefty check for the dentist's office, I thought that it was possible that I could have a panic attack. Suddenly all of these thoughts just rushed to my brain. The rent is due (overdue). Some of the utilities are due next week. Then the week after that our big credit card payment is due. How on earth will we ever afford a condo? How could we ever have a child on our budget? And then that just gets me real down.
Before we had the miscarriages, our only plan really was to have children when we could afford them. And it wasn't that we were planning to be super rich at that time, we just wanted to be comfortable. Since the second miscarriage, I suddenly feel this urge to have children as soon as we can. I feel like time is running out or something. Like this morning, I realized that I was ovulating and was half thinking...oh...what if we were to try this time? But it be foolish (almost stupid) to try, to even think about having kids. First of all, I need to make sure my body is healthy, and secondly...we have no money. We couldn't possibly afford to have a baby.
Last night I had a dream that me and Star adopted a day-old newborn from Nairobi, Africa (not sure if I spelled that correctly). It was a very strange dream because I remember seeing the plane land. We seemed to be right under the plane when it landed. As soon as the plane stopped, I had the baby in my arms. It was a little boy. We took the baby home and as soon as we did...it seemed to turn into a cat because it was using the cat box. Weird dream, huh?
As weird as that dream was though, waking up this morning I could still feel what it was like to hold the baby in my arms. I don't think I've ever really held a newborn baby in my arms, in real life. But in dreams, I do often and it's such a feeling, a feeling that I still feel in the morning after I wake up. I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to experience it in real life. It's kind of like dreams I had as a child and teenager about flying. While dreaming, it feels so real. But then you wake up.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Four more days

Christmas shopping (almost...just one gift, but I don't really count it because it's just a $10 stocking stuffer from Dunkin Donuts) complete!
Yeah...it feels good.
What's even better is that I was only shopping around for about 3 hours. It's a record.
So now...I kind of feel like I can relax.
Kind of. My apartment feels like it exploded a little. But I always feel that way when I'm a little stressed. I'm not sure exactly why I feel stressed, but I do a little. It's kind of sneaking up on me. Some of it has to do with Star. He really doesn't enjoy this time of year. He gets stressed because of his family...so then I get stressed because I worry about him not feeling right. It's a vicious circle, you could say. We won't be seeing his family at all this holiday. I think that in the last three years, we've managed to get down there sometime around now...but we just couldn't swing it this year. I think he feels some guilt about that, even though he doesn't much want to go down anyway.
I also feel a little strange because I can't help but think every once in a while that I could be pregnant right now. We would be expecting. The holidays would be so different this year if everything had worked out. I think that we would have finally gotten our folks to come to us. We'd be getting all kinds of crazy baby gifts. Everything would be so exciting (and still scary too, I bet). Though our family, some friends, and co-workers (that knew) were really great after our last miscarriage, I kind of feel like other people have forgotten. Not that I want other people to remind me...no way...but I guess like I feel that some (my mom, etc) don't realize that I'm still very sad about this. And in a way, the holidays are kind of bringing it up a little. I've never lost (death) anyone really close to me before, but I kind of have an inkling of what that might feel with our lost baby. I've heard that often people who have lost loved ones have an especially hard time around the holidays. Though I only knew about our baby for three days before I lost it, I kind of feel like I understand what some may feel around the holidays.
Though I think these things...I kind of feel like I'm feeling them outside of my body. I feel a little disconnected. It's strange...I'm having a hard time explaining.

Monday, December 20, 2004

The Day

This is it. Today is the day that I play "catch-up". I've got to finish my Christmas shopping today. Ugh. Next year...I'm doing this right. I'm starting in July or something. I say that every year...but really...I've got to do it that way or I'm running the risk of giving myself an ulcer (I've probably got one already).
The weekend was interesting. Friday night was nice. Me and Star went into Boston to see a show (Evan Dando). It was one of the most relaxing "club" experience I've ever had. We got to sit! Boy does that make a difference. Saturday, I went out for lunch with my sister and then that was about it. One of Star's best friend's came up from Philly around 2:00 pm. We hung out and then went back into the city to see a friend's band. That was kind of a strange night. The show was at some gallery in an artist "colony" of some sort in South Boston. It was nice and all, but the guy running the gallery was trying to charge $7 and there was no bathroom in the joint. It was also BYOB (seemed a bit sketchy). I don't know...I guess I was feeling kind of old. And actually, I think there's a huge chance that I was the oldest person at the show. There are more reasons for why it was strange night...though I don't feel like getting into the details now. Basically...I don't feel as cool and hip has I might have at one time and I especially feel un-cool at gatherings like that. I'm also reminded of shit that we've endured in the last couple of months...the naivete is gone. I miss it.
Yesterday we went to an open house at a friend's. Other than not knowing anybody there except for three people...it was okay. There was an adorable kid named Jack there. He was fun. And then there was his mom. She was pregnant and due April 30th (about 2 weeks after I'd be due if I were still pregnant). So...that was a little wierd. I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd have a belly now if I were pregnant. A belly with big boobs. I wasn't really feeling anything...maybe just numb. Then the mommy talked about how she and her husband had moved into her dad's house because she's a stay-at-home-mom. Her poor husband commutes an hour to get to work and then goes home to his father-in-law. She didn't say that...(poor) I was just thinking it. She just said..."the sacrifices you make". I was thinking..."no thanks"...maybe I don't want kids.
Her son was adorable though...and he really liked me.
Well...
I'm off. I need to get going. It's going ot be a long day.