mu's world

nothingness

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Thursday

Things did work out. I probably sounded like a cry baby yesterday but I was almost at my wit's end. It's that time of month...I'm allowed.
After I wrote that blog yesterday I did manage to get the car going. I got gas, did some window-shopping, got my brows done, and even managed to make it to a mall that is a little ways from home...but they have the H&M and that's where I really wanted to go.
I did have a little problem when I got home. I couldn't get into the front door the apartment building. My key wouldn't work. I spent about 10 minutes on that. Ugh. Finally my neighbor came down to let me in. I hope that thing isn't sticking today.
There's a lot scheduled for today.
I'm taking the train into the city where I'm planning to go to the MFA to visit a friend (she works there) and do some looking around. It's been a long time since I've done that. Then...I'm going to go to Harvard Square for a meeting...then I'll meet some friends and will go to Somerville where my husband's band is playing a show.
It's going to be a full day.
I hope I'll make it through.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Frustration

I want to cry right now. But I know that it would be stupid because it wouldn't help things and it's not that important.
I've been counting on this day off for over a month to get some stuff done for Christmas.
First, we don't have much money because our fucking bank has decided to charge us $162 in overdraft charges for I don't-know-what-the-fuck-for. I won't get into all the details, but basically, I think the charges are a bit wrong and I hope it will be figured out soon. So...since the moo-la is low at the moment, I won't be doing any Christmas shopping today. This is the first reason why the day is a waste.
Secondly...I did make an appointment for a brow wax today. This is one of the few luxuries I allow myself. It doesn't cost much, I get it done about once a month, and it makes me feel good...I get a new face after I have one. I was supposed to have an appointment at 11:15 a.m. It is now 10:59 a.m. It takes about 20 minutes to get to the salon. I won't be going because my fucking car won't start. I did call to postpone the appointment until 1:30...I hope I can even make it to that.
It was pouring rain around here yesterday. My car doesn't like to start when it's been raining. It's kind of finicky. After a while, it will start...but it takes a while. Too boot, I'm almost out of gas. So...I'm kind of nervous about just letting it run because I don't want to run out of gas on top of everything else.

I know that life could be a whole lot worse right now. I know that. I know that there are people out there with a hell of a lot worser problems than I have at the moment. But...I'd just like to be able to get to my waxing appointment at least. That's all I really want right now. Oh yeah...I'd like to be able to get gas into my car too. So...if I could just get some gas and wax...I'd be in a lot better of spirits.

Maybe I'm asking for too much.

Good, good, good

Yay...day off!
Originally, the plan was to do some Christmas shopping today. Unfortunately...there isn't really any money because I spent it all on bills (well, there is money but not enought to get the bulk of the Christmas shopping done like I've been planning). Good bills like electric, gas, phone...etc. We both get our paychecks tomorrow so that's good timing. Except for not really because tomorrow I'm taking the train into the city to see my good friend and going to an "informational session" at a school that I'm very much thinking about taking a night course from this coming Spring.
Anyway...today I will get my brow waxing (they're looking bad) and do some Christmas window shopping. You know, get an idea of what I want to buy before I buy. I may also make a trip to H&M (best store ever...wicked cheap too) to see if there maybe something for a Christmas party that we are going to on Friday.
We are going to Star's work's Christmas party. I'm a little nervous. First, I'm always a little nervous going to parties where I don't really know anyone. I've been to this party for the last two years...but I'm just not really most outgoing person so parties are always a little bit of work for me. The second reason why I'm a little nervous is because the expecting parents will be there. In the three years that Star has worked at this school, this particular co-worker has never gone to these Christmas parties. This year they are coming. I'm looking forward to seeing them. They are very sweet people. But, I'm also a little nervous...of course. I just hope that no stupid by-standers will make any comments like "When will you two have one?" I know, I'm just a bit hyper-sensitive.
Yesterday at work, I was talking to two of my co-workers. We were talking about what we like to eat...what kinds of foods. I was saying that in the last week I've been craving seafood enchiladas. One of them asked me, "Are you pregnant?"...she was just kidding around. She's only been at the museum for 2 months and she knows nothing about my miscarriages. My only reply was, "I better not be", with a laugh. But my stomach just about dropped because this was a few hours before my period started so I was a tad bit nervous.
I'll be fine on Friday night. I hope Star will be. He will be too, though.

So...this month I think will the month that I will get that progesterone blood test done. I'm supposed to count 21 days from the first day of my cycle. I started last night. Should I count 21 days from last night...or 21 days from the first full day. I should call that nice nurse at the office.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

It's here...

Yup...my period. Little disappointed (I always am these last few months) but also glad because that's another cycle down. Another cycle closer to being able to try again, for real. At least I can have my glass of wine guilt-free.
Ugh.
I asked Star today if he told his co-worker about our experiences this last Summer. He told him a couple of days ago. I guess his wife went for her first ultrasound today. She must be around eight weeks or something? I don't know. The reason why they waited so long to tell people was because of fear of having a miscarriage. (Note to self...keep it to ourselves the next time we get pregnant.)

On to the good part of the day...I don't have to work for the next two days!!! Yipee.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Back up

Oh...I should back up. I should say a little more about the rest of the weekend. For instance, maybe I should say a little something about my mini-breakdown on Friday night. It was the first time I've cried for myself in the last month (couple days before my birthday).
So...on Friday night...me and Star had a little date. We went to see the movie "Kinsey" (very good by the way...slow in some parts and really sad in others) and after that we went for dinner. When we got home it was around eleven. So, we sat on the couch and watched some television. Somehow we ended up watching that program "Family Bonds" again. Silly show. It is kind of funny. There are some humorous parts to it. Unfortunately, however, the episode that we happened to tune in to was the one will the daughter gives birth. It was interesting. I was interested in the process of the birth and all that. I wasn't even (really) thinking about myself. But then, she finally gave birth and everyone (on the show) was crying. And all of the sudden...I burst out in tears. I was bawling. The first couple of tears I was able to play off. I think I was crying out of one eye at first. But then all of the sudden it all came out and I couldn't hide it anymore. And what was worse was that I felt paralyzed. I couldn't get off of the couch. I couldn't even go hide and cry because I felt depleted of any energy.
I think I might have scared the crap out of my husband for a little bit.
I did manage to get up and go to the bathroom, blow my nose, wipe my tears. I felt horrible. I felt like shit. I hated that a stupid reality television show made me bawl like that.
When I went back into the livingroom, Star just held me. He didn't say anything. He just held me. That was all I needed.
Some days there isn't anything to say.
Like the day before the bawling incident, Star told me about a close friend at work who just told him that he and his wife are expecting. Ugh. That kind of seemed like it came out of nowhere. Obviously we are happy for the co-worker and his wife...but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's kind of awkward. I should be pregnant right now. This should be something that Star is sharing with his co-worker. They are very close and what is hard is that Star never told this guy about our miscarriages this Summer (Star is a teacher...our first miscarriage happened about a week before school ended this last June...the second happened about two weeks before school happened). It's something that he has thought about telling him because they are close...but it's just never come up. And how do you bring it up? Especially when someone just tells you that they are expecting.
While my whole staff at work knows about our situation, Star never shared any of this with his co-workers. But...like I said earlier...this is something he's thought of sharing with this one particular guy. I suggested to Star that he tell this guy when it is more comfortable so that he (Star) doesn't have to feel awkward or like he's stretching to act enthusiastic when the whole time thinking about what we've missed out on. He hasn't done it yet...but he may. We'll be seeing them at the work Christmas party this coming Friday. It's going to be difficult.

Meanwhile...I'm a day late.
Yeah...I know...I shouldn't be concerned. But I am a little. I'm concerned that I got so incredibly sick a week and a half ago and I'm still not quite sure why. I'm concerned because I haven't felt pre-menstrual. I'm concerned because even though I probably got a fucking UTI because of the spermicide condoms we've been using...with our luck we'd probably still get pregnant.
And the hard part is that I want to pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly! But I know that after only having two cycles since my last miscarriage...getting pregnant right now would probably not be a good idea. Especially since I have a bad feeling that it would not end in the right way.
Oh this sucks.
I wish it were about six months from now. Or maybe four. Yeah...March would be good. Maybe we would be closer to getting our own place and closer to planning a healthy family.
I need to relax.

Let the Holidays begin

Yesterday was a good day. We got our Christmas tree, we went to three open houses (condos, really), I did some cooking, my sister came over for our Thanksgiving re-do, and we trimmed the tree. It was nice. It kind of made me look forward to the holidays.
The open houses were interesting. We actually made it to three. The first one was probably my favorite. It was a two bedroom (bedrooms were kind of small...smaller than what we are used to because our bedroom right now is wicked huge and we'll probably never find a bedroom like that ever again), with a dining room/office area, french doors leading to the livingroom area, good sized kitchen (maybe larger than what we have now), with a washer/dryer, huge windows and wood floors (that's really probably what I liked the most). The only immediate work I'd want to do is to get rid of the wallpaper in the kitchen...but other than that...it looked pretty good. The price is actually about 10,000 dollars cheaper than what we are looking. And the seller is "motivated" so we'd probably be able to go down even lower. The negatives about the place...it's in a pretty big unit (I think 9 other condos are in the building) and it's in a not so desirable part of town. But it's on the outskirts of that part of town...and I personally think that part of town is changing a little bit. It's getting a little better.

Oh shoot...I'm running out of time...I need to get to work.

More later.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

There's no place like home for the holidays

So...last weekend was a bust. It was very disappointing. And furthermore it really sucks because we won't be seeing the in-law's around Christmas this year. So...last weekend was the holiday for us to share.
On the way down to NJ, I was slowly beginning to feel really funny. I felt like my kidneys were sore or something. But then, I thought that maybe I was just imagining that. I was sleepy and trying to ignore the feeling of wanting to urinate. We finally made it to the in-law's at around one in the morning.
The next morning, I woke up extremely early needing to use the bathroom. I was in a little bit of pain. I did go back to sleep for a little while and when I woke up at around nine o'clock, I felt terribly sick. My stomach was an awful mess. I couldn't tell if I needed to throw up or poop. It's one of the most terrible physical feelings I've ever experienced. We were supposed to go to a soup kitchen to serve Thanksgiving dinner for folks. Even the thought of food made me seriously ill. So, I ended up staying at the house while my husband and mother-in-law went to serve food. Meanwhile, my father-in-law was seriously sick. He slept the whole day in his easy chair while I belly-ached watching the Macy's parade and dog show.
Star and his mom came back about 3 hours later and had lunch. I did manage down a couple of bites of soup and yogurt after a shower. Soon after that...I felt like was going to throw up again. So, I took a two hour nap. Around six o'clock I woke up and once again felt immediately sick. It was terrible because we were just about to have our Thanksgiving dinner (which didn't include turkey because my in-law's are vegetarians). I couldn't make it to the table. I just couldn't. So...I went back to bed. And...Apparently my father-in-law didn't make it to dinner either because he was so sick.
The next day...my husband brought his dad to the ER to get some chest x-rays. I was still terribly sick to my stomach. I was also mad at myself because I was worried about my father-in-law. When he's not feeling well it's very serious because he was in a terrible auto accident about a year and a half ago. He now has various health conditions that are very serious. They ended up admitting him to the hospital because they figured out that he still had a pneumonia from a couple of months ago. They were concerned about fluid getting to his heart.
Somehow we got through the weekend. My father-in-law got to go home on Monday. We made it home after being on the the road for 10 hours (it's supposed to be a 6 hour trip). I figured out (I think) that it was the antibiotic that made me sick. Fortunately I had only one dose left before I was to be finished...so the UTI was pretty much over too.
It was so good to get back home.

So...tonight we are going to have the Thanksgiving dinner we never had with my sister and without a turkey. The turkey's were too big and expensive...so I just got a large roasting chicken (I think I like chicken better anyway...more moist). We'll have all the fixings and my sister's bringing a pumpkin pie to boot. Yum.
I'm hoping that we will get our Christmas tree today and maybe tonight we can trim after dinner with a little egg nog and bourbon.
Things are busy. I haven't started my shopping for the holiday and today we are going to look at open houses. We are looking for a condo. I want one so bad...but I'm so scared to death of the process of getting one. I'm afraid that no one in their right mind will give us a mortgage. We've got a lot of debt, though we are trying to turn that around.

So...there's my update.