mu's world

nothingness

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The fun never stops around here

Yeah...it doesn't.
I'm self diagnosing here...but I believe that I am the not-so-proud recipient of a urinary tract infection.

What the heck?
I just figures.
And it hurts like hell.
Not to mention that it's embarrassing.
It started at work today. I was sitting (on lunch break) in the back room eating my Luna bar (aka lunch) looking through my wallet. I don't know what exactly I was looking for...but I was just looking. I'm always surprised by what I find in my own wallet. There are all kinds of goodies. Like old Starbuck's freebies or business cards of people I would never go to...but for some reason...I have their card. Anyway...I was browsing when I recognized the little card that the hospital that I go to...I saw their card. At the hospital (even if you just going for lab work), they give you a little card so that when you go to register...they have most all of your current stuff. So...anyway...I noticed the card and I thought to myself how it was so nice I haven't had to go there in a while. I actually thought those words to myself.
Right after that, I decided that I would go down the street to the local coffee shop and get myself a cup of Indian Spice Chai. On the way out...I stopped at the bathroom. After urinating...I realized that I kind of felt like I had to go again...but I thought that maybe it was just my imagination. So I proceeded to the coffee shop.
After the coffee shop, I went to this cute little shop that sells the best candles. While browsing the shop, I realized that I had that uncomfortable feeling again. So I headed back to the museum to take care of business before I had to head back on the floor.
For the next two and a half hours I dealt with running to the bathroom every 15 minutes. Then...the times got closer. Finally I talked with a lady I know who kind of has experiences with UTIs. I asked her about the common symptoms and she almost immediately insisted that I get to the Dr's right away. At first I was a bit hesitant. But then I realized that we are driving (at least) six hours down to NJ tomorrow night. The last thing in the world I need to deal with is a pee problem.
So...I got in touch with my trusty ol' pals at the OB/Gyn office. They faxed papers to the lab and I just had to show up after I got out of work. Except for when I got out of work and went home to change...the pain got MUCH worse. So...for two hours I couldn't be more than 15 feet away from our bathroom. I couldn't even make the trip to the hospital. And to top things off...I seemed to be bleeding too.
UGH!!!!!!!
Finally around 7:00...we got to the hospital. Once I was there...I spent five painful minutes in the bathroom and then I was done.
Now I'm waiting.
Waiting for the Doctor to call to tell me that I have what I already know I have and prescribe some pills for me.
Oh...and by the way...I could barely pee.
Oh yeah...and then the pee was red. I think that scared my hubby a little.

I'm trying to have a good attitude about this right now. Trying to be funny. I feel like I'm finally getting my money's worth out of our health insurance with all the trips to the Dr's office I've made in the last five months.

UGH.

Holiday prepping

Well...it's here...holiday time.
It does start earlier and earlier every year, right? It's not just my imagination. Of course, going up to Montreal in the first week of November kind of screwed up my sense of "holiday-time" too. They start early up there. Everything was decked out in Christmas stuff.
I do like the holidays and I'm going to try to enjoy them this year. It's hard though. It's hard trying to split up the time between our two families. My parents are in CT and Star's are down in NJ. My parents don't care to travel anywhere and Star's parent's are kind of bound to their home because of sick aunt and an elderly grandmother. And that's another reason why we go down there, to see them. They can't really travel. Everything just kind of seems hectic. Since we've been married we have managed to flip the holidays. One year we go to CT for Thanksgiving and NJ for Christmas...the next year we flip it.
Every year me and my husband hope and wish that we could have a holiday with both sets of parents. I don't know if that will ever happen. The in-law's have responsibilities down in NJ and my parents are insecure and anti-social. I used to always say that when we have kids we are going to make them all come up to us. I can't help but wonder how different the holidays would be right now if I were still pregnant. I have a feeling that they all would be coming to us.
Thinking about what things would be like if I were still pregnant is too strange. I kind of imagine myself as some sort of alter-ego. I'd be more responsible, more organized, more grown-up. Christmas sure would be different this year. It'd be a hell of a lot more exciting.
While I'm looking forward to going down to NJ this weekend...I'm also a bit nervous about it. We haven't seen the in-law's since July. The miscarriage happened in late August. I know that whenever Star talks to them on the phone they want to know about my health and if I've been to the doctor's, etc. I know it's out of concern that they ask these questions...but I guess I'm just still not up for lots of conversation and questions. When we saw them in July, I had a conversation with my mother-in-law about my first miscarriage and it was a good conversation. But this time around...I still feel so much more sensitive.
I hope I can keep it together. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks...I hope I don't burst this weekend.
Last week's episode with "Colleen and Camille" left me very distraught for a couple of days. It brought a lot of feelings up and out again. Today I'll see Colleen. I'm hoping to God that I'm not stuck to any post too long with her. I don't want to listen about her hard life in her big house with weekend trips to NYC. I don't want her to tell me things anymore. In fact...I never really wanted her to tell me things at all. For some reason people just do.
I suppose I should go get ready for work.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Gossip is evil

It's a rainy Sunday morning. Our apartment is a mess, and I kind of feel like not doing anything about it. But there is a nagging part of me that does want to do something about it. I always feel that once the week starts, I'll not do any kind of picking up or cleaning. Especially since we are going away towards the end of the week. We are going down to the in-law's for Thanksgiving. We are leaving on Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I don't think we've been down there since Christmas. I can't believe that much time has gone by since we've last been there. We were supposed to go down back in August for a family reunion. But, that was the weekend of my second miscarriage. Boy, I'm glad we didn't go down there then.
So...obviously, I have not been writing much. Not much has been going on. Up until the other day, I hadn't been pissed about too much. So...I suppose that may be why I haven't been writing. I find that I'm here more when I have something to say...and that's usually when I'm pissed off about something.
Something did happen the other day. I'm still bothered, but I've cooled off for now. The anger may surge again. I found out on Thursday that one of my co-workers had lunch with a former co-worker on Wednesday. I found out that on this lunch, words were spoken about me and my "condition". At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then immediately after that I said, "Oh...that's okay." Then a few hours after that...I realized that was extremely pissed for various reasons.
Let me set up the scene a little. Let me describe (if I can) the two women doing the talking. Colleen (I'm using fake names) is a forty-something divorcee with two teenaged daughters. She was divorced a few years ago (I'm not sure exactly) and seems to be having a pretty hard time with it still...though I think she tries to play of that she doesn't. She lives in a big old beautiful house in a very nice part of town. I'm guessing this is something she got in the divorce. When she was married, she was a stay at home mother. I don't know this for sure...but I think this may be the first job she's had in a while. It doesn't appear that she needs to work at the museum. I think she just does for something to do. She only works 2-3 days a week, and while she's there she seems bored or bothered. She'd definitely rather be somewhere else. Though she divorced a wealthy man, I think she also came from some money too. I realize this from time to time when we talk. I don't feel any sort of connection to her. We actually talk quite frequently and I've even given her some details about my miscarriages (as far as doctor appointments, etc). I've thought she was someone good to talk to about medical things. For the most part, I really like Colleen. But I am often realize that we come from two totally different worlds. She once called me a "reverse snob" because I was cranky one day about this obnoxious woman flaunting her wealth (it happens a lot at the museum...it's sickening) trying to get into a sold out exhibit. I wouldn't give it to the woman. It was sold out long before she got there and I did not find it fair to give in to her just because she apparently has money (and I say this because she really was trying to use her money has a factor for her to get into the exhibit). Anyway...after this woman left, she complained to the director of the museum and it got back to our staff. Apparently, the director agreed to give this woman a personalized tour of the exhibit the next time she was in town. I'm sorry, but this makes me sick. I'm quite sure that the director wouldn't do that for someone who didn't flaunt their wealth. Anyway...Colleen called me a reverse snob because I thought that that was wrong. She said she wasn't serious...but it pissed me off nonetheless and it's something I haven't forgetten.

The other woman (actually I think of her as a girl because she's about five years younger than me), we'll call Camille, is someone who hasn't worked at the museum for quite a while...maybe about 10 months or so. When she worked at the museum, I never actually worked with her. I was in a different department. But we hung out a few times with another girl (who is a good friend) and Camille and I know a lot of mutual people. She went and graduated from the same college that me and my husband went to. We were mostly acquaintances. After she left the museum, we actually ran into each other more because she started hanging out with a pretty good friend of ours. So, we see Camille more now. Camille is nice girl...but I wouldn't quite trust her with too much. She has some major insecurity problems. She's very tall, she has a model's body and come to find out, she's actually done some modeling lately. She's really into fashion. She's someone to hang out with at a party, but that's kind of it. She's a bit surfacy. Mostly, I like Camille...but I wouldn't tell her too much about my life.
But...I don't need to because apparently Colleen did.
On Thursday, I was at work chatting with Colleen. She said that she'd seen Camille the day before when they had lunch together. First of all...I must just say that I find it strange that Camille and Colleen would hang out together anyway. I don't know what in the world they would have to talk about (I guess I was one of the subjects). I think they may talk about fashion. I think Colleen's sister works down in NYC as a designer for one of the bigger places, Kate Spade or something. Anyway...they are having lunch and I guess my name came up. Camille told Colleen that she'd seen me last Friday night (we did see each other briefly at a very loud bar. We kind of talked a little, but it was strange cause I didn't have much to say to her plus I couldn't really hear). Camille told Colleen that that I seemed "off" (Camille doesn't really know me, I should stress again...so she wouldn't really know if I seemed off). Colleen decided to take it upon herself and fill Camille on my miscarriages. She said that Camille was very sad and upset for me and my husband. After she told me this, she quickly said that she hoped I didn't mind that she told Camille.
While she told me this...I think I was kind of in shock. I couldn't believe that Colleen was sharing this with Camille. But then I thought that if Camille was still working at the museum then she would have known anyway.
A few hours after I had the conversation with Colleen, I started to get angry. It dawned on me, first, that she had absolutely no business talking about me to Camille. I realized that I came up because she probably had nothing to talk about with her so my situation was good gossip for them. Secondly, it pissed me off because I realized/remembered that Camille knows a lot of mutual people that me and my husband know. People that we either have not told about the miscarriages for reasons or people that have no business knowing about them. I know people talk. I know it happens because I've definitely been guilty of gossip myself. The only people that know about our second miscarriage are people at work (because I was out for a week and a half) and our families. Not even our closest friends know. And with our first miscarriage, only our very closest friends knew (besides people at work...again because I was out for so long) about it.
Friday morning, I felt sick about it. When I went to work, I was so upset. Fortunately, Colleen wasn't there. I don't know if I would have said something or not. I'm still thinking that maybe I should say something to her. But what do I say? What good would it do? She can't take it back. I don't want to contact Camille. I would hope she wouldn't talk...but I know that's asking for the impossible. It's something I don't need the world to know. I don't need old friends to know that I might not be able to have kids. It's nobody's goddamn business.
And...I think what pisses me off the most is that the gossip came out of two people that are so fucking depressing - a wealthy divorcee who has nothing better to do than hang out with a girl that starves herself and can't hold a job. I realize that's harsh...but it's what I feel. Couldn't they have just kept there discussion to handbags and jewelry? Did they really have to talk about me and my husband's private problems? I just have to remember that they are more miserable than I am/can be. I am happily married to a beautiful man...yeah...we are going through some rough times...but we've got each other. We've got more than most people. Maybe that's the story for some. We are happily married, but we've had to suffer through something horrible.
Anyway...that's the latest in the saga of Mu. I'll try to start writing some more again.