mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Lil' bit annoyed

I don't know why I do it. I suppose I might have a secret wanting of torturing myself.
I just watched about five minutes of "A Baby Story" or something to that effect on TLC. Anyway, I tuned in to the time when the woman is giving birth and crying because it hurts. I'm sure it does. She seems like she wants to give up, her doctors are almost yelling at her to keep pushing. As soon as the baby is out, she talks about how relieved that "it" is out. It. She knows it's a girl. She then goes on to complain about how she's been pregnant or breast-feeding for the last 3 years. She's relieved to not be pregnant and to be able to start exercising to lose weight.
That really pisses me off.

I'm sounding bitter, I know. Allow me.

I hope to God that when I have the chance to have a successful pregnancy, that I won't complain for a second. I will be so overjoyed to have the opportunity.
Listening to people like that makes my stomach turn.

Thinking out loud...this post is pretty boring

Yup...it's me. I'm not sure about this new change, but I'll try it out for a little while. I wish they had more/better choices for templates. Oh well.
Yay...it's Saturday! I love Saturdays.
Hubby is still in bed. I woke up, wide awake, at about twenty to eight. I don't know if it was because of my stomach feeling a little funky or if it was because my cat was all over me, cuddling. I tried to stay in bed a little longer, but I couldn't do it. I tried to be cuddly with Star but he was too sleepy and was almost begging that I get up to make coffee (aka...leave him alone). He's can be greedy about his sleep. I suppose all of us are like that though.
Last night was severely uneventful. We had left over pasta and sauce from the night before and watched a movie on the IFC. After that, I soon fell asleep on the couch. I feel so guilty when I do that (especially) on Friday night. I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
Anyway, between falling asleep early last night and having the cat all over me this morning, I couldn't get back to sleep. Especially when for some reason I started to think about money. I don't know why I always seem to start fretting about money when I wake up first thing in the morning...but that's what I did this morning. I was thinking about how me and Star are going to get away for a weekend up in Montreal in about 3 weeks. Right now, our hotel room for two nights is already paid for. We will drive up so we'll need gas money and we will also need money for eating (obviously). I don't know why I was stressing about it this morning...but I was.
Well...this is a pretty boring post...sorry to waste your time if you happened upon this.

Friday, October 15, 2004

I need to keep my mouth shut

So, last night I spent some time on my blog. I actually spent about 40 minutes writing a detailed entry of my day of on Wednesday. As I was about to spell check the thing, the whole post disappeared! I just about lost it. How annoying?!
Anyway...the very abridged version of Wednesday was that I had a good day, overall. It started off a little rough with an obnoxious visit to the salon. The lady that did my brow waxing was a psycho would brought out a pencil and started to color in my eyebrows. After that, I got a little sick on the T (the subway here in Boston). But once I found my friend N, we had a great visit in Harvard Square and then I managed to talk her into coming back to our apartment to have a belated birthday dinner (her birthday was over a month ago). I did ene up blabbing something I wish I didn't. N was talking about the guy she is seeing that is driving her a little crazy. They never see each other (because of work, school, etc) and they don't get to really talk about things that she would like to talk about. She was worrying about some deep, dark secret or something. Unfortunately, I found out a couple of weeks ago about a friend of a friend who actually used to see this guy. I use the word "see" loosely, as apparently all they ever did was make-out. I told N about it. I didn't tell her every detail that I found out about, but I told her that these two people used to know each other and had some brief thing. Why did I do that?! I really wish I hadn't. I guess I thought I was helping N out at the time. She handled it all really well, and she was glad that I told her. She actually told me that. But, I still feel shitty about it. I wish I never said a word. I hate spreading gossip.
Anyway...besides that, I did have a good day. It was good to spend a day in the city with a girlfriend. It was exactly what I needed.
Meanwhile, work is okay. Yesterday was kind of a strange day. It seemed that my manager and asst. manager weren't really getting along too well. They were kind of bickering in a playful way (maybe) but it kind of sounded a little real. (I'm blabbing again...though you guys don't count right...because you don't know these people?) My manager confided (maybe) in me that her asst. didn't really seem to motivated by his job anymore. He's only been doing the job since June. Before my first miscarriage, I was seriously considering that position (asst. manager) until I saw the qualifications and the only one that I didn't have was a bachelor's degree. My husband and N (she used to work at the same museum) kept telling me that I should apply anyway. Then, my miscarriage happened and I didn't really care about it all. But...now knowing that this guy is kind of disgruntled...plus he is thinking about grad school, etc...it's getting my mind going because I think if I applied for the job, I think there's a pretty good chance of me getting it this time. I actually have experience as an asst. manager. I used to be one for two different coffee shops that I worked at with a sum of roughly three years experience. Plus...the manager likes me...she's actually told me that I was one of her favorites (I know that sounds really unprofessional, but this was during my second miscarriage, she'd call to check up on me and gave me as much time as I needed to heal before I wanted to come back to work). Anyway...I need not to think this way. If I took a job like that...it would probably mean an infringement on my weekends and holidays again (something I hated about being at Starbucks), but then...I would be getting more money...and my job is only down the street.
It could be a possibility.
So...today should be interesting. I wonder if they will be bickering again.
Well...off to getting ready for work...hopefully I won't delete this post again.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just spent 40 minutes writing a post. I was just about to spell-check it when...
IT DISAPPEARED!
So...I'm not going to rewrite it.
I'm so annoyed.
Basically, I was talking about yesterday.
It was good.
That's all I have energy for right now.
I'm pissed.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Update...

Maybe I'm just excited, you know, looking forward to the day. Sometimes that happens. I can't tell the difference between anxiety and excitement. Does that sound strange? Yes, sometimes I can get all paranoid about the worst possible scenarios. I do that very easily.
Anyway...I'm now looking forward to my "big day in the city". Can you tell I don't get out much these days? Really, I don't.

I'm just hoping that this bleeding eases some through the day. The last thing I need is to be leaking while I'm walking all over town. Of course this all comes at the worst possible time.

Alright...I'm gonna go.

Feeling fretful

Well...today is my much anticipated day off. YAY!!! Yes I know, I just had the weekend off. But there's just something about having a weekday off when you usually work a Monday-Friday, 9-5 job. So...today is the day.
But (there's always a "but"), there's a problem. I couldn't sleep very well last night. Me and Star went to bed at around 10:30 last night. We chatted for a little while once we were in bed. He was conked out at 11:00 and I was still awake at 12:00. I definitely woke up a few times throughout the night. And then this morning...I'm wide awake at 5:30 (17 minutes ago)! Damn it! What's my problem? (Oh yeah...no chance of going back to sleep and sleeping in...I made a 9:00 brow waxing appointment.)
Last night I was thinking too much. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking about, but my mind wouldn't stop. Plus I was feeling mildly crampy. Again, this morning...I'm still feeling a little bit crampy and my mind won't stop.
I suppose I may be feeling a little fretful today.
I'm going into the Cambridge/Somerville area today to see my friend N. Suddenly I'm feeling anxiety about all kinds of stupid things...like...finding parking at the T stop, riding on the T, getting home at a good hour...etc. Anxiety is kicking in and not letting me enjoy my weekday off. I hate this. What gets me the most is that the route I'm taking to get into the city today, is the route that I used to take to work for two years back when I worked in Cambridge (5 years ago). There's no need (AT ALL) for me to be anxious about anything. There's a part of me that feels like I can turn it off, but then there's a part that still seems to hang out in there. Honestly, I'm afraid that if I didn't actually have plans to meet someone, I would not go in.

Yeah...so maybe I should still be looking for a therapist.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Pimples and blood

At the current moment I have the most outrageous breakout on my chin and chest. When I say "outrageous", I don't mean it in a good way. It's disgusting and makes me want to avoid the mirror when I go into the bathroom. Also...(sorry for the gory details) I'm bleeding, and I don't really think it's my period. Honestly...I have no idea what my period is anymore. I haven't had one since July and the one before that was May. Clearly, my hormones are out of whack. All of this (pimples and blood) just reminds me that I couldn't carry a pregnancy about seven weeks ago.
So...I'm kind of having a sad day.
Remember last week when I was feeling almost patient and kind of okay about things? The feeling is gone today. I'm not sure exactly when it all started. It might of started with the pimples and blood. But, also this morning...I saw this family with the most adorable three-year old and a tiny (guessing) newborn. The baby was in one of those little thingies that people wear around their chest that cradles the baby right against them (I always said that I'd want one of those when we have a baby). As the mother was walking away, I caught a glimpse of the little sleepy face...and it just made me sad. It makes me wonder if I (we) will ever get to experience that.
These feelings sometimes creep up on me at strange times. For instance, on Sunday night, Star was away for a couple of hours and I was watching "Sex in the City". It was the episode where Miranda realizes she's in love with Steve still and goes over to Carrie's apartment to talk to her. So...this is a little strange...but I got almost teary-eyed when Miranda walked into the apartment and handed her kid over to Carrie to hold. Watching Sarah Jessica Parker (not the most motherly person...I know she has a kid...but she doesn't really strike me as much motherly... anyway) hold and bounce the baby, made me a little sad because I was wondering if I will ever get the opportunity to hold a baby like that. I have never held a baby like that, never. I never much babysat when I was in high school (I didn't like other people's kids) and never babysat children that young. Later on the same night, me and Star were watching some silly show on HBO called "Family Bonds". They showed a character on that show after she just saw that she had a positive pregnancy test...and I cried a little. I definitely shedded a few tears watching some stupid reality show on HBO. And I didn't cry because I was happy or whatever...it was because I was remembering and realizing that the next time I have a positive pregnancy test...I will not be able to be that happy. I will be scared shitless. I will feel like I can't be excited for a while. I won't be innocent about the whole procedure. I'll be waiting to see blood and feel cramps. Every little symptom or non-symptom will throw me into a panic.
Some days are harder than others...I guess.
I just can't imagine that me and my husband, who are so, so, so in love with each other, might not be able to have a baby. We might not be able to have a product (not to sound so technical) of our love for each other. What hurts me the most is that Star will be the best father. The most perfect father. I never even knew how much I wanted children until I saw him with children. It's not fair to him that these miscarriages have happened. I can't imagine Star without children. He's father-like already.

I'm having a good cry now. I haven't had one in a while (a week or so). Thanks for listening.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Holiday Monday

Today was a strange day. Everyone in the world seemed to have it off except for me and my co-workers. As I've mentioned before, I work in a museum and it happens to be in a very touristy town (especially in October). So...today was crazy. It felt like everyone and their grandmother decided to come visit the museum today. I feel very glad to finally be home.
Work wasn't all that bad. It'd be a little better if I could stand one of my co-workers. It's the new guy. He's so freakin' annoying. He's the kind of guy who has an answer or comment for everything. He's done everything, he's been everywhere, he knows everything. It gets to be a bit too much after a while. I think he might be able to tell that I don't think he's all that witty are smart. I don't laugh at his jokes and I try not to make eye contact when I can get away with it.
I'm not usually mean.
Well...me and hubby are off to do some desperately needed grocery shopping. Whenever we go shopping, I get inspired to eat better...for about two days. It doesn't last long. It's helpful when Star goes with me (for many reasons) because he also wants to eat better. We try to help each other out.
Off I go.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Sunday night already?!?!?!?!?!?!

How the hell did this happen so fast?
It's Sunday night!
I did almost absolutely nothing this weekend. I mean, yeah...it was sort of my plan and all. But, I just can't believe that the end of the weekend is here. And what makes it all worse is that for almost everyone else around here, it's a three day weekend. Not for me. Nope. I'm working tomorrow. Yeah...I shouldn't complain because I am getting Wednesday off. That is my day off in place of the holiday. Wednesday will be good because no one else will have it off.
Anyway...I have done nothing this weekend. Friday night we went to my sister's apartment for a delicious dinner. I pigged out. She is the most wonderful cook I know. She made a turkey pot pie with a thyme-cranberry crust. And for dessert, bread pudding. Yum! After dinner we came back to our apartment (she lives a block away) to watch the presidential debate.
Yesterday...I slept in until around 10:30 and watched TV. That was about it.
Today...I slept in until around 11:00, watched TV, and got my husband to take me on a really nice ride. We went to the beach, collected shells, and then stopped on the way home to pick up some stuff for dinner. Today was perfect, actually. I'm just kind of bummed out that tomorrow is the beginning of the work week.
Oh yeah...and I've been eating a lot. I don't know what my deal is. I feel like it's possible that I've gained a couple of pounds this weekend. I wish I could blame it on being PMS-ish...but I don't think that's the problem yet.
Meanwhile, I think my cold is just about over. My head feels better, there's almost no snot, and I'm less achy. I do still have a wicked cough once in a while, but that's kind of normal for me after I'm done with a cold. I'm glad that this is almost over.
So...as you can see...it's been a pretty uneventful weekend. I'm content with it though (even if it sounds like I'm complaining). Life has been too much lately. It's kind of a relief to have a break.
I need to do some sit-ups or something.