mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Fresh start

I just realized that I haven't been writing too much this week. I suppose I have a couple of excuses. The main one being that I've been sick. I don't know what the hell it is that I have. It started on Monday and has slowly gotten worse. Thursday and Friday were probably the worst days. Today (so far) I feel a little better. But then, I'm not at work. Being able to stay home when you are sick helps out a whole lot. My plans for today are to do absolutely nothing. I'm going to stay in my pajamas and let my husband do things for me.
Good news! I did not have to get a D&C. I went for bloodwork early yesterday morning before I went into work. I was shocked by how quickly everything went. I think I definitely got in before everyone else did. As I was walking out to my car, I noticed that there was a line at the registration desk. Whew! Anyway, I got right in and had a very sweet Russian woman named Lyudmila take my blood. She seemed almost excited to talk to me because my first name is also Russian. We talked about Russian names, etc while she took my blood and didn't hurt me at all. As I left the hospital, I felt hopeful...like I was really leaving for a little while. And I also had the idea that it'd be cool to name our daughters with Russian first names. Maybe we could have Russian first names with flower middle names. Anyway, I was also surprised to find myself thinking positively about children's names without feeling sick about it.
Immediately after my bloodwork I went to work and actually kind of forgot about the fact that I was waiting for pretty important results. At about 1 pm, I went to look at my cell phone and saw that I did indeed have a message from the doctor's office. I listened to the message from the nurse telling me that the results were good and where they wanted to see them and that they just wanted me to call back because the doctor had a question for me.
Yippee!
So, I called back and the nurse was very excited and said that doctor was relieved. Doc wanted to know what I wanted to do about birth control. I asked the nurse to send some literature from their office. I kind of feel torn. I was on the pill for three years up until about a year and a half ago. When I first was put on it, I experienced some pretty bad mood swings and depression. So, they changed my pill and for a while all was good until my periods started doing strange things. Every fourth month my period would come early and last for about two weeks. After about a year of that, I decided (with prompting from my husband and switching of pills from my old doctor) to go off the pill. I was happy with my decision because I felt different in a couple of ways. I felt like I was less cranky and bitchy. My sex drive was up more than it had been. And I was just content with knowing that I wasn't putting extra hormones into my body. It felt more natural.
I'm still thinking that I don't want to go back on the pill. But I know that I definitely need to do something. We can't afford/handle to accidently get pregnant again. We need to be intentional now.
So...that's what's going on now.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Yay...Hump-day

I'm beat.
I just got home from work about a half hour ago. I usually get out of work at around 5pm, but tonight we had our monthly staff meeting. It's kind of a joke, but I do get paid for it. Tonight it was really difficult to get through because I'm not feeling so well at the moment. Remember earlier in the week, I mentioned the hangover with a linger? Well, the linger seems to be something real. It's either allergies or a cold of some sort. I don't know which is worse. I never had allergies my whole life until about two years ago. And so far, I haven't had Fall allergies. But...there's always a first and this may be it. I'm in the stage of a super sniffly nose and itchy throat. This is all complimented with swollen glands and pressure on my sinuses. Ugh. Meanwhile, I really don't feel like I could call out (it hasn't gotten to that point yet) from work because I've already had too many sick days these last couple of months. Fortunately, my manager is really great. She's been so good to me during these last few months with all of my miscarriage drama. She's actually told me that I'm one of her favorites. I feel a little guilty about that, but it's kind of handy too.
Anyway...I'm a little exhausted.

Thank you Christine and Crista again for your comments on my post. Right now I'm just thinking about taking a breather (when my nose isn't stuffed) with all of this stuff. I definitely will go for that 21 day cycle test, whenever that may be. And in the meanwhile, get good and serious about taking care of myself. I'm not a healthy person, honestly. I don't eat well. I drink more than I should. I don't exercise. I don't take my vitamins. I don't drink enough water. There are so many little things that I should be doing for myself, anyway, that I'm not doing. I feel like I should get into the habit of these things before I go ahead with all sorts of testings. I feel like I need to be honest with myself and body before I go to a doctor, asking for a specialist, to get these things done. I guess that's where I'm at. Right now, this day.
But it could change tomorrow.

Today I saw the most beautiful baby at the museum. She was amazing. She had to be the fastest crawler I've ever seen. And even cuter was seeing the way her father (I assume) was with her. For a second, I could feel myself getting a little teary-eyed if I'd let it happen. But yesterday, I also saw a lady with a small, little Chinese girl that was obviously hers and adopted. And the pride and love you could see in the mother's eyes were just as apparent (if not more) as it was with the father and the little crawler. That's what I (we) do want some day. And I think I do trust that it will happen some day. Yes, I very much want to experience motherhood through pregnancy and birthing. But, I also want to experience it any way I can. Even if it means adopting.
I say this now and I really mean it. But, Friday when I'm waiting for the results on my blood test I know I'll be feeling a little more sensitive on the subject.
Right now I'm just going to try to let things be as they are. I can't really do too much at the moment. Just wait...and think positive thoughts.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

The big day has come and gone (Part II)

Sorry about making that a cliff-hanger...cause this isn't really an exciting story.

Okay, where was I?

So...I get back into the waiting room after emptying my tank a little and they call me almost immediately to the u/s. I still felt a little embarrassed...but also a little bit relieved. I apologized to the u/s technician (?...I'll call her that). She was real cool about it. I suppose it happens often to her. Right? She asked if I'd had an u/s before. I told her that I believe she was the one that gave one to me back in May and that she was the first to discover that I have a tipped uterus. She tells me that she'll try to do this part of the u/s quickly so that I can use the bathroom. So, I get on my back, unbuckle my jeans, and get that cold jelly stuff rubbed on to my belly. Almost immediately she informs me that my bladder is really full. She couldn't believe that I had peed already and promised not push too hard. After that section of the u/s and using the bathroom...I had the privilge (sarcastic tone) of getting the transvaginal part of the u/s. Ick, ick, ick!!! I hate it. I know, no one likes it. But...I'd actually rather have a pap smear. During this procedure, she asked if I'd been bleeding. I replied with a "no...not in over a week and a half or so." Then she told me that it appeared that I had a cyst of little size on my right ovary and there seemed to be some fluid around appearing that it might have ruptured recently. I replied that I did have some slight pain on that side a little while ago. She assured me that the cyst was normal and I wasn't too concerned anyway because I know that my mother often gets cysts.
After the u/s, I got to go back out to the waiting room with my husband. Almost immediately again, they called me back in for the rest of my appointment with my doc. The nurse that led me to the exam room was super chatty. I don't remember her from my other visits to the office. She was very friendly and I think I figured out that she liked me because her niece has the same name and also has dark hair and eyes. I got to strip down to my t-shirt and sit on the table for a few minutes with the very light paper towel/sheet and wait for about five minutes before my doc came in. The wait wasn't too bad...I've definitely waited a lot longer with other doctors.
So...when doc came in she seemed excited to see me. Seriously...excited. I've never had a reaction from a doctor like this. But then I figured out that maybe after all of the calls, etc I've received from her nurse and office...I kind of felt like a celebrity or something. Immediately she wanted to talk about my wacky hcg results. She did tell me that she's seen a number go up before. But unfortunately, she didn't know why this happened. The good news is that the number went from 18 to 8 (that number was taken on Friday). The bad news is that I have to go once again to the lab on Friday morning to get another test done. That afternoon, I have to call back to find out the results of the test. If the count has not gone down to 2 or lower, I'm going to have to have a D&C on Saturday morning. Needless to say, I'm not too excited about that possibility. I was already scared of having a D&C, but I got even more nervous when doc referred to it has an operation. The most work I've ever had done in my life was when I had my wisdom teeth removed about 3 years ago. She did reassure me that if this comes to that, it won't take long and I shouldn't have more than minor cramping since whatever is still in there is probably quite small. Anyway...I'm trying not to focus on that possibility. If the number has fallen 10 points in the last week...it can fall another 6 in a week, right? I'm trying to think positive thoughts here.
After the D&C conversation, we talked about some testings to do. I did explain to her that these last two pregnancies were unplanned. I told her that we very, very much want children but not necessarily right away. We aren't in a hurry to be pregnant now, but we do want to know what the problem is (if there is one) now so that we can plan accordingly. With that in mind, she told me that we could do a progesterone test on the 21 day of my next cycle. (I'm sure anyone reading this understands what this is/means better than I do.) She went ahead and gave me the lab paperwork right away on that so I could go in whenever I needed to (21st day). The next thing we will do after that is some sort of x-ray where they put dye in my uterus to see if there are any blocks, holes, etc. Again...I didn't really catch the name on that one. Besides these things, were are going to keep track of my cycles and take it from there. She did say that usually they get into more of the testing after three miscarriages. Though that isn't a reassuring thing since I hope to hell I don't get to experience another. It was reassuring, however, to know that everything as far as the ultrasound and pelvic exam was normal.
So...that was pretty much it. Anyone have any of these things done?
I wasn't expecting any concrete answers. I wasn't disappointed or upset by anything. I do feel good knowing that I told doc exactly where me and Star are as far as having children. We desperately want children, but (honestly) not at the exact moment. Though...we would have been more than estactic if I had stayed pregnant. Our pregnancies weren't planned and they were so close to each other. Maybe those things are the reasons why I miscarried. Hopefully the next time I'm pregnant it will be planned and I will have been preparing my body for it. And it will stick. I'm trying to start now with preparing my body. This might mean a whole new life in some ways. I'm ready for it.

Oh...so many thoughts.
That's it for now.

The big day has come and gone (Part I)

Yesterday sucked.
It sucked before I went to my doctor's appointment. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had a hangover yesterday morning. I get very mad at myself when I have a hangover. I know that I'd been fine if I had not had that last drink. But, it was a good friend's birthday and two of my best friends had just moved away...so I had another.
Wrong move.
It also sucks to have a hangover on something that you tried for the first time and really liked. Now I will think about it a whole lot more before I have a cucumber martini (made with Hendrick's gin) ever again.
Besides the hangover...I also seem to slowly be getting sick. For me, that always makes the hangover that much worse. Because besides the hangover, new symptoms are showing up and you can't tell if it's the hangover or something else. Everything seems to linger. I appear to be getting sick now.

Okay...the doctor's appointment.
I got out of work at 3:30, got home at 3:35 (I live very close to my work). I changed very quickly and rushed myself and my husband out the door. The traffic getting into the next town was ridiculous and meanwhile...I had to pee. Yes, because of the ultrasound. Every bump, every stop, every slam on the brake...I thought a little bit of pee was going to come out.
We finally get to the office and I jump out of the car so that my husband can deal with the parking. We got to the office 5 minutes prior to 4:00. Of course, there was paperwork, etc. And then the words, "Take a seat." At this time my husband came in to the waiting room. We sat down and I could not stop shaking. After about 10 minutes, I had to talk to someone about when the damn ultrasound was going to take place because I was about to have an accident in the waiting room. (Oh yes...and of course the waiting room was full of pregnant women and children...I was prepared for that but I don't know about my husband. He was the one stuck in waiting in there for over an hour.) So, I approached the part of the desk that the rest of waiting room couldn't see and said to the receptionist, "I'm sorry, I feel really embarrassed asking this...but when is my ultrasound? I had tons of water and about to burst. I'm just wondering...I'm sorry." The receptionist smiled (warmly) and said she would go ask the lady doing the ultrasounds. At that point, I could hear her asking someone (that was awkward) and they said about 5 minutes but if I really needed to go that I could go a little bit and save some. Knowing what 5 minutes means in a doctor's office, I decided I couldn't wait and went on in to the bathroom. At that point, I kind of didn't care if I emptied out my whole bladder, it hurt so much...but I did save a little, or so I thought.
I went back in to the waiting room and took a seat next to my husband who was looking kind of confused. 3 minutes later, they called me in.

I'm realizing I'm running out of time...I need to get ready for work. I'll finish this little story later tonight. Til' then.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Wish it were some time tomorrow night

Oh boy.
Today has been a rough one. I've been weepy on and off since about 10:30 this morning. Saying goodbye to B and S was even harder than I'd already been planning on it to be.
We got to their apartment around 9:30. They were still putzin' around doing who-knows-what. There was still a little bit to put into their U-Haul. They had the most unorganized moving experience I've ever been witness to. I found myself hurriedly putting things into the U-Haul because I kind of wanted to get all of done and over with. Towards the end...it was time to find their kitties to put into the vehicle. One of the cats could not be found. So there were seven of us wandering throughout the empty apartment, the apartment buildings hallways and basement, and even looking around outside in the yard (the cat is an indoor cat). I finally found the cat in the bedroom under a comforter. I saved the day. Putting the cat into the car was when I started to get weepy. Suddenly it was all feeling real. I think I held in my weepiness until the end when I gave S a hug. All at once, I just couldn't hold it in. I started bawling while I was holding S. I couldn't believe myself but I couldn't help it either. Then I started laughing at the same time because I felt incredibly embarrassed. I've never cried in front of anyone else before (of course, except for my husband, sister, and parents...they don't count though). It was all so strange.
So...I've been missing them or I should say, I'm really missing S. I know that this move is very difficult for her and I feel like no one really realizes this. Except for her husband, I hope. She's a very quiet, shy, and lonely person. We got on real well. We are similar in many ways and this is just so hard. I think this is the first time I've really felt like I've lost a friend.
And then another thing that I just couldn't get out of my head is that I haven't been really open with S lately. She still doesn't know about my second miscarriage. And even the first one, she found out about way after it happened. It's not her fault at all. It's all been because I've been too uptight about talking about it. But I think I've decided (with the help of Star's advice) to write S a letter in a little while to let her know about how stuff has gone down lately. I feel like that might explain a lot of why me and Star have been kind of MIA with a lot of life lately.
So...the day has been rough.
And soon, we are off to celebrate a friend's birthday with drinks at a fancy bar. This friend (J) I haven't seen since July. And at that time I told her about my first miscarriage. I shouldn't have done it in the setting at the time when I did it. It's strange, I haven't seen her since then...and so much has happened. I don't think anything will be awkward because J is the kind of friend that I can just pick up with her at anytime. But...since I've been so sad and sentimental...I don't know how the night will go.
I suppose I should go do something with my hair. It looks like a greasy mess. Ick.

Saturday night

Yesterday was interesting.
I took the business of making and hosting dinner last night, very seriously. I probably spent about two and a half hours preparing and finishing dinner. And that doesn't count the six hours that the ribs were in the crock pot. I also spent some time cleaning and fixing up the apartment, making it presentable. I guess you could say that between our best friends moving and my big appointment tomorrow...I was trying to channel my negative energy into good.
It was a frustrating day though. When I finally got over to B and S's apartment at around 3 pm, the place was confusing. No one really seemed to be moving stuff. S's cousin and boyfriend were there. And B's brother was also there. S was on the phone with a vet and everyone else was just hanging out drinking beers. Turns out that S decided that she had to save a stray cat before she leaves, and now that job has become me and Star's responsibility. I'm not quite sure I know how that happened.
After about three hours of dilly-dallying I decided to go back to my apartment so that I could get dinner finished. Finally, everyone except for B showed up. Dinner was ready at any moment...but B wasn't answering his phone. Turns out that he had a drink or something with an old co-worker. This was very maddening for S and I also felt a little pissed as I've been working my ass off making a nice dinner and B was out for drinks with some person that wore really bad perfume (and lots of it).
Finally...we had dinner. (Oh yeah...one more thing...the cousin's boyfriend...he was drunk. That's always fun to have a nice dinner when someone is drunk and you are waiting for them to throw up right there at the table.) I guess overall it turned out well, though I could feel tension and stress. But for once it wasn't my tension or stress so I could handle it a little better.
We are going to head over there soon to say our final goodbyes. I'm kind of not looking forward to it because I hate saying goodbye (like everyone) and the cousin and boyfriend will be there. I feel a little awkward with them. Especially the cousin. She's kind of young and a little annoying but she is S's family so...I can't really say anything about it. I wish me and Star had been able to have B and S to ourselves.
Off I go...