mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, October 02, 2004

About last night

Last night was more fun than I anticipated. I did let myself relax. And I did have a good time. It took a little while getting into.
There's a lot I could write about the night...but it'd probably be boring. I did get pissy when someone feigned like they didn't know who I was after we've met about four or five times now. But this is someone that I don't trust all that much anyway and she's kind of in the position of helping out my husband's music career at the moment (she got them the show).
I did get my drink on. :) That was really the only way that I was going to loosen up.
All in all, it was a very good night for my husband. His band sounded amazing. I was actually impressed. I feel like that's a hard thing for me because I get to listen to his practice tapes (almost all of the time) and etc.
Today is a sad day as we are helping B and S with packing. I hate packing with a passion. It may be one of my top 5 least favorite things in the whole world. This is a horrible thing to say, but I'm kind of hoping I can get out of it in some way, a little way. I am going to have them over for dinner tonight along with S's cousin and her boyfriend. It will be a little farewell dinner.
So...that's what I'm off to today.
I hope the sun comes out.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Friday night blues

Feeling a little sad right now. I just got back from the blood lab about an hour ago. For the last week I'd been thinking that I was okay. But just before I took off for the hospital...all of the sadness came rushing back with a fury. It's strange. I think the staff at the hospital recognizes me now. The woman who registered me has done it now a couple times or more in the last month. And then the woman who actually drew my blood definitely made mention of which arm she used last time. I've only had her once before and that was over two weeks ago, the night that they just fit me in. She seems sweet and I'm already hoping that the next time I go in, I get her.
I'm trying (though not very hard) to get myself going for tonight. In about an hour we head over to the bar where my husband will be playing. I'm not into it tonight. I feel incredibly lonely and like a stick in the mud. I'm not in the mood to hang out with almost every body we know. Star is expecting co-workers, I'm expecting co-workers, our friends will be there...etc. And I'm in no mind to hang out. And I feel selfish about it. Tonight is Star's night. To top that off he has concerns about his father's health.
I just wish it were next weekend already.
I wanna climb into bed. Or get a glass of wine and lounge on the couch all night.
Oh well.

TGIF...for real this time

Feeling good because it's Friday. Feeling good because Kerry, I firmly believe, whooped Bush's ass (hope I'm not offending anybody). Feeling good because my husband, as always, made a very delicious pot of coffee.
Feeling a little uncomfortable because I might be getting a cold. I woke up initially feeling like I had a sore throat and also feeling in my funny in my head (like a sinus thing). I'm trying to ignore the sick feeling. Feeling a little uncomfortable about going into work. Yesterday was a icky day. I'm blaming it on the full moon. I did get a very, very good compliment from my boss. She liked a schedule that I made for Tuesday so much that she gave another girl (the one that I can't stand) a copy of it to copy for her schedule today. I think annoying girl (I'll call her AG) was a little annoyed. Meanwhile, minutes after the compliment...I realized that I royally screwed up. Have I mentioned this before? I work in a museum, in the guest services department. I have recently (in the last 2 weeks) become a supervisor after getting a promotion from the coatroom. I spent 8 months in the coatroom because I can be insanely patient some days. Anyway...I'm new to my position in many ways. But I'm doing okay...and some days doing better than my co-worker (AG) who's been doing the job longer than me. Getting back to the royal mess that I made. When putting the tickets into the computer yesterday morning, I misread times and ended up selling tickets to a special exhibit when there was to be a private group going in. Fortunately, this private group wasn't any group that was super, super important to the museum. Thank goodness for that. But still, this was all bad news because now it meant that 50 people were going to be in an exhibit that can only safely hold 25. ACK! It all turned out. No one (or so they said) was upset with me. Actually, my boss took
responsibility for not checking up on my work (I am still new on this). And the private group didn't even notice. They were a bunch of retirement people from NH that were ready to go home anyway by that time.
After all that, I had a little bit of a run in with AG. As I have mentioned before, she's very slow and is a weasel. Any opportunity she gets, to not be on the floor, she takes. Anyway...I was the supervisor yesterday, therefore, I was in charge. After she was done with a project (surprisingly 20 minutes earlier because she used my schedule which made her job easier), she thought she was going to just hang out, get something to eat, relax. The thing is, is that I needed her to get back out on the floor. So, I kindly asked her if she could. Then it all got weird. She didn't like that I wanted her to go back out to the floor because she wanted to get something in to eat (mind you, she's already had a 45 minute lunch break and a 15 minute break).
Long story short, it was awkward. I ended up apologizing. I always seem to apologize when things get awkward because I want a quick fix. But the thing is, I never said anything wrong. I told her that I wasn't meaning to be pushy or to step on her toes. I was just trying to get the day to run smoother because we really needed her on the floor. She seemed okay with that. But I'm not sure if she really got it. She's a little thick.
Today might be awkward. I have a feeling she'll stick me in the coatroom for a good part of the day. Because that's what she does with me. I don't know if it's on purpose. I secretly think it is, but then I don't know if she's that vengeful. I'm not sure.
I'm not used to having conflicts with co-workers. Yes, I think nasty things about them (i.e. this blog), but I try to keep it under wraps.
Oh well, I'll bring in my new New Yorker and hope that I don't get stuck with new guy too much. Oh yeah...I think that kid is creepy now. I won't get into that now.

Anyway...tonight is Star's big show. He's excited and I've got some co-workers coming out for the show. And then tomorrow, I think we help our friends pack up their U-Haul.
And another thing inbetween...I get to go back to the lab this afternoon...haven't been there in over a week...kind of felt like I've been on vacation, it's been nice.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Not too much to report

Yesterday was a pretty average day. Nothing too much happening, I guess. Except for that we found out that my father-in-law has pneumonia. Pneumonia is never good but it is especially nerve-wracking with my FIL because he's had some pretty terrible health problems in the last year. Last August he was in a horrible car accident that came very close to killing him. After being in a chemically induced coma for 3 weeks and spending a couple of months in the hospital and rehab, he's doing amazingly well. He's truly a miracle man. He's been back to work and his "regular" life since April now. But hearing that he now has pneumonia is a little scary. He isn't in the hospital or anything like that, so I feel that we are fortunate for that.
Last night we spent some time with our friends that are moving to Montana. I think I mentioned before that I feel a bit shitty because I've barely seen them in the last week or so and now they are off to the road on Sunday. I guess they've been busy. I mean, I know they've been busy...packing and having family visit before they leave. Anyway...it was a bit sad walking into their apartment last night and seeing a lot of their things packed up and away. S (the girl) is really not into the whole moving thing. I asked her if she was feeling a tiny bit excited at all. She said a flat no. I'm sure her husband knows that she's not happy with the move. But...I guess I just feel like both of them should be comfortable with the decision. I suppose I've been spoiled by my husband. Everything we do is a joint decision. I guess I don't completely understand their move if one of them is unhappy with it.
Strange dreams last night. I don't really remember them exactly. But one thing I definitely do remember is a huge ass spider. I suppose I've just been remembering real life in my dreams. On our back porch a couple of days ago, there were two enormous spider webs with huge, fat spiders sitting in the middle of them. Star got rid of the webs for me (we both felt a bit guilty for that) because they were attached to plants that I'll be bringing back inside when it gets too cold. And also, right next to the computer, there is another (dead) spider smushed to the wall. It's kind of gross and I don't know why Star didn't actually clean it up. Anyway...I'm sure that a spider represents something in a dream. I'll have to look it up.
I'm getting closer to my doctor's appointment. Tomorrow afternoon I go for the blood tests. Then on Monday...the big day. I'm already getting a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about it. I really don't know what to expect. More blood, pelvic exams, talking? I'm sure a mixture of all. I'm most nervous that I won't explain myself well enough. Also, I want Star to be there with me...I don't know if they will be too keen on that.
Oh well...
Hey...by the way...anyone having a problem getting to my blog? I had a problem...maybe it's just me.


Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Venting update

Remember earlier when I was venting about this annoying new guy that started at my workplace? Guess what? I'm not the only one that is bothered by that kid! Maybe this is wrong, but knowing that makes me feel a little better. At work, I think I actually come across to my co-workers as very easy-going and "sweet". I do work very hard and take my job seriously (as hard as that can be some days). And I think that comes across to my co-workers. So...when I feel critical or annoyed by a co-worker...I get an overwhelming sense of guilt. I get upset with myself for feeling so critical.
Anyway...it was good to know that I'm not the only one. So far, three other women have shown that they are not too fond of this guy.
This should all be interesting.
I work at an interesting place. Some day I'll describe it to you all.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Good night

I just spent a very good last four and a half hours.
I had drinks with a woman I work with. It was very refreshing. I'm not used to just going out with people after work. But this women invited me...we had a stressful day at work. At first I was hesitant. I actually said no. But then I changed my mind and we ended up spending four hours at the pub talking and drinking. It was so good. Though we are in very different places, we have an awful lot of similarities. She's about six years older than me, but she's been married for the same amount of time to a man that sounds a lot like my husband. She doesn't have kids and at the time doesn't want children. She actually has a pretty terrible health problem with her lungs. I don't know the details. But...you can tell she's probably had some pretty tough times but she's an amazing woman and we really click. I feel like I've made a new friend and it makes me feel happy...as cheesy as that may sound. It was good to get to really talk to someone that you don't usually get to.
I had a good night. I feel really glad for that.

Only Tuesday. I was really thinking it was Friday when I first woke up this morning. Aw shucks!

I woke up with a slight hangover headache this morning. I don't really understand it. I did have a glass of wine last night, yes. But really, I have had much more to drink in the past and haven't ended up with a headache in the morning.
Hubby had band rehearsal last night. He's very excited because they are playing a show on Friday night. He's been waiting for weeks for this. I'm looking forward to this for him. Though I kind of wish the show was at a different location and at a different time. This coming weekend will be slightly of stressful. Our closest couple friends (the ones that were married two and a half weeks ago) are moving to Montana sometime early next week. I feel like shit because I haven't spoken to either one of them in over a week. I feel like good quality time is flying by. And if I were more with it, I'd offer to help them pack and stuff. (Note to self, give them a call tonight while hubby is at band rehearsal tonight.)
Meanwhile, there is the other stuff on my mind. The lab visit, ultrasound, and doctor's office. I've not really let myself think about in the last four days or so, my attempt at patience. Though, I did do yet another pee test (in order to not let myself feel too guilty about the glass of wine) last night. I figured that if I was at 18 last Tuesday and that if I were really truly pregnant, the pink line would be more visible now. The pink line was no where in sight.
It's a weird thing. I don't want to be pregnant right now, but only because I know that it would not be such a good thing right now. It would/could end in another miscarriage. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little sad to see that the test was "not pregnant". When I talked to the nurse last week, I did get a little bit excited (if I could use that word). But I knew that from that number (18) that that was not a good thing.
Anyway, though I haven't really talked about these things in the last few posts, I have been thinking of them. Next Monday still seems very far away. I feel like I should be studying up or something for the appointment. I'd like to go in there with some good questions. But I don't really know what to ask. My worst fear of the appointment is that I won't really be given the opportunity to ask questions. Though, I do think my doctor is better than that. After my first miscarriage, she was very sweet and concerned for me.

For those few of you out there reading my posts, I do have a question for you. Have any of you thought of or gone through some sort of psychological counseling or therapy?
After my second miscarriage, my husband gently brought it up and suggested it. I've thought of it a lot. I know that if I found the right person, it would be a good thing. But it also scares the shit out of me. I know I definitely would never want to be put on any medicines, so that right there is out of the question. But even just the talking part seems like a little too much for me. Besides the miscarriages, I know that I could possibly benefit from therapy in other ways. I have some major anxiety problems at times. And I think I might have possibly experienced depression before the miscarriages too. I guess I'm torn up about it for a couple of reasons. First, I'm very anxious (there's that word again) about going to a stranger to talk about my problems. I'm a shy person to begin with and also, with the exception of this blog, I don't talk about myself. Secondly, I kind of feel like therapy for me would be selfish or vain. Most days I don't feel like I have a problem at all. But then other days (like a couple of days last week), I can't see anything good. Everything is horrible and I just want to stay in bed all day. And thirdly, I'm not very good at communicating things in talking with people (I think). I would be afraid that I wouldn't say enough to a therapist.
Anyway...that's something I'm thinking of talking to my OB/gyn about it. If she could suggest a therapist. Though, I don't think I should see someone that would just specialize in women who've suffered through miscarriages, etc. Because, honestly, I had some problems before (anxiety, slight depression).

Monday, September 27, 2004

Venting session

I've just got to say...I work with a real idiot.
It's amazing to me at times.
Also, this idiot is purely selfish. A co-worker of mine once said this about the idiot co-worker. At the time I thought that was pretty harsh. But now, I know where this is coming from.
Also...I have to listen to this girl (the idiot) eat. I can not stand the sound of someone who eats with a lot of noise. It makes me want to puke. This is what this girl does. I actually try to schedule my time around her so that I don't have to be in the same small room listening to her eat. Another thing...she eats other people's food from the fridge!?!?!?!
UGH.
Now...to top things off...we have a new employee that is already starting at my nerves.
(What's wrong with me?)
This guy seems to think he's the shit.
But...he smells bad. (Oh yeah...idiot girl also smells horribly bad. I don't think she realizes that she has a major BO problem.) He's also a name dropper.
I hate that shit.
Already...I'll stop now. I had to do this here because I feel bad saying this stuff to my husband all of the time. He puts up with my complaints way too much.


I survived

I survived the weekend. I made it through. It wasn't quite as bad as I was preparing for. At some points it was difficult to have a good attitude, but I did manage somehow.
Friday night was enjoyable. I came home after work and just before me and Star were about to go out for dinner, my sister came around with a bouquet of roses and a nice card. I had talked to her on Thursday night and looking back, I think I was on the verge of tears. So, she was thinking of me and wanted to do something nice for me. We (me and Star) insisted that she come out to dinner for us. She finally agreed and then later we went computer window-shopping for her.
Late Friday night, our houseguests showed up (R and B). We stayed up for a bit and then finally went to bed. Saturday morning we all puttered around the house and then left for NH/Vermont at around 3 pm. I was looking forward to going to Vermont, but I wasn't quite up for our company.
To shorten the description of the weekend, the concert on Saturday night was utterly unbelievably amazing. I was feeling annoyed and slightly uncomfortable before the show. But once the music (Richie Havens) started, that all fell to the side. We stayed at the house of parents of a friend's friend. The house was huge with the most spectacular view. The foliage is starting and will probably be at it's peak in about a week or so. I think I would of enjoyed myself more if we'd been with different people. I wasn't comfortable. I couldn't let myself relax. I really wanted to because we were in a place that I really enjoy...but I think it was the company.
Anyway...we got home around 5 yesterday evening. The weekend went by too quickly. I am now completely obsessed with Vermont and farmer's markets. I was looking at a real estate magazine and couldn't believe my eyes. A home with 3 bedrooms on 22 acres of land was going for 95,000 dollars. Around here (North of Boston), we'd be lucky to find a 2 bedroom condo with no parking for $180,000. Something is wrong with this picture.
I do love living in the city. A month ago I would never have thought of even wanting to visit the country. I think it's a mixture of things. Our closest friends are all moving away. We realize that we can barely keep afloat in the economy around here. And...I suppose I'm feeling like I'm nesting though I can't seem to stay pregnant. Maybe if we could manage a home to settle down in, maybe we could stay pregnant.
I think I just want a change.
Of course, in a month I'll be thinking differently again.