mu's world

nothingness

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Help please...

I kind of have a question...
When I read other women's blogs, I sometimes have a difficult time understand their abbreviations. Could I have a hand...if anyone has the time or energy? What are the basic ones that are used regularly on the sorts of blogs that I usually read (miscarriage/infertile/etc)?
If anyone has some key abbreviations, I'd really appreciate it.
I feel a little embarrassed that I've been up on blogging for a month now, but some things I still don't get.


Friday, September 24, 2004

Wait and see

Thank you Christine and Crista for the encouraging words and good vibes.
Yesterday was a rough day, starting out. I had a extremely rough night before. I was having a "why me/poor me" fit. Why can't this be over? Why did I have two miscarriages? Will we ever have a baby? Why does everything have to be so hard? And then this thinking eventually gets to What am I going to do with my life? Why does it seem like everything I want is so hard to get (i.e. finishing school, etc)? Why me? Then after throwing this pity party for myself, I feel stupid and immature. I tell myself to buck up. And hopefully I will until the next issue occurs.
Yesterday afternoon I was seriously considering calling my doctor's office and seeing about getting some more blood drawn. I wanted to know if the quant numbers were going up. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that I'm just going to wait and see until next Friday. I don't think I need/want to know right now if my numbers go up and then down. I'd like to give myself a break from the hospital and blood lab. I have to go next Friday anyway. Probably not too much will change. And if anything does, there is nothing I can do anyway.
I'm also attempting to talk myself into believing that there had to be some sort of mix-up or mistake in the reading. (Which doesn't make me feel too much better knowing that a lab could do something like that to my blood...but mistakes do happen.) I'm going to try to relax...for once.
This weekend is going to be trying. The two guys I talked about earlier (R and B) will be staying with us tonight (and tonight only). I can handle a night. They will probably get here late anyway. Tomorrow is going to be a little stressful because we kind of have two major conflicting plans. I'm going to go along with whatever Star decides to do. I feel like I've spent too much time alone in the last week and I just want to be near him.
Originally our plan was to go to a one-year old baby's birthday party down in Boston. But then R and B came around with tickets to see Ritchie Havens (one of Star's heroes...up there with Bob Dylan) up in New Hampshire or Vermont (somewhere 3 hours away). It's a tough choice. Go to a baby's birthday party or go to a concert far away from home with R and B. Ugh. Half of me wants to go to neither. Half of me wants to go to both. And Star is pretty torn too. He keeps saying that he wants to go away this weekend, escape the weekend. That would be my first choice. The two of us need to get away.
I don't think we've decided yet. I'm letting him make the decision. The baby's birthday party is kind of a complicated thing. This baby is the daughter of Star's mentor, his high school English teacher. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Star is also a high school English teacher. This man really influenced Star's life. Sadly, this man died in a terrible car accident about 18 months ago out in Utah. At the time, he and his wife lived in Montana and he was on a trip making his way towards home. Shortly after the accident, his wife discovered that she was pregnant. It's an unbelievable situation. The wife ended up moving back to the Boston area before she gave birth and she's been here since. We haven't yet seen the baby, though we would really like to. But, though Star hasn't admitted to this, it could possibly be an awkward situation considering the last three months we've endured, not to mention the sadness behind this baby's life.
After the first miscarriage we were invited to a baby's birthday party for one of Star's first friends from college. Star hadn't seen this friend in quite a while. Up until the day before, we were going to go until I kind of freaked out because I just wasn't up for be at baby's birthday party. What's more, is that I'd never met his friend before. I can be very anxious about meeting new people...and with the combination of a baby's party...it was just too much for me to handle. But if we went tomorrow...I feel like it would be different. I wouldn't let my selfish thoughts get in the way (or so I hope) and I'd want to be strong for Star. Because I think this party would be harder for him.
Anyway...I don't know what's going to happen this weekend. I'm attempting to go with the flow and try not to get my feathers all ruffled. (Sorry about the dumb cliches.)
Try is the key word here.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Fall...no new leaves, just dead ones falling to the ground

Fall is here. Finally. I'm ready for a new season. Or so I thought I was until yesterday.
Tuesday night, when I was walking towards the blood lab in the hospital, I was thinking about about how the next day was going to be first day of Fall and maybe life could start over again. I was hoping that going towards the lab in that way would be the last for a little while. This last Summer was so shitty. It started off the wrong way.
But I guess things won't work out that way. Yesterday's conversation with the call nurse has again reopened feelings, frustrations, and worries. Saturday when I was thinking (hoping) that I had started my period, I was feeling a better in a small way. I was feeling like things were moving on again.
No such luck.
I'm angry again. I'm exhausted. And I've felt on the verge of tears all morning.
I'd just like to sleep all day.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Experiment

I don't know exactly why I just did this...but I did.
I did a little experiment. Since I have extra home pregnancy tests laying around, I decided to try one out to see what 18 hcg looks like on one of those things.
The results...the pink line was very, barely there. I feel like this is kind of a good thing to know.
The brand was Accu-clear. It's what I've used for the last three months or so. I can usually find them at Target for $6.99 a box (two in a box).
Anyway...I know that I just wasted a pregnancy test. I know it didn't tell me anything. I do feel slightly reassured to see that the pink line was that bright or pink. Though I do really want to see that line...I know there is no way in hell that I'd be ready for that right now.
Meanwhile...I still don't feel right about drinking a glass of wine.
And that's kind of really what I want right now.

Is it at all possible to get a break?

Okay.
I think I got over feeling guilty about the private tantrum I threw towards my husband last night. I've got a new thing to think/stress about now.
I saw on my little break this morning that my doctor's office left a message on my cell phone at around 10:30. I noticed that was a little odd. Usually they don't seem to get back to me this quickly. I listened to the message from the call nurse and she told me to give her a call back. This is also odd. Usually if the numbers are going down on their own, she just tells me what to do next on the message. So, I called on my lunch break. After spending about 15 minutes on hold, I finally got through to the call nurse (the nice one). She sounded kind of funny, almost like she was perplexed or something. She informed me that my number went up to 18. WHAT?!?!?
My number went from 14 (last week) to 18 (last night)! How might this happen?
I don't want to get crazy about this because it's only gone up four numbers. But still...it's gone up. I don't understand this. I'm flabbergasted.
I don't ever talk about my sex life (excuse me Star if you are reading this), but...we've only had sex two times in the last four weeks since all of this has happened. We've actually been practicing abstinence. And yes, we were using protection those two times. So...I can't be pregnant again. Right?
I don't know what to say, I don't know what to think.
Anyway...I'm due back to the blood lab next Friday (the 1st) . Then on Monday, right before I have my pre-scheduled appointment with my doc, they are going to give me an ultrasound in an attempt to see if there's anything to look at.
Has anyone heard of anything like this before?
Maybe there was a mix up or something at the lab?
I can't wait for a whole week for some half answers.
I'm exhausted.

Post from a cranky, selfish bitch

I'm the bitch. That's how I feel this morning, or more so...that's how I felt last night.
For some reason or another, I don't do well with unplanned houseguests. Especially those that I don't really want staying with us all that much in the first place.
First of all, our apartment is kind of small. It might not appear to be at first glance. It's a two bedroom with a full living room and kitchen. The bedrooms are at opposite sides of the apartment. We use the the back "bedroom" as an office. We actually call it the "catch-all" because that what it does...it catches all that we can't seem to fit or want in other rooms of our place. One of the main problems of our apt. is that there isn't really any privacy. Not that I need that when I'm here alone with my husband. But, if we ever have houseguests...I'd like a little privacy. There are only two doors in the whole place. One for the bathroom and one for the back catch-all. Our bedroom is at the end of a hallway (maybe 10 feet) which is off of the livingroom. Not having a door on our bedroom can be a bit of a problem at times. Especially when there are visitors.
So...the first problem is the space in our apartment.
The second problem is that for some reason when we have people staying with us, I feel like I always need to be "on". I want the place to be clean. The bathroom should be sparkling with clean towels. The floors freshly vacuumed. The kitty litter all swept up. I like to have a neat place for people. I'd also like to have a stocked fridge and cupboards. I do want to have a comfy place for visitors. I'm a bit of a control freak from time to time. And if I don't have the chance to get these things done (because, honestly, it is more for myself) , I am not comfortable.
The next issue that I have is that I'm not completely myself these days (as you may know if you've been reading my posts). And having guests who don't have a clue as to what's been going on in our lives as of late...it's just too tiring for me. I can only keep up appearances for so long. When someone asks, "Oh, how are you? How have you been doing?", I can't just reply with, "Oh um, me and Star have been through hell and shit for the last three months. I've had another miscarriage and I'm deathly afraid that we won't be able to have children." People don't know how to take to that. A couple of weeks after our first miscarriage when we were trying to be honest and up-front with people, I told an good friend about it after I hadn't seen her for a while. I shouldn't have done it. Though she told me she was sorry and I know she meant it, I think I shocked the shit out of her and I haven't heard from her since. That was about two months ago. People we know can't deal with it. We were the first of our friends to get married. And now we are first of our friends to deal with pregnancies, etc. I understand why they can't understand.
And finally the fourth problem/issue I have is with the houseguest (possibly houseguest(s) ) , while he is a very sweet, very kind boy...I don't completely trust him these days. About a month ago, he (I'll call him "R") came up with another guy (I'll call him "B"). B used to be best friends with Star. They were great buddies before I ever came into the picture. Shortly after me and Star got serious, B also got serious with a girl who lived a little ways away. And then shortly after me and Star were engaged, B proposed to the girl that lived far away. She ended up moving up here. For a while things were good. Me and Star had another engaged couple to hang out with. We both got cats that were related to each other. All was good. But then things between B and the girl that once lived far away, things for them got bad. They eventually broke up, then got back together, then broke up again, and then started to talk again. And who really knows what they really do because B is a liar. He lies a lot. He's also an alcoholic and bi-polar/manic. For a while when B was with the girl, he seemed good. He appeared to be happy. But after they broke up, he took a very bad turn for the worse which also included being an asshole to my husband. Very possibly, being an asshole was probably just a reaction to what he was going through. He was breaking up with his fiancee and Star was newly married. I can understand how that would be hard. But me and Star always opened our home to him (back then I wouldn't be so protective of my home and personal life) and he didn't seem too much to appreciate it.
To sum it up (this post is getting a bit long and probably boring to you if you are still reading...I just need to vent), B's true colors have come through. He's an asshole who's done some really stupid stuff. And though part of me wants to feel sorry for him because I do understand that he has psych problems...there's another part of me that gets livid to have to watch and hear about the things that he gets away with all on the account of people excusing him because he's had a hard life. The truth of the matter is, is that he's a sneaky, lucky bastard who's gotten away with some really bad shit that he could get into some trouble for. And to top it off...he uses my husband. That's really what bothers me the most. Star has been a faithful friend to B. Much more than B deserves. And also my husband excuses B too.
Getting back to last night. R (the other friend) showed up at my workplace yesterday afternoon asking for a favor. He wanted to to take a shower at our apartment. I didn't feel comfortable with him going to our apt. by himself (because my cats would probably attempt to escape and I trust no one except for myself and my husband with them). So, I told him that I could meet him after work and he could take a shower then. Of course I forgot about my blood work that I needed to get done and then just decided that I would do it today, instead. I ended up calling my husband to let him in on what was going on. Star was very insistent that I get my blood work done last night. He called R and told him to come later. So that was what was done.
I got pissed when at about 9:00 last night my husband whispers that R was going to stay with us. Both Star and myself have a huge problem with saying no. I started to get mad at my husband. But then I realized that I was mad at R because we were being put into the position where we couldn't say no. I went to bed early because I was annoyed beyond belief. Star soon came to bed. He could tell I was pissed. He was tired and feeling guilty about the situation. I couldn't control my pissiness and anger. And then I felt like I couldn't even talk to Star about it because R would probably be able to hear it because we don't have a damn door on our bedroom.
I really like R. He's a nice guy. He's kind of like a little brother. He's about five years younger than me. He's sweet. He always brings a bottle of wine when he comes to visit. He's a good guy. But...he's been living with B lately. And R also has some sort of bi-polar issue (I think half of everybody I know these days do have some mental issues...probably myself included) that I never really noticed before until his visit with B about a month ago. After their last visit, me and Star agreed that we saw the "darker side" of R. That's why I don't feel so comfortable with him anymore.
Another thing that bothers me, when these guys visit we seem to drink SO much more. There's also the possibility that B will want or have some pot. I hate having people smoking in my home. As I said to my husband last night, we are not 20 year olds anymore. Star has a career, I have a full-time job. We are grown-ups now, dealing with grown-up issues. I don't have the patience for alcoholic, pot-smoking bi-polar twins in my home.

So...that's why I'm a cranky selfish bitch. Thank you for allowing me to bitch. If you read all of this...you're a trooper. I was just needing to vent.

And by the way...R never stayed last night. Star found a letter from him this morning saying that he had "ants in his pants". Either he felt that I was not too pleased, or he was bored. We watched television all night and went to bed at 10. We aren't too exciting anymore.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

More gripes and inane thoughts

If it wasn't bad enough that I have to drive by the "Birth Center" every time I head towards the blood lab (it's in the same complex area as the hospital), I usually have to see numerous pregnant women. And to top that off...I see other fellow patients that make me invent stories for them. Like the second week after my miscarriage. Me and Star were in the waiting room of the lab...and sure enough there was a very happy and anxious looking couple sitting across from us. The women kept smiling at her husband (I'm assuming) and he kept smiling back. I imagined that they probably took some home pregnancy test and were in to get the official blood results. Today when I was at the hospital, as soon as I sat in the waiting area to be registered, I heard a man (carrying a huge, colorful bag) ask where the maternity ward was. Then later when I was actually in the waiting room of the lab, I saw this younger girl (probably 23 or something). She was all decked out in some disgusting pastel pink, skin-tight jean number with terrible high heels. She was waiting to get her blood done and all I could figure was that she's probably pregnant and doesn't want it. I don't know why on earth I would think that thought, but I did. And besides that I hated what she was wearing (I'm terrible!), I was starting to hate her because I was imagining that she was pregnant. My mind gets too imaginative at times.
Ugh.
Then at other times (and these times are more often), I get really excited and teary-eyed when I see other pregnant women. I know it's a mixture of a jealous thing and of a not understanding why I can't seem to stay pregnant. I know that many women who've suffered through miscarriages have gone through similar feelings and thoughts. Some days it's easier to handle than others. Especially on the days when I've got to deal with the reminders.

P.S...Thanks Christine for your words. I should find out the results tomorrow or the day after at the latest.

I hate Tuesdays

Ick...Tuesday. For the last four? or five? Tuesdays in a row (yes, I've lost count), I've had to make a visit to the blood lab at the local hospital. It's not so much the needle that bothers me. The sight of my own blood doesn't freak me out. And even the slightly rude, manly looking woman that always seems to be there on Tuesday evenings doesn't bother me the most. It's the very clear reminder every week that I had a miscarriage.
Since we've come back from Vermont, I feel a little stronger. A little more positive. But Tuesday nights are very hard. I do usually tear up a little on the way home. Tonight will be strange because I'll be going by myself. My husband has a meeting after work and I want to get this done and over with. Star (my name for him on this blog) is so good to/for me. He's been there for every blood taking, every drive to the doctor's office, for every cry. I think it's sometimes easy to forget about the men in these situations. I suppose because it all happens in our bodies, the focus is on the woman and how she feels.
Anyway...I'm hoping for a break for next week. I know that on the 4th when I go to visit my OB/gyn, I'll be having more blood taken...but it will be a little different. They will be looking for some answers. And hopefully getting some.

As for work yesterday...all turned out well. I haven't had a supervisor sort of job in a while so it felt a little strange. But, at the end of the day, I had a couple of compliments from my co-workers. That always feels good.
Off to work now.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Only noon

Boy...you can sure get a lot done when you are out of bed before six in the morning on a Sunday. I've done three loads of laundry, started a chili in the crock pot, made my husband (and myself, of course) a fabulous omelette with a side of turkey bacon (that stuff takes a long time to cook if you want it extra crispy), got almost every last dead-head off of my flower boxes, started the process of cleaning up the explosion (no, not a real one) in our bedroom, and talked to my sister over the phone. Now I'm on a second blog for the day and I'm then I'm soon off to the mall for some errands. I've done more work this morning in the last six hours than I've done in the last four weeks!
I guess I'm starting to feel a little bit more like myself.
Good.
Tomorrow is the beginning of a new stress in my life. Yes, I stress a lot. Anxiety is a very easy second nature for me.
Somehow in the midst of dealing with the past shitty three months, I've managed to get a promotion and a half. Five weeks ago, I was asked to become a "lead" at my place of employment. A week after I was asked, I experienced my second miscarriage. About a week and a half after I went back to work, I slowly began training for this position. It's not a rough job by any means. Basically, I'm responsible for the cash handling and any issues that arise with guests. But, it is something new and it is a responsibility...and yes...I'm a little nervous about going into work tomorrow. Especially since we will be extremely short staffed.
I need to relax. I need to not get myself going. I need to handle myself well. I feel like I'll have an audience. I will...my co-workers.
Ugh.

Trip to CT

It's 6:30 on a Sunday morning and I am up (and have been for 45 minutes) making coffee and settling into the computer. I should be in bed, next to hubby, enjoying the last morning to sleep in for another five days. And strangely, I am up earlier than I usually would be if I did have to be up for work. I'm blaming my darned cats. One of them was on me all night long. And the other kept knocking things over. For some reason I always seem to forget, until I see their empty bowls, that these heavy-pawed hints mean that they want food. Ugh. Oh well, I'm up now. I can take a nap later in the day.
So, we managed to get down to see the folks yesterday. We braved the heavy rains to drive the the two hours West to see my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunt, and cousins. I wasn't really up for the journey, originally. But, I have this terrible guilt complex that often kicks in, especially when it comes to family. My grandparents were visiting from Florida and I haven't seen them for two years. And though this is a morbid thought, I do always seem to think that I'll never know when I'll see them again. They are getting up there in age and I've only made it down to Florida once. I had to see them if they were in the Northeast somewhere.
The trip was probably one of the shortest we've ever taken. We left here around 11:00 and didn't get over there (North-central CT) until around 1:30. We first stopped over to my parents house. We went out for a quick lunch, and then went over to my aunt and uncles (where everyone was staying) to visit with my grandparents, my great uncle, and his two daughters (my father's cousins). We were maybe in CT for a whole five hours.
Anyway, it was good to see my grandparents. They are now 80 and 81. My grandfather definitely seems like he's aged since I last saw him, though his strange sense of humor is still there. It makes me sad. I wish I knew my grandparents better. They are very prim and proper. They are from a very, very conservative background and time. And to top it off, they aren't really much of talkers.
After I had my first miscarriage, my grandmother sent me a letter that was probably the most personal I'd ever seen from her. She wrote that she and my grandfather were thinking, praying, and crying for me. And though I'd already knew this (thanks to my mother who is a blabber), she told me about the two miscarriages and stillborn she had before having her three sons. She even admitted (like I said...she doesn't usually get too personal) that after fifty-some-odd years, she still cries for those babies. Her letter meant an awful lot to me as it was the first that someone who'd been through a miscarriage had reached out to me. And that it was my prim and proper grandmother that did the reaching out, it just meant so much more in so many ways.
We didn't get to talk too much. We just a couple of good, long, and tight hugs (my grandmother's hugs have probably been my favorites). And after the first hug, we took a step back from each other and looked at each other. I felt like we were saying something to each other that was wordless. There was a new connection.
On the way home from the short trip, my husband commented on my grandmother noting that she seemed like she wanted to take me away to a room and talk. I felt the same way. I wanted to talk to her, but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment. Immediately after the second miscarriage, I asked my parents not to tell anybody, including my grandparents. As I said earlier, my mother is a blabber and blurter of sorts, but I have a feeling that my grandmother might know. Right now, I guess I don't mind if she knows. I suppose I rather want protect her (and my grandfather) from that. I'm the first grandchild and I do want to so badly provide my grandparents with their first great-grandchild. I feel like that sounds silly. I wish I could redo the last fifteen years and pursue being closer to my grandparents.

A couple of strange things happened with my body yesterday. After we had eaten out with my family, I almost immediately felt sick. Wanting to throw up and poop (sorry) at the same time. It was a really intense feeling for about two minutes. I don't know if it was something actual or just something up with my nerves. Then when we got back to MA, I discovered some brown staining and spotting. At first I was happy thinking that I had started my period (strange to be happy to see your period, I know), but then it occurred to me...could this be the final passing of my miscarriage? From four weeks ago? Anybody have some educated guesses?