mu's world

nothingness

Friday, September 17, 2004

Thank you

Thank you, thank you to Christina and Crista for noticing me and my post. I was absolutely shocked a few minutes ago when I went to check in on my blog and discovered that people replied to something I said. Thank you for your words. As soon I figure out how to work this thing (blog) better, I will write each of you. I'm not too swift with the computer at times. Your words already have been an encouragement. I'm excited to have made contact with two women who've had very similar situations.
Thank you again...you've made my day.

Getting there

I finally heard from my doctor's office yesterday afternoon. The nice nurse left me a message to say that my quant number has gone down to 14. I guess that's good because she sounded kind of happy about it. On Tuesday I get to go to the blood lab at the hospital yet again. Is this normal? I'm so confused as to what is normal and what is not in concerning a miscarriage. I hear that some women get D&C's right away. I feel fortunate to not having to go through that, so far.
I get to see my Doctor on October 4th. I'm looking forward to that and dreading that at the same time. I want to have answers, I want to know about some tricks or something. But I do know that there is a very good chance that there is nothing that she can tell me. One moment I feel okay about that, but then I don't. I'm not sure if I can handle another miscarriage. And especially if when the next time I'm pregnant, we'd actually planned it.
It's all frustrating and tiring. I over analyze everything. I make promises to myself. I'm going to eat right. I'm going to try to lose 20 pounds. I'm only going to drink on special occasions. I'm going to take my vitamins every day. Maybe I'll take warbles. I have all of these plans that I want to do to better myself because I want to try to get pregnant again in six months. But, I'm lazy and I'm a procrastinator. And to top it off...I still have some sort of pregnancy hormones in me and until I actually get my period next...I'm not really feeling like I can move on yet.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

No news, good news?

Tuesday night I just barely made it in to get my blood work done at the lab. The nurse (who is very sweet) at my Doctor's office told me that the lab is open 24 hours and that I can go at any time. So, after a party/meeting after work, I ended up at the lab at exactly 8:05 p.m. Apparently the lab does close to people coming in to get lab work done at 8:00. I checked in at the ER to see about the lab. I didn't know what was going on. The girl at registration was giving me a slightly hard time. I just kept telling her that I had no idea and that my doctor's office told me that I could come in at any time. She went to the lab to, in her words, "beg" to let me in for the work. I was ready to go home and come back in the morning when she came back and told me that they would squeeze me in. She acted like she did me a huge favor. She probably did. But I wasn't begging. I was in no hurry to get more blood taken. I've had enough.
Yesterday at lunch, I attempted to call my doctor's office about the results. After being on hold for five minutes, I hung up and decided to let them contact me. I'm in no hurry to find out whatever the news is. At least not today. When they call, they call.
Meanwhile...I'm feeling quite shitty about the prospects of going to visit my parents and grandparents this weekend (Saturday to be exact). I'm not up for it. I'm really, really not up for it. I'm probably going to go down with my sister. My husband has given word that he would do work for someone on Saturday. I can't handle my family without him. At least not during these times. My sister promises to keep it a short visit because she doesn't really want to go down there either. I feel like a horrible daughter and granddaughter, not wanting to visit my own family. I'll get to all of that some day.
Maybe we can get out of it somehow.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Back from fantasy world

We're back after spending an amazingly lovely weekend in the country and wilderness of Vermont. Ilovermont! I do, I do. I think we could spend some time there, some day. I'm a little surprised by how quickly I took to the emptiness of it all.
We arrived there late Friday night. We ended up spending three nights at a huge house with about 4-6 (depending on the night) people. The house was an old painting retreat of some man who was painting back in the late 40's. On Saturday, I took part in a beautiful, weepy bridal shower at a ritzy golf course club house in Manchester, VT. Sunday evening was the actual wedding. The wedding took place on some common land of a couple of different farmers. It was a beautiful meadow surrounded by the foothills of the Green Mountains.
It was all so perfect.
And...it was all pretty relaxing for me. I finally felt relaxed this weekend. For the first time in about three weeks. I was able to, not quite forget, but to think beyond the shit that me and my husband have been dealing with lately. All of our close friends at the wedding knew about our first miscarriage. Nobody knows about the second one. The one that has been the hardest. And the celebration of our best friends' wedding was not the time to share this news.
The wedding ceremony itself was very short and simple. Something that was good, because I might not have been able to handle anything else, emotionally.
I did hear from my doctor's office earlier in the day on Friday about my quant number. Between Tuesday and Thursday it had gone down a couple of more tenths. Unfortunately, I have to go back to the lab tonight to get some more blood drawn. I think that after this trip to the lab, they will be making some sort of decision on the next step. I did ask the nurse about a D&C and she seemed to think that they would consider some sort of shot instead. I'd never heard of this before, but I think I'd rather take a shot than the other option.
So...I'm hoping that this is soon over.
Meanwhile...after a beautiful three day weekend in the country, I'm back in the city going to work.
I miss Vermont.