mu's world

nothingness

Friday, September 10, 2004

Waiting

Yesterday I received some news that I'm not too sure on how to take. On the last blood test I had (Tuesday), my quant number was something around 22.9. It only went down a couple of tenths since last week. So, last night I had to go back to the frickin' blood lab once again. And now...I'm waiting.
I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't want to wait for anything. I want this to be over, behind us. And of course, this all has miserable timing. Tonight we are leaving on weekend to Vermont to be witness to our best friend's wedding. I discovered two weeks ago that a wedding is a difficult thing to go to when you've just gone through your second miscarriage in three months. I was sure two days ago that I'd be fine...but now with these lab results everything is fresh again.
And then...there is this silly hope that I find myself thinking about in the corner of my brain. I know that it is most likely impossible...but I keep wanting and hoping that I could still be pregnant. I haven't wanted to admit that to myself. But like a fool, I've been hoping for a miracle. I don't deserve one though. I've been cursing God out too much lately.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

I'll stop beating around the bush

Okay. Here it is. This is the reason why I am here. This is the reason why I've stumbled upon the world of blogging.

Within the last three months, I've had two miscarriages.

I am 27 (soon to be 28), I've been married 3 years, I have really no direction in my life (as far as a career and such), and I very much want to have children. The funny thing to me is that I never realized how badly I wanted children until about a year and a half ago. And of course now that I've had these miscarriages, I desperately want children and I feel like I want them now.
Both of these pregnancies were unplanned. With the first one, I didn't even know I was pregnant until about two weeks after I started miscarrying. I thought I was having an unusually long period. I took a pregnancy test just to get that possibility out of the way. I didn't really think that it was possible. I took home tests that showed me that I was pregnant. I was a bit shocked, but happy. Happy until I realized that something probably wasn't right if I'd been bleeding for two weeks. So, almost immediately after taking that second test, my husband drove me to the ER. It was my first time ever being a patient in the ER. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. (I'll get into it later some day.)
So, I had a miscarriage without even realizing I was pregnant. It was a horrible, horrible feeling. I took a week off from work, I cried a lot, I sat around in a daze. I went back to work and attempted to act normal although it was always on my mind. Me and my husband (though mostly me) made the decision to be honest with our close friends and family and my co-workers (we are kind of a tight group, meaning everyone talks about and to each other) about the situation we were going through. We weren't seeking sympathy. We just weren't up for lying to cover our tracks. It was easier to be truthful. I was just waiting for time to pass, and eventually it did. Though it was on my mind, almost always, I was able to push it aside. We were able to get on with our daily lives. We were even able to believe what everyone would say to us...it's common to miscarry a first pregnancy, there's nothing wrong with you, you'll have as many children as you want, I miscarried my first and then I went on to have children soon after.

Things were starting to get back to normal.

Then on August 17th, I woke up in the morning and immediately went to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I was only two days late. But I had a feeling this time. I had a gut feeling. My gut proved to be true and sure enough...another positive pregnancy test. I don't know if it was because I was still sleepy or in shock, but I just calmly took the stick in to my sleeping husband and told him that there was something I had to show him. He almost immediately came to (which is rare for him in the morning) and I showed him the test. I was trying to be neutral about the whole situation. Even though I was excited (and a little scared) to see those two pink lines, I was more nervous with remembering the shit we had just endured almost exactly two months prior. I think my husband was even more excited than me, but was also trying to me matter-of-fact about the whole situation also. We got up, made coffee, and watched the Today Show without saying too much. After deciding that I would take another test when I was home for my lunch break, he left for work and I got ready for work. At lunch, the test was again positive and I immediately called my OB/GYN to set up a pre-natal appointment. I was excited at this point. Though, I was still trying not to let myself. My husband was definitely excited. We very soon wanted to tell people but I was hesitent. We just decided to tell my sister and our parents. I didn't even want to tell our parents yet, but since were were planning on flying down to my in-law's that weekend, we figured that we'd be no good at keeping that big secret for three days. So, to make things even, we told both sets of parents. On Wednesday (the day after the tests), I found some very slight spotting when I was at work. I almost immediately started freaking out and ended up leaving work a hour and a half early. I went home to catch my husband in the middle of "breaking the news to his parents"on the phone. I didn't want to alarm him so I kind of down-played my paranoia. I immediately went to the computer and googled "spotting in early pregnancy". After a scanning a couple of articles, I felt better and knew that I had just had a panic episode of some sort. The next day I went to work and all was fine.

Then, my paranoia turned real. On Friday morning, I woke up early. I had my one cup of coffee (not a full cup) and watched the Today Show. I saw my husband off to work and as I was about to hop into the shower, I started to feel really sick. I don't know if I was experiencing a sort of morning sickness (I hadn't get up until that point) or if it was my anxiety. It was a terrible sick-to-my-stomach feeling. So I called into work to take a sick day. I felt that if I just stayed home and rested, I would feel better and be able to make that flight. That was around 8:30 a.m. Around 11:00 a.m. I started to feel worse. But again, I just wondered if it was anxiety. I ended up falling asleep for a short nap. After that, when I went to the bathroom, I discovered some red blood on the toilet paper. At that point, I started to really freak panic. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Fortunately, my husband was home to be there with me. After much deliberation we decided to cancel our flight to the in-laws and then also decided to call the my doctor's office. Of course, they were then on their lunch break. I eventually was called in to get a blood test and then I just had to wait.
When I got to the office building of my doctor's, I went to use the bathroom before going into the waiting room. At that moment everything got worse. I practically gushing blood when I was urinating. I couldn't believe my eyes. Things were now looking even worse than I was imaging. When I left the bathroom, my husband was waiting for me and I just couldn't at that point manage to tell him what had just happened. Walking into the doctor's office, I was just supposed to be picking up paperwork for the lab. I asked to speak to the call nurse. I had to tell her what had just happened. At that moment, I realized that I was definitely miscarrying again.

That's the gist of it, I guess. There are so many thoughts and feelings that I am having at the same time. I feel like I want to describe more things now in this post. I guess I'll get to it at some point. In the days immediately following my second miscarriage I happened to come across a blog by a woman who's had infertility problems. From that point I discovered that there are dozens of woman out there going though similar situations that can manage to write about it and share it like this. At first I just wanted to read other's blogs, but then I felt like maybe I'd like to share my life too.

So, this is the beginning...