mu's world

nothingness

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Four more days

Christmas shopping (almost...just one gift, but I don't really count it because it's just a $10 stocking stuffer from Dunkin Donuts) complete!
Yeah...it feels good.
What's even better is that I was only shopping around for about 3 hours. It's a record.
So now...I kind of feel like I can relax.
Kind of. My apartment feels like it exploded a little. But I always feel that way when I'm a little stressed. I'm not sure exactly why I feel stressed, but I do a little. It's kind of sneaking up on me. Some of it has to do with Star. He really doesn't enjoy this time of year. He gets stressed because of his family...so then I get stressed because I worry about him not feeling right. It's a vicious circle, you could say. We won't be seeing his family at all this holiday. I think that in the last three years, we've managed to get down there sometime around now...but we just couldn't swing it this year. I think he feels some guilt about that, even though he doesn't much want to go down anyway.
I also feel a little strange because I can't help but think every once in a while that I could be pregnant right now. We would be expecting. The holidays would be so different this year if everything had worked out. I think that we would have finally gotten our folks to come to us. We'd be getting all kinds of crazy baby gifts. Everything would be so exciting (and still scary too, I bet). Though our family, some friends, and co-workers (that knew) were really great after our last miscarriage, I kind of feel like other people have forgotten. Not that I want other people to remind me...no way...but I guess like I feel that some (my mom, etc) don't realize that I'm still very sad about this. And in a way, the holidays are kind of bringing it up a little. I've never lost (death) anyone really close to me before, but I kind of have an inkling of what that might feel with our lost baby. I've heard that often people who have lost loved ones have an especially hard time around the holidays. Though I only knew about our baby for three days before I lost it, I kind of feel like I understand what some may feel around the holidays.
Though I think these things...I kind of feel like I'm feeling them outside of my body. I feel a little disconnected. It's strange...I'm having a hard time explaining.

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