mu's world


Monday, December 06, 2004

Back up

Oh...I should back up. I should say a little more about the rest of the weekend. For instance, maybe I should say a little something about my mini-breakdown on Friday night. It was the first time I've cried for myself in the last month (couple days before my birthday).
So...on Friday and Star had a little date. We went to see the movie "Kinsey" (very good by the way...slow in some parts and really sad in others) and after that we went for dinner. When we got home it was around eleven. So, we sat on the couch and watched some television. Somehow we ended up watching that program "Family Bonds" again. Silly show. It is kind of funny. There are some humorous parts to it. Unfortunately, however, the episode that we happened to tune in to was the one will the daughter gives birth. It was interesting. I was interested in the process of the birth and all that. I wasn't even (really) thinking about myself. But then, she finally gave birth and everyone (on the show) was crying. And all of the sudden...I burst out in tears. I was bawling. The first couple of tears I was able to play off. I think I was crying out of one eye at first. But then all of the sudden it all came out and I couldn't hide it anymore. And what was worse was that I felt paralyzed. I couldn't get off of the couch. I couldn't even go hide and cry because I felt depleted of any energy.
I think I might have scared the crap out of my husband for a little bit.
I did manage to get up and go to the bathroom, blow my nose, wipe my tears. I felt horrible. I felt like shit. I hated that a stupid reality television show made me bawl like that.
When I went back into the livingroom, Star just held me. He didn't say anything. He just held me. That was all I needed.
Some days there isn't anything to say.
Like the day before the bawling incident, Star told me about a close friend at work who just told him that he and his wife are expecting. Ugh. That kind of seemed like it came out of nowhere. Obviously we are happy for the co-worker and his wife...but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's kind of awkward. I should be pregnant right now. This should be something that Star is sharing with his co-worker. They are very close and what is hard is that Star never told this guy about our miscarriages this Summer (Star is a teacher...our first miscarriage happened about a week before school ended this last June...the second happened about two weeks before school happened). It's something that he has thought about telling him because they are close...but it's just never come up. And how do you bring it up? Especially when someone just tells you that they are expecting.
While my whole staff at work knows about our situation, Star never shared any of this with his co-workers. I said earlier...this is something he's thought of sharing with this one particular guy. I suggested to Star that he tell this guy when it is more comfortable so that he (Star) doesn't have to feel awkward or like he's stretching to act enthusiastic when the whole time thinking about what we've missed out on. He hasn't done it yet...but he may. We'll be seeing them at the work Christmas party this coming Friday. It's going to be difficult.

Meanwhile...I'm a day late.
Yeah...I know...I shouldn't be concerned. But I am a little. I'm concerned that I got so incredibly sick a week and a half ago and I'm still not quite sure why. I'm concerned because I haven't felt pre-menstrual. I'm concerned because even though I probably got a fucking UTI because of the spermicide condoms we've been using...with our luck we'd probably still get pregnant.
And the hard part is that I want to pregnant. I want to be pregnant so badly! But I know that after only having two cycles since my last miscarriage...getting pregnant right now would probably not be a good idea. Especially since I have a bad feeling that it would not end in the right way.
Oh this sucks.
I wish it were about six months from now. Or maybe four. Yeah...March would be good. Maybe we would be closer to getting our own place and closer to planning a healthy family.
I need to relax.


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