mu's world

nothingness

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Baby and flying dreams

Even though I used to think of myself as a loner, I realize these days that I don't really do well sometimes by myself. Last night, Star was at band rehearsal when I got home from work. So...I had 5-9 to myself at the apartment. Usually I don't really mind some time to myself. But for some reason last night, the lonesome time allowed me to start freaking out about stuff...mostly money. I thought I'd take some time and write out a couple of checks (maybe not such a great idea a few days before Christmas) that are due this week. As I was writing out a hefty check for the dentist's office, I thought that it was possible that I could have a panic attack. Suddenly all of these thoughts just rushed to my brain. The rent is due (overdue). Some of the utilities are due next week. Then the week after that our big credit card payment is due. How on earth will we ever afford a condo? How could we ever have a child on our budget? And then that just gets me real down.
Before we had the miscarriages, our only plan really was to have children when we could afford them. And it wasn't that we were planning to be super rich at that time, we just wanted to be comfortable. Since the second miscarriage, I suddenly feel this urge to have children as soon as we can. I feel like time is running out or something. Like this morning, I realized that I was ovulating and was half thinking...oh...what if we were to try this time? But it be foolish (almost stupid) to try, to even think about having kids. First of all, I need to make sure my body is healthy, and secondly...we have no money. We couldn't possibly afford to have a baby.
Last night I had a dream that me and Star adopted a day-old newborn from Nairobi, Africa (not sure if I spelled that correctly). It was a very strange dream because I remember seeing the plane land. We seemed to be right under the plane when it landed. As soon as the plane stopped, I had the baby in my arms. It was a little boy. We took the baby home and as soon as we did...it seemed to turn into a cat because it was using the cat box. Weird dream, huh?
As weird as that dream was though, waking up this morning I could still feel what it was like to hold the baby in my arms. I don't think I've ever really held a newborn baby in my arms, in real life. But in dreams, I do often and it's such a feeling, a feeling that I still feel in the morning after I wake up. I can't help but wonder if I will ever get to experience it in real life. It's kind of like dreams I had as a child and teenager about flying. While dreaming, it feels so real. But then you wake up.

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