mu's world


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Holiday prepping's time.
It does start earlier and earlier every year, right? It's not just my imagination. Of course, going up to Montreal in the first week of November kind of screwed up my sense of "holiday-time" too. They start early up there. Everything was decked out in Christmas stuff.
I do like the holidays and I'm going to try to enjoy them this year. It's hard though. It's hard trying to split up the time between our two families. My parents are in CT and Star's are down in NJ. My parents don't care to travel anywhere and Star's parent's are kind of bound to their home because of sick aunt and an elderly grandmother. And that's another reason why we go down there, to see them. They can't really travel. Everything just kind of seems hectic. Since we've been married we have managed to flip the holidays. One year we go to CT for Thanksgiving and NJ for Christmas...the next year we flip it.
Every year me and my husband hope and wish that we could have a holiday with both sets of parents. I don't know if that will ever happen. The in-law's have responsibilities down in NJ and my parents are insecure and anti-social. I used to always say that when we have kids we are going to make them all come up to us. I can't help but wonder how different the holidays would be right now if I were still pregnant. I have a feeling that they all would be coming to us.
Thinking about what things would be like if I were still pregnant is too strange. I kind of imagine myself as some sort of alter-ego. I'd be more responsible, more organized, more grown-up. Christmas sure would be different this year. It'd be a hell of a lot more exciting.
While I'm looking forward to going down to NJ this weekend...I'm also a bit nervous about it. We haven't seen the in-law's since July. The miscarriage happened in late August. I know that whenever Star talks to them on the phone they want to know about my health and if I've been to the doctor's, etc. I know it's out of concern that they ask these questions...but I guess I'm just still not up for lots of conversation and questions. When we saw them in July, I had a conversation with my mother-in-law about my first miscarriage and it was a good conversation. But this time around...I still feel so much more sensitive.
I hope I can keep it together. I haven't cried in a couple of weeks...I hope I don't burst this weekend.
Last week's episode with "Colleen and Camille" left me very distraught for a couple of days. It brought a lot of feelings up and out again. Today I'll see Colleen. I'm hoping to God that I'm not stuck to any post too long with her. I don't want to listen about her hard life in her big house with weekend trips to NYC. I don't want her to tell me things anymore. In fact...I never really wanted her to tell me things at all. For some reason people just do.
I suppose I should go get ready for work.


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