mu's world


Sunday, November 21, 2004

Gossip is evil

It's a rainy Sunday morning. Our apartment is a mess, and I kind of feel like not doing anything about it. But there is a nagging part of me that does want to do something about it. I always feel that once the week starts, I'll not do any kind of picking up or cleaning. Especially since we are going away towards the end of the week. We are going down to the in-law's for Thanksgiving. We are leaving on Wednesday night and coming back on Sunday. I don't think we've been down there since Christmas. I can't believe that much time has gone by since we've last been there. We were supposed to go down back in August for a family reunion. But, that was the weekend of my second miscarriage. Boy, I'm glad we didn't go down there then.
So...obviously, I have not been writing much. Not much has been going on. Up until the other day, I hadn't been pissed about too much. So...I suppose that may be why I haven't been writing. I find that I'm here more when I have something to say...and that's usually when I'm pissed off about something.
Something did happen the other day. I'm still bothered, but I've cooled off for now. The anger may surge again. I found out on Thursday that one of my co-workers had lunch with a former co-worker on Wednesday. I found out that on this lunch, words were spoken about me and my "condition". At first, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then immediately after that I said, "Oh...that's okay." Then a few hours after that...I realized that was extremely pissed for various reasons.
Let me set up the scene a little. Let me describe (if I can) the two women doing the talking. Colleen (I'm using fake names) is a forty-something divorcee with two teenaged daughters. She was divorced a few years ago (I'm not sure exactly) and seems to be having a pretty hard time with it still...though I think she tries to play of that she doesn't. She lives in a big old beautiful house in a very nice part of town. I'm guessing this is something she got in the divorce. When she was married, she was a stay at home mother. I don't know this for sure...but I think this may be the first job she's had in a while. It doesn't appear that she needs to work at the museum. I think she just does for something to do. She only works 2-3 days a week, and while she's there she seems bored or bothered. She'd definitely rather be somewhere else. Though she divorced a wealthy man, I think she also came from some money too. I realize this from time to time when we talk. I don't feel any sort of connection to her. We actually talk quite frequently and I've even given her some details about my miscarriages (as far as doctor appointments, etc). I've thought she was someone good to talk to about medical things. For the most part, I really like Colleen. But I am often realize that we come from two totally different worlds. She once called me a "reverse snob" because I was cranky one day about this obnoxious woman flaunting her wealth (it happens a lot at the's sickening) trying to get into a sold out exhibit. I wouldn't give it to the woman. It was sold out long before she got there and I did not find it fair to give in to her just because she apparently has money (and I say this because she really was trying to use her money has a factor for her to get into the exhibit). Anyway...after this woman left, she complained to the director of the museum and it got back to our staff. Apparently, the director agreed to give this woman a personalized tour of the exhibit the next time she was in town. I'm sorry, but this makes me sick. I'm quite sure that the director wouldn't do that for someone who didn't flaunt their wealth. Anyway...Colleen called me a reverse snob because I thought that that was wrong. She said she wasn't serious...but it pissed me off nonetheless and it's something I haven't forgetten.

The other woman (actually I think of her as a girl because she's about five years younger than me), we'll call Camille, is someone who hasn't worked at the museum for quite a while...maybe about 10 months or so. When she worked at the museum, I never actually worked with her. I was in a different department. But we hung out a few times with another girl (who is a good friend) and Camille and I know a lot of mutual people. She went and graduated from the same college that me and my husband went to. We were mostly acquaintances. After she left the museum, we actually ran into each other more because she started hanging out with a pretty good friend of ours. So, we see Camille more now. Camille is nice girl...but I wouldn't quite trust her with too much. She has some major insecurity problems. She's very tall, she has a model's body and come to find out, she's actually done some modeling lately. She's really into fashion. She's someone to hang out with at a party, but that's kind of it. She's a bit surfacy. Mostly, I like Camille...but I wouldn't tell her too much about my life.
But...I don't need to because apparently Colleen did.
On Thursday, I was at work chatting with Colleen. She said that she'd seen Camille the day before when they had lunch together. First of all...I must just say that I find it strange that Camille and Colleen would hang out together anyway. I don't know what in the world they would have to talk about (I guess I was one of the subjects). I think they may talk about fashion. I think Colleen's sister works down in NYC as a designer for one of the bigger places, Kate Spade or something. Anyway...they are having lunch and I guess my name came up. Camille told Colleen that she'd seen me last Friday night (we did see each other briefly at a very loud bar. We kind of talked a little, but it was strange cause I didn't have much to say to her plus I couldn't really hear). Camille told Colleen that that I seemed "off" (Camille doesn't really know me, I should stress she wouldn't really know if I seemed off). Colleen decided to take it upon herself and fill Camille on my miscarriages. She said that Camille was very sad and upset for me and my husband. After she told me this, she quickly said that she hoped I didn't mind that she told Camille.
While she told me this...I think I was kind of in shock. I couldn't believe that Colleen was sharing this with Camille. But then I thought that if Camille was still working at the museum then she would have known anyway.
A few hours after I had the conversation with Colleen, I started to get angry. It dawned on me, first, that she had absolutely no business talking about me to Camille. I realized that I came up because she probably had nothing to talk about with her so my situation was good gossip for them. Secondly, it pissed me off because I realized/remembered that Camille knows a lot of mutual people that me and my husband know. People that we either have not told about the miscarriages for reasons or people that have no business knowing about them. I know people talk. I know it happens because I've definitely been guilty of gossip myself. The only people that know about our second miscarriage are people at work (because I was out for a week and a half) and our families. Not even our closest friends know. And with our first miscarriage, only our very closest friends knew (besides people at work...again because I was out for so long) about it.
Friday morning, I felt sick about it. When I went to work, I was so upset. Fortunately, Colleen wasn't there. I don't know if I would have said something or not. I'm still thinking that maybe I should say something to her. But what do I say? What good would it do? She can't take it back. I don't want to contact Camille. I would hope she wouldn't talk...but I know that's asking for the impossible. It's something I don't need the world to know. I don't need old friends to know that I might not be able to have kids. It's nobody's goddamn business.
And...I think what pisses me off the most is that the gossip came out of two people that are so fucking depressing - a wealthy divorcee who has nothing better to do than hang out with a girl that starves herself and can't hold a job. I realize that's harsh...but it's what I feel. Couldn't they have just kept there discussion to handbags and jewelry? Did they really have to talk about me and my husband's private problems? I just have to remember that they are more miserable than I am/can be. I am happily married to a beautiful man...yeah...we are going through some rough times...but we've got each other. We've got more than most people. Maybe that's the story for some. We are happily married, but we've had to suffer through something horrible.
Anyway...that's the latest in the saga of Mu. I'll try to start writing some more again.


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