mu's world

nothingness

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Thirteen weeks

Yesterday was a rough day. I'm not exactly sure what set me off. It might have been when I read a fellow blogger's post about her "angel day". I cried a little reading some poems. Those were the first tears shed for the day. Then later in the day, I was watching that show on TLC. That made me sad and jealous (and a little angry). For the most part of the day, I was okay. Me and Star went to a "film" festival that was put on by the local Peace and Justice group around here. We just saw one "film". (I'm using the word "film" loosely here.) When ever we go to these things sponsored by the Peace and Justice group, we are the youngest people in there, easily, by 40 years. It's kind of sad that there don't seem to be many (any) people our age going to these things. Anyway...I was okay during all that.
After the "film", we decided that we were going to get some dinner. I was starving, I hadn't eaten anything all day. Then, after dinner we were going to pick up some much needed items from Target. On the way to getting dinner, Star found out that he was going to have to work for our neighbor at 6:00. It was 4:00 when we got this message. There was no way to get dinner and do Target in two hours. I just about started to flip out. I was very annoyed and confused. My patience was kind of no where to be found.
So, we continued to the restaurant to get our food to go. Meanwhile, besides being annoyed, I was also starving...so that was effecting my mood too. We finally got home to eat. Star had to soon rush off. I had a friend call and want us to come over for dinner. I just ignored her call and let the machine pick up. I was in a bad, sour mood.
After Star left, I was watching a movie and TV. This time I found some show on the Discovery Channel about special deliveries. This is almost when I completely lost it. I watched the show and cried and cried. Seeing all of those little newborn babies made me rerealize, for the thousandth time, what me and Star are missing out on. Yes, sometimes it gives a little comfort to utter the words that it can/will still happen. But knowing that we had it and then lost it...there's really no comfort there.
If I were still pregnant, I would be about thirteen weeks along. Thirteen weeks! I would be out of my first trimester. I would be finished with one of the scarier parts of pregnancy. Why could my body not wait this long? It didn't feel like a long time. The last two months have gone by so quickly.
So, I watched that show for a little while and then stopped. I started to watch some stupid movie that just about bore me to tears...literally. I went into my bedroom to try to find a cat to cuddle. I laid down with her for a little while, she ran away. I was probably freaking her out. Soon after that, Star came home from work. I came out of the bedroom and he told me of some people that he ran into (that I work with) and then asked me if I wanted to go to a movie or something. My answer, "I don't know. I'm bored to death. I just want to go to sleep!" Then I started bawling and continued to do so for about half an hour. I didn't calm down really until I laid in Star's arms.
We talked about having really sad days. He told me about how he was really sad on Thursday night, the night that he was doing the parent/teacher conferences at school. He'd seen two little girls playing that first reminded him of what me and my sister must of been like when we were that age, but then made him sad. I think I've said this before, but I think sometimes it's even harder for Star in a way. These changes didn't happen in his body. Plus, he isn't a crier...at all. I've seen him cry twice in the whole time we've been together. It's not that he's a tough guy, he isn't. He's a very sensitive man. He seems to take out his sadness or anger in doing projects and writing his music. He's able to disguise it a little, put it to good.
Anyway, getting to lay in his arms and cry did help some. It helps for now until my next burst. I've had a burst about once a week, but I'm usually able to keep it under wraps. Last night, there was no holding it in.
The good thing about my cry is that I finally slept all the way through the night and woke up at a decent hour.

2 Comments:

  • At October 18, 2004 at 2:00 PM, Blogger Crista said…

    I've had a lot of cries like that. It's hard, and it hurts, but it helps to get it out. Don't try to hold it in -- it won't do anyone any good. Star understands, I'm sure, even if it's hard for him to see you cry. I'm sorry you had a rough day, and I'm sending you ((((hugs)))).

     
  • At October 18, 2004 at 10:37 PM, Blogger Mias2Angels said…

    Oh TLC and the tears they can produce!! I am right with you sweetie, holding your hand. It all sucks! I cried alot this weekend too...

     

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