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Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Pimples and blood

At the current moment I have the most outrageous breakout on my chin and chest. When I say "outrageous", I don't mean it in a good way. It's disgusting and makes me want to avoid the mirror when I go into the bathroom. Also...(sorry for the gory details) I'm bleeding, and I don't really think it's my period. Honestly...I have no idea what my period is anymore. I haven't had one since July and the one before that was May. Clearly, my hormones are out of whack. All of this (pimples and blood) just reminds me that I couldn't carry a pregnancy about seven weeks ago.
So...I'm kind of having a sad day.
Remember last week when I was feeling almost patient and kind of okay about things? The feeling is gone today. I'm not sure exactly when it all started. It might of started with the pimples and blood. But, also this morning...I saw this family with the most adorable three-year old and a tiny (guessing) newborn. The baby was in one of those little thingies that people wear around their chest that cradles the baby right against them (I always said that I'd want one of those when we have a baby). As the mother was walking away, I caught a glimpse of the little sleepy face...and it just made me sad. It makes me wonder if I (we) will ever get to experience that.
These feelings sometimes creep up on me at strange times. For instance, on Sunday night, Star was away for a couple of hours and I was watching "Sex in the City". It was the episode where Miranda realizes she's in love with Steve still and goes over to Carrie's apartment to talk to her. So...this is a little strange...but I got almost teary-eyed when Miranda walked into the apartment and handed her kid over to Carrie to hold. Watching Sarah Jessica Parker (not the most motherly person...I know she has a kid...but she doesn't really strike me as much motherly... anyway) hold and bounce the baby, made me a little sad because I was wondering if I will ever get the opportunity to hold a baby like that. I have never held a baby like that, never. I never much babysat when I was in high school (I didn't like other people's kids) and never babysat children that young. Later on the same night, me and Star were watching some silly show on HBO called "Family Bonds". They showed a character on that show after she just saw that she had a positive pregnancy test...and I cried a little. I definitely shedded a few tears watching some stupid reality show on HBO. And I didn't cry because I was happy or whatever...it was because I was remembering and realizing that the next time I have a positive pregnancy test...I will not be able to be that happy. I will be scared shitless. I will feel like I can't be excited for a while. I won't be innocent about the whole procedure. I'll be waiting to see blood and feel cramps. Every little symptom or non-symptom will throw me into a panic.
Some days are harder than others...I guess.
I just can't imagine that me and my husband, who are so, so, so in love with each other, might not be able to have a baby. We might not be able to have a product (not to sound so technical) of our love for each other. What hurts me the most is that Star will be the best father. The most perfect father. I never even knew how much I wanted children until I saw him with children. It's not fair to him that these miscarriages have happened. I can't imagine Star without children. He's father-like already.

I'm having a good cry now. I haven't had one in a while (a week or so). Thanks for listening.

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