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Friday, September 10, 2004

Waiting

Yesterday I received some news that I'm not too sure on how to take. On the last blood test I had (Tuesday), my quant number was something around 22.9. It only went down a couple of tenths since last week. So, last night I had to go back to the frickin' blood lab once again. And now...I'm waiting.
I don't know what I'm waiting for. I don't want to wait for anything. I want this to be over, behind us. And of course, this all has miserable timing. Tonight we are leaving on weekend to Vermont to be witness to our best friend's wedding. I discovered two weeks ago that a wedding is a difficult thing to go to when you've just gone through your second miscarriage in three months. I was sure two days ago that I'd be fine...but now with these lab results everything is fresh again.
And then...there is this silly hope that I find myself thinking about in the corner of my brain. I know that it is most likely impossible...but I keep wanting and hoping that I could still be pregnant. I haven't wanted to admit that to myself. But like a fool, I've been hoping for a miracle. I don't deserve one though. I've been cursing God out too much lately.

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