mu's world


Friday, September 24, 2004

Wait and see

Thank you Christine and Crista for the encouraging words and good vibes.
Yesterday was a rough day, starting out. I had a extremely rough night before. I was having a "why me/poor me" fit. Why can't this be over? Why did I have two miscarriages? Will we ever have a baby? Why does everything have to be so hard? And then this thinking eventually gets to What am I going to do with my life? Why does it seem like everything I want is so hard to get (i.e. finishing school, etc)? Why me? Then after throwing this pity party for myself, I feel stupid and immature. I tell myself to buck up. And hopefully I will until the next issue occurs.
Yesterday afternoon I was seriously considering calling my doctor's office and seeing about getting some more blood drawn. I wanted to know if the quant numbers were going up. After thinking about it for a while, I decided that I'm just going to wait and see until next Friday. I don't think I need/want to know right now if my numbers go up and then down. I'd like to give myself a break from the hospital and blood lab. I have to go next Friday anyway. Probably not too much will change. And if anything does, there is nothing I can do anyway.
I'm also attempting to talk myself into believing that there had to be some sort of mix-up or mistake in the reading. (Which doesn't make me feel too much better knowing that a lab could do something like that to my blood...but mistakes do happen.) I'm going to try to relax...for once.
This weekend is going to be trying. The two guys I talked about earlier (R and B) will be staying with us tonight (and tonight only). I can handle a night. They will probably get here late anyway. Tomorrow is going to be a little stressful because we kind of have two major conflicting plans. I'm going to go along with whatever Star decides to do. I feel like I've spent too much time alone in the last week and I just want to be near him.
Originally our plan was to go to a one-year old baby's birthday party down in Boston. But then R and B came around with tickets to see Ritchie Havens (one of Star's heroes...up there with Bob Dylan) up in New Hampshire or Vermont (somewhere 3 hours away). It's a tough choice. Go to a baby's birthday party or go to a concert far away from home with R and B. Ugh. Half of me wants to go to neither. Half of me wants to go to both. And Star is pretty torn too. He keeps saying that he wants to go away this weekend, escape the weekend. That would be my first choice. The two of us need to get away.
I don't think we've decided yet. I'm letting him make the decision. The baby's birthday party is kind of a complicated thing. This baby is the daughter of Star's mentor, his high school English teacher. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Star is also a high school English teacher. This man really influenced Star's life. Sadly, this man died in a terrible car accident about 18 months ago out in Utah. At the time, he and his wife lived in Montana and he was on a trip making his way towards home. Shortly after the accident, his wife discovered that she was pregnant. It's an unbelievable situation. The wife ended up moving back to the Boston area before she gave birth and she's been here since. We haven't yet seen the baby, though we would really like to. But, though Star hasn't admitted to this, it could possibly be an awkward situation considering the last three months we've endured, not to mention the sadness behind this baby's life.
After the first miscarriage we were invited to a baby's birthday party for one of Star's first friends from college. Star hadn't seen this friend in quite a while. Up until the day before, we were going to go until I kind of freaked out because I just wasn't up for be at baby's birthday party. What's more, is that I'd never met his friend before. I can be very anxious about meeting new people...and with the combination of a baby's was just too much for me to handle. But if we went tomorrow...I feel like it would be different. I wouldn't let my selfish thoughts get in the way (or so I hope) and I'd want to be strong for Star. Because I think this party would be harder for him.
Anyway...I don't know what's going to happen this weekend. I'm attempting to go with the flow and try not to get my feathers all ruffled. (Sorry about the dumb cliches.)
Try is the key word here.


  • At September 24, 2004 at 1:32 PM, Blogger Christine said…

    Moon, I admire you! You have much more patience than I, my friend!! Kudos to you!!

    I hope that your weekend turns out better than you expect. Those baby get-togethers are always hard. I was supposed to go to a friend's to meet their new baby shortly after my first miscarriage. I never made it. And I feel so bad, I still have the little gift. That was a year ago! I guess I'll have to find a toddler gift when we go see them next, huh??



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