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Sunday, September 19, 2004

Trip to CT

It's 6:30 on a Sunday morning and I am up (and have been for 45 minutes) making coffee and settling into the computer. I should be in bed, next to hubby, enjoying the last morning to sleep in for another five days. And strangely, I am up earlier than I usually would be if I did have to be up for work. I'm blaming my darned cats. One of them was on me all night long. And the other kept knocking things over. For some reason I always seem to forget, until I see their empty bowls, that these heavy-pawed hints mean that they want food. Ugh. Oh well, I'm up now. I can take a nap later in the day.
So, we managed to get down to see the folks yesterday. We braved the heavy rains to drive the the two hours West to see my parents, grandparents, uncles, aunt, and cousins. I wasn't really up for the journey, originally. But, I have this terrible guilt complex that often kicks in, especially when it comes to family. My grandparents were visiting from Florida and I haven't seen them for two years. And though this is a morbid thought, I do always seem to think that I'll never know when I'll see them again. They are getting up there in age and I've only made it down to Florida once. I had to see them if they were in the Northeast somewhere.
The trip was probably one of the shortest we've ever taken. We left here around 11:00 and didn't get over there (North-central CT) until around 1:30. We first stopped over to my parents house. We went out for a quick lunch, and then went over to my aunt and uncles (where everyone was staying) to visit with my grandparents, my great uncle, and his two daughters (my father's cousins). We were maybe in CT for a whole five hours.
Anyway, it was good to see my grandparents. They are now 80 and 81. My grandfather definitely seems like he's aged since I last saw him, though his strange sense of humor is still there. It makes me sad. I wish I knew my grandparents better. They are very prim and proper. They are from a very, very conservative background and time. And to top it off, they aren't really much of talkers.
After I had my first miscarriage, my grandmother sent me a letter that was probably the most personal I'd ever seen from her. She wrote that she and my grandfather were thinking, praying, and crying for me. And though I'd already knew this (thanks to my mother who is a blabber), she told me about the two miscarriages and stillborn she had before having her three sons. She even admitted (like I said...she doesn't usually get too personal) that after fifty-some-odd years, she still cries for those babies. Her letter meant an awful lot to me as it was the first that someone who'd been through a miscarriage had reached out to me. And that it was my prim and proper grandmother that did the reaching out, it just meant so much more in so many ways.
We didn't get to talk too much. We just a couple of good, long, and tight hugs (my grandmother's hugs have probably been my favorites). And after the first hug, we took a step back from each other and looked at each other. I felt like we were saying something to each other that was wordless. There was a new connection.
On the way home from the short trip, my husband commented on my grandmother noting that she seemed like she wanted to take me away to a room and talk. I felt the same way. I wanted to talk to her, but it just didn't seem appropriate at the moment. Immediately after the second miscarriage, I asked my parents not to tell anybody, including my grandparents. As I said earlier, my mother is a blabber and blurter of sorts, but I have a feeling that my grandmother might know. Right now, I guess I don't mind if she knows. I suppose I rather want protect her (and my grandfather) from that. I'm the first grandchild and I do want to so badly provide my grandparents with their first great-grandchild. I feel like that sounds silly. I wish I could redo the last fifteen years and pursue being closer to my grandparents.

A couple of strange things happened with my body yesterday. After we had eaten out with my family, I almost immediately felt sick. Wanting to throw up and poop (sorry) at the same time. It was a really intense feeling for about two minutes. I don't know if it was something actual or just something up with my nerves. Then when we got back to MA, I discovered some brown staining and spotting. At first I was happy thinking that I had started my period (strange to be happy to see your period, I know), but then it occurred to me...could this be the final passing of my miscarriage? From four weeks ago? Anybody have some educated guesses?

2 Comments:

  • At September 19, 2004 at 10:03 AM, Blogger Christine said…

    Your grandmother sounds really wonderful. I'm so glad that she reached out to you when she did.

    Spotting off and on during the cycle after a miscarriage is normal. Acutally, Just about everything after miscarriage is normal, and NOTHING seems normal. Your body has changed. Don't expect to have the same cycles that you once had. I started temping after my first miscarriage so that I could at least track what my body was up to. It's a confusing and frustrating time.

    Thank you for the comment on my blog. I'm glad that reading it has helped you learn that you aren't alone. When I read your post the other day, it all sounded so familiar. Your miscarriages may be a few months later than mine, but your thoughts and feelings mirror mine.

    The book that I mention on my blog, "Miscarriage: Women Sharing From the Heart" is wonderful! I highly recommend it.

    Oh, and BTW, I live in central CT!! Near Glastonbury.

     
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