mu's world


Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Post from a cranky, selfish bitch

I'm the bitch. That's how I feel this morning, or more so...that's how I felt last night.
For some reason or another, I don't do well with unplanned houseguests. Especially those that I don't really want staying with us all that much in the first place.
First of all, our apartment is kind of small. It might not appear to be at first glance. It's a two bedroom with a full living room and kitchen. The bedrooms are at opposite sides of the apartment. We use the the back "bedroom" as an office. We actually call it the "catch-all" because that what it catches all that we can't seem to fit or want in other rooms of our place. One of the main problems of our apt. is that there isn't really any privacy. Not that I need that when I'm here alone with my husband. But, if we ever have houseguests...I'd like a little privacy. There are only two doors in the whole place. One for the bathroom and one for the back catch-all. Our bedroom is at the end of a hallway (maybe 10 feet) which is off of the livingroom. Not having a door on our bedroom can be a bit of a problem at times. Especially when there are visitors.
So...the first problem is the space in our apartment.
The second problem is that for some reason when we have people staying with us, I feel like I always need to be "on". I want the place to be clean. The bathroom should be sparkling with clean towels. The floors freshly vacuumed. The kitty litter all swept up. I like to have a neat place for people. I'd also like to have a stocked fridge and cupboards. I do want to have a comfy place for visitors. I'm a bit of a control freak from time to time. And if I don't have the chance to get these things done (because, honestly, it is more for myself) , I am not comfortable.
The next issue that I have is that I'm not completely myself these days (as you may know if you've been reading my posts). And having guests who don't have a clue as to what's been going on in our lives as of's just too tiring for me. I can only keep up appearances for so long. When someone asks, "Oh, how are you? How have you been doing?", I can't just reply with, "Oh um, me and Star have been through hell and shit for the last three months. I've had another miscarriage and I'm deathly afraid that we won't be able to have children." People don't know how to take to that. A couple of weeks after our first miscarriage when we were trying to be honest and up-front with people, I told an good friend about it after I hadn't seen her for a while. I shouldn't have done it. Though she told me she was sorry and I know she meant it, I think I shocked the shit out of her and I haven't heard from her since. That was about two months ago. People we know can't deal with it. We were the first of our friends to get married. And now we are first of our friends to deal with pregnancies, etc. I understand why they can't understand.
And finally the fourth problem/issue I have is with the houseguest (possibly houseguest(s) ) , while he is a very sweet, very kind boy...I don't completely trust him these days. About a month ago, he (I'll call him "R") came up with another guy (I'll call him "B"). B used to be best friends with Star. They were great buddies before I ever came into the picture. Shortly after me and Star got serious, B also got serious with a girl who lived a little ways away. And then shortly after me and Star were engaged, B proposed to the girl that lived far away. She ended up moving up here. For a while things were good. Me and Star had another engaged couple to hang out with. We both got cats that were related to each other. All was good. But then things between B and the girl that once lived far away, things for them got bad. They eventually broke up, then got back together, then broke up again, and then started to talk again. And who really knows what they really do because B is a liar. He lies a lot. He's also an alcoholic and bi-polar/manic. For a while when B was with the girl, he seemed good. He appeared to be happy. But after they broke up, he took a very bad turn for the worse which also included being an asshole to my husband. Very possibly, being an asshole was probably just a reaction to what he was going through. He was breaking up with his fiancee and Star was newly married. I can understand how that would be hard. But me and Star always opened our home to him (back then I wouldn't be so protective of my home and personal life) and he didn't seem too much to appreciate it.
To sum it up (this post is getting a bit long and probably boring to you if you are still reading...I just need to vent), B's true colors have come through. He's an asshole who's done some really stupid stuff. And though part of me wants to feel sorry for him because I do understand that he has psych problems...there's another part of me that gets livid to have to watch and hear about the things that he gets away with all on the account of people excusing him because he's had a hard life. The truth of the matter is, is that he's a sneaky, lucky bastard who's gotten away with some really bad shit that he could get into some trouble for. And to top it off...he uses my husband. That's really what bothers me the most. Star has been a faithful friend to B. Much more than B deserves. And also my husband excuses B too.
Getting back to last night. R (the other friend) showed up at my workplace yesterday afternoon asking for a favor. He wanted to to take a shower at our apartment. I didn't feel comfortable with him going to our apt. by himself (because my cats would probably attempt to escape and I trust no one except for myself and my husband with them). So, I told him that I could meet him after work and he could take a shower then. Of course I forgot about my blood work that I needed to get done and then just decided that I would do it today, instead. I ended up calling my husband to let him in on what was going on. Star was very insistent that I get my blood work done last night. He called R and told him to come later. So that was what was done.
I got pissed when at about 9:00 last night my husband whispers that R was going to stay with us. Both Star and myself have a huge problem with saying no. I started to get mad at my husband. But then I realized that I was mad at R because we were being put into the position where we couldn't say no. I went to bed early because I was annoyed beyond belief. Star soon came to bed. He could tell I was pissed. He was tired and feeling guilty about the situation. I couldn't control my pissiness and anger. And then I felt like I couldn't even talk to Star about it because R would probably be able to hear it because we don't have a damn door on our bedroom.
I really like R. He's a nice guy. He's kind of like a little brother. He's about five years younger than me. He's sweet. He always brings a bottle of wine when he comes to visit. He's a good guy. But...he's been living with B lately. And R also has some sort of bi-polar issue (I think half of everybody I know these days do have some mental issues...probably myself included) that I never really noticed before until his visit with B about a month ago. After their last visit, me and Star agreed that we saw the "darker side" of R. That's why I don't feel so comfortable with him anymore.
Another thing that bothers me, when these guys visit we seem to drink SO much more. There's also the possibility that B will want or have some pot. I hate having people smoking in my home. As I said to my husband last night, we are not 20 year olds anymore. Star has a career, I have a full-time job. We are grown-ups now, dealing with grown-up issues. I don't have the patience for alcoholic, pot-smoking bi-polar twins in my home.

So...that's why I'm a cranky selfish bitch. Thank you for allowing me to bitch. If you read all of're a trooper. I was just needing to vent.

And by the way...R never stayed last night. Star found a letter from him this morning saying that he had "ants in his pants". Either he felt that I was not too pleased, or he was bored. We watched television all night and went to bed at 10. We aren't too exciting anymore.


  • At September 22, 2004 at 2:16 PM, Blogger Christine said…

    I feel the same way when we have guests--like I always have to be "on." It gets exhausting.

    Sharing the stories of your miscarriages will be hard. I found, though, that it helped ME to have the people around me know what was going on in my life. Because miscarriage changes you, and it changes how you see the world. I told most of my close friends right away, others I told as I was ready. And it did make some uncomfortable. Oh well. I needed it out, so that it wasn't ignored or overlooked. After time passes, things settle down, and some of the firends ask me questions about it, and some don't seem to call anymore. But that's ok. Because I need people in my life that understand and can support me as I am today, not as I used to be. Because I'm different today.

    As far as your guests. Remember, that your house in YOUR home. You make the rules. If you don't want them smoking in the house, you have every right to tell them that. I'd give Star a head's up first, though, so he can back you up.


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