mu's world


Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Only Tuesday. I was really thinking it was Friday when I first woke up this morning. Aw shucks!

I woke up with a slight hangover headache this morning. I don't really understand it. I did have a glass of wine last night, yes. But really, I have had much more to drink in the past and haven't ended up with a headache in the morning.
Hubby had band rehearsal last night. He's very excited because they are playing a show on Friday night. He's been waiting for weeks for this. I'm looking forward to this for him. Though I kind of wish the show was at a different location and at a different time. This coming weekend will be slightly of stressful. Our closest couple friends (the ones that were married two and a half weeks ago) are moving to Montana sometime early next week. I feel like shit because I haven't spoken to either one of them in over a week. I feel like good quality time is flying by. And if I were more with it, I'd offer to help them pack and stuff. (Note to self, give them a call tonight while hubby is at band rehearsal tonight.)
Meanwhile, there is the other stuff on my mind. The lab visit, ultrasound, and doctor's office. I've not really let myself think about in the last four days or so, my attempt at patience. Though, I did do yet another pee test (in order to not let myself feel too guilty about the glass of wine) last night. I figured that if I was at 18 last Tuesday and that if I were really truly pregnant, the pink line would be more visible now. The pink line was no where in sight.
It's a weird thing. I don't want to be pregnant right now, but only because I know that it would not be such a good thing right now. It would/could end in another miscarriage. But, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a little sad to see that the test was "not pregnant". When I talked to the nurse last week, I did get a little bit excited (if I could use that word). But I knew that from that number (18) that that was not a good thing.
Anyway, though I haven't really talked about these things in the last few posts, I have been thinking of them. Next Monday still seems very far away. I feel like I should be studying up or something for the appointment. I'd like to go in there with some good questions. But I don't really know what to ask. My worst fear of the appointment is that I won't really be given the opportunity to ask questions. Though, I do think my doctor is better than that. After my first miscarriage, she was very sweet and concerned for me.

For those few of you out there reading my posts, I do have a question for you. Have any of you thought of or gone through some sort of psychological counseling or therapy?
After my second miscarriage, my husband gently brought it up and suggested it. I've thought of it a lot. I know that if I found the right person, it would be a good thing. But it also scares the shit out of me. I know I definitely would never want to be put on any medicines, so that right there is out of the question. But even just the talking part seems like a little too much for me. Besides the miscarriages, I know that I could possibly benefit from therapy in other ways. I have some major anxiety problems at times. And I think I might have possibly experienced depression before the miscarriages too. I guess I'm torn up about it for a couple of reasons. First, I'm very anxious (there's that word again) about going to a stranger to talk about my problems. I'm a shy person to begin with and also, with the exception of this blog, I don't talk about myself. Secondly, I kind of feel like therapy for me would be selfish or vain. Most days I don't feel like I have a problem at all. But then other days (like a couple of days last week), I can't see anything good. Everything is horrible and I just want to stay in bed all day. And thirdly, I'm not very good at communicating things in talking with people (I think). I would be afraid that I wouldn't say enough to a therapist.
Anyway...that's something I'm thinking of talking to my OB/gyn about it. If she could suggest a therapist. Though, I don't think I should see someone that would just specialize in women who've suffered through miscarriages, etc. Because, honestly, I had some problems before (anxiety, slight depression).


  • At September 28, 2004 at 10:29 AM, Blogger Christine said…

    I definitely thought about it. I also have issues with anxiety, outside of the miscarriages. But I never really got around to it. I guess I just prefer to try to work things out on my own if I can, so I wanted to try that first.

    The book that I mentioned earlier helped me a lot. And I blogged about everything, which also helped. Crista and I also have belonged to message boards for support. There are some on,, and I found a lot of comfort there. What I needed was a way to work through my thoughts and feelings, and I needed to know that these thoughts and feelings were normal. These avenues helped me.

    Greif is an ongoing process. I'm in no way finished on my journey. I still have days where I'm terribly sad or afraid. Sometimes the panic and anxiety are overwhelming. These are normal responses to miscarriage (read the book!!). They suck, but they are normal. I think that I read that 30% of women actually have thoughts of suicide after experiencing a miscarriage. I may have that statistic, but it was a significant amount.

    There are also support groups associated with hospitals, if you'd rather be with real people.

    If you need the help, get it. It's something that we all have to do. There are many places to find it, so if you feel uncomfortable about going to a counselor, there are other options. And remember, you can ALWAYS change your mind!



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