mu's world

nothingness

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Back to life

Tomorrow I go back to life. Back to real life, I guess. I'm nervous. I'm not ready. I'm just really dreading it. I'm not ready for the questions, or the absence of questions. I'm not ready for the little hugs to let me know they were thinking of me. I'm not ready for the half smiles and nod of the heads. I know that people care and are really concerned. And I really appreciate it. I do. I just would really like to hibernate for another month or something.
The last two days have been a little strange. Only strange to me, I suppose. I haven't been tearful. I actually feel kind of numb, like nothing ever happened. I feel as though I got away with taking six days off from work, for nothing. The last two days I went to the beach. I was so nervous that a co-worker would see me getting into the car with my sunglasses and beachwear. I'm worried about how things would look. Do I look upset enough? Do I seem distracted?
The thing is, is that I go back and forth. One moment I feel as though I can handle it all. I feel so strong, unaffected. Then next moment, I don't know how we will ever get through this. I don't feel as though I'll ever be able to forget. This will be something forever burned into my head. I want to cry and sleep all day. Then the next moment, I truly want to punch a hole in the wall. I feel some complete rage.
The last time this happened (two months ago), when I got back to work, everything was surreal. I felt so sick. I wanted to throw up all day. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I'd like for everyone to forget that I wasn't at work last week. I want to not be noticed at all. I feel most comfortable with that.
Today we are going to a wedding. We are going to a wedding for a couple that we really don't know all that well. I never should have sent the RSVP. I like the couple, I really do. But, we don't know anyone else there (except for drunk neighbor). And weddings when all you know is the married couple, are a drag. They are for me anyway because I'm not an outgoing person. Especially not right now. Oh, how long have you been married? Do you have any kids? Oh, when are you going to have children? Maybe people won't ask those kind of questions, but for some reason, that's what I expect.
We'll see how it goes.

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