mu's world

nothingness

Monday, December 12, 2005

Checking in again...it's been a while

Well...how the heck has time gone by so fast? Maybe I've been busy, maybe lazy, maybe...I don't know. I actually kind of forgot that I had a blog. I was going through my "favorites" on my homepage and realized that I hadn't checked in on my old blogs in a while. Then I realized that I hadn't written on my own in quite a while.

So, here I am.

I've got to say that I really don't have much to say. I've been busy with life. Life has been flying. I can't believe that we're in the midst of the holidays. How did this happen so fast? In ways, I'm very happy. I'm so glad to be so far way from a year and a half ago. But other ways, I'm a little sad. A year and a half ago, I thought maybe things would be different by now. Other than being forced out of our old apartment, things aren't too different. I do have a new job. That's a very good thing. It's going pretty well, actually. Sometimes it's stressful, but other times it's almost rewarding.

Funny that I remember this blog today. Last night, me and Star were at the grocery store and for some crazy reason, I was looking at cookies. Right next to the cookies was baby food. At that exact moment I felt very sad. I was very aware that I wasn't having to even think about the possibility of buying baby food.

I never forget. Though...sometimes I don't feel as much. But...I never forget. In the last week it's crossed my mind that me and Star could have possibly been celebrating our first Christmas with our first baby. Not this year...though.

Hopefully next year at this time we'll be expecting and not stressing too much about it.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

I didn't know...

Yes. It's been a very long time since I've "showed" my face around these parts. I realize this is lame, but I just really don't feel like I've got too much to say these days. Especially when it comes to the topic for why I started this blog in the first place.
I didn't know that today was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I had no idea until I started to tool around on various blogs I haven't looked at in a while. I have to admit that I think I'm glad I didn't know until now. It's kind of been a strange night already and if I'd known what today was, it'd probably make it stranger.
I have not forgotten about our lost ones. I will never forget. Some days are harder than others. But I do have to admit that I haven't had a really hard day in a while. I suppose I can blame business and exhaustion for that. I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself lately.
I've had some more friends/friends of friends announce their pregnancies recently. It's hard. I do swallow the bitter down. I wish we could have had our chance without having to plan too much, to know that there will be difficulty ahead of us. It's not fair and it's so very hard to understand why we've got this burden. I so very much hope that our day will come.

To our lost ones we never knew...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hello again.
I know, it's been a while. A long while. The way that time works...I will always be amazed and puzzled a the same time. It'd be very easy to say that not much is going on...but I'd kind of be lying. A lot is going on. I'll start with the good stuff first.
- I GOT THE JOB! I've know about this now for a good month or so...which just re-enforces the fact that I seem to only find my way to my blog when things aren't going that well. I forget about being here when things are good. But anyway...yes...I got it. All has been stressful and exciting and now I am the "Assistant Manager". Yay for me.
- Our best friends just had their baby the other night...actually very early yesterday morning. It's amazing and beautiful, but sad because they are in Montana. We are very sad that we can't be right there to be apart of things and to help. S had a midwife and she sounds as though she was truly traumatized. The first thing she said was that she wasn't so good and that she would definitely suggest drugs. She would have the baby in her home again...but differently. I really hope that as time goes on that she forgets the real shitty parts. So...I think that today I will brave the baby section at my local Target store. I think I may be ready.
Now some not so great stuff...
- I think that today may be the one year anniversary of my second miscarriage. I know that it was the 17th that I realized I was pregnant, but then it was a few short days after that that I actually had the miscarriage. It's strange how time and "anniversaries" work out. The coincidence...
I haven't had time really to think about it. I've been very busy with work and other stuff. But thinking about my friends so far away with a new baby...I'm reminded of what we are missing out on. And I am also curious as to if we will ever have the chance to be there. Everyone tells me that I will...but there's that part of me that still is afraid that I won't. And then after that, there's the jealously that pregnancy will not be easy and hapless for me (for us). It's going to be the scariest thing for a while. I found out last night that another friend from college is pregnant. I'm excited for her, but yes...kind of jealous. I don't keep in touch with her, so I don't know if it was an easy conception, etc. But the first thing I think is that it all seems so easy for every body else. Why can't it be for me? Why can't it be natural for me? These questions I have a hard time with.

Well...this is all for now...if anyone is still reading.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Ignore this...I'm just talking out loud to myself.

Not too much going on.
Why do I feel like I ALWAYS say that?
I suppose because I do.

Actually...some stuff did go on today. I had an interview for a possible promotion at my workplace.
I'm NOT feeling very confident about it. Not feeling very confident about it at all, in fact. I really do want the job. I feel like I need it. I need something else. I need to do something different. I need something that will make me do more.

Ack.
I need to stop thinking about it.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Another awkward anniversary

It's been a year now, I think. I remember that when we went to the ER it was a very late Monday night that turned into a very early Tuesday morning. I think we went in on June 14th, but my hospital bracelet may say June 15th. I still have that around somewhere. For some reason I kept it.
I hadn't been thinking about this coming date until Sunday when I drove by the hospital twice. Maybe it was the way the air smelled or the humidity but suddenly the date struck me and I realized that it's been a year.
This is the fastest year I've ever experienced. A year ago I couldn't wait for the time to pass. That's all I wanted. I thought things would hurt less if the time went by faster. And for the most part, it's actually worked. Things do hurt a little less. Of course a year ago tonight, I had absolutely no idea that I'd be going through the same thing (only worse) two months later.
So...I will have another awkward anniversary coming up in about two months.
I wish I could forget.

Today may be a little tough at work. My boss who I like won't be around and things are feeling a little strange there right now. I'm waiting for word about a job I applied for (in my department). I'm not feeling very positive about it right now. If I don't get it I kind of feel like maybe I should start looking for another job. I really like to work there but I don't feel like I can do it for much longer with the money I make. I need to do/make more. I hope I find some stuff out soon.

Friday, June 10, 2005

I got a sticker on my ass!

Yes. I have a sticker on my ass. This is my new form of birth control. I've only had it on now for about 25 hours (yes, I'm counting). I'm wondering when it will un-stick. I really don't want it unstick...but, I just have wonder when it will. I mean, it looks like a band-aid. A big one. And I know it's only been a day, but I haven't noticed any side effects yet. When I used to be on the pill I would get the headaches on the first day of my pill cycle.
Anyone been on the patch before? Please give me some advice or comments.

Monday, June 06, 2005

This will be short...

Today I see my Doc. I am hoping to leave the office with a prescription for the pill. Or rather "the patch". I feel a little nervous. I don't like going to the Doctor's (though this one I do really like) and talking about my birth control issues. Ugh. Anyway...I feel like this is kind of a big deal for me as I decided to swear of the pill two years ago. But...you know...it's kind of amazing how having to miscarriages change just about everything in your life. Of course it changes your birth control ideas. Anyway...I'm hoping my Doc will be able to clear up some more questions and I hope I can get some questions ready too. For the last two days I kind of forgot I was going to the Doc's...so I feel like I've forgotten some things. We'll see.